no new is....

Well, I've got a bit of time this morning and since I am actually pretty caught up on my paperwork, I thought I'd blog. Alas, I have nothing happy to report. I finally had a chat with the SO regarding the fact that I never get to dress up. Getting her to talk about it was hard enough and then she was all grumpy and that really facilitated a productive discussion. I pointed out that I was down about not being able to dress up. She pretty much said I should book a hotel to go into the city for the nights I'm going to go out and that would address me not being able to dress up at home or at my office. That will fail spectacularly. Why? Well, I don't know if I've ever talked about this issue but I'm actually pretty scared about dressing up. Being supremely sensitive, I'm acutely aware of others and it really makes me self-conscious. Now, I already have a pretty deep self-dislike b/c of being a tranny. Add a bit of public scorn and I'm really hooped. To clarify, I hate being out in the open when I'm in drag b/c I feel like a freak and i feel vulnerable. So, getting dressed up and going to Sincity was hard enough...in fact, the process of getting parked and walking to the club was murder on me. As much as it was liberating, it was terrifying and there were times when I chickened out b/c there would be a function in the city that would bring out the loser element and I wouldn't go out. For instance, the fireworks, football games, hockey games and UFC events. If any of these was going on, I stayed home. Why? b/c the people that attend such functions are the kind that are most likely to make fun of or harass a tranny. As much as I'm aware I could pound them into a pulp, I really don't like any conflict. There is an old saying, "when two tigers fight, one is mortally wounded and the other one is killed." I think that is pretty much true...most conflicts are bad for all parties. Anyway, back to the issue at hand, I am relatively fearful of going out for fear of getting into a conflict AND...I also am insecure about how I look AND...I don't want to push my trannyness on people that really shouldn't be exposed to it. So, let's say I book a hotel...and I go and get done up there...I've got to do the long trip down the elevator and traverse the lobby and then get a cab. These things are not easy for me solo...not at all. The only time I've gone out while dressed at a hotel was in Seattle and I ran down 7 flights of stairs in heels...snuck out the back exit and caught a cab...While that experience was positive (especially when I returned only to realize I had left my hotel key in the room and had to ask the lovely lady at the concierge for a key), I feel very apprehensive about cruising through the lobby of a hotel in drag. I didn't even do it when I was in San Francisco!

The other variable is cost...a decent hotel in the city will run you about $250... so 4 nights in drag and I'm one grand in...That seems ridiculous to me and will also work as a major discentive.

What this all boils down to is, I still have no solution. I'm still quite upset with the SO for just throwing out that option and not considering the reality of it.Anyway, life goes on...there are bigger fish to fry.

soul suffering

Well, things haven't improved...they've worsened. No developments on dressing up and, around halloween, being stuck in the closet hurts the most. Seeing all these events and opportunities pass you by is murderous on one's spirit. Furthermore, the "lose friends" thing has proven quite correct. One girl I just love that is really a kind and caring lady has pretty much vanished from my world. No messaging on fb for weeks. Another lady had a new job and is just too busy, so she is pretty much gone. And to add insult to injury, I've come out to 3 ladies in the last 6 weeks. One of them knew but i actually sent her a message on fb to try to enable more discussion. She replied once. The exact same thing happened with another lady. I have seen both since and they are still lovely and nice but no messaging.

The coup de grace of the coming out fails lately was on Friday when i came out to a lady who is really cool. She immediately let me know that there is no way on earth she could date someone who crossdresses. I have got to say that nothing makes me want to puke my guts out like hearing a someone say, "I'm open-minded but I just don't think I could accept that from my partner/mate." I realize that the statement could be true but it really stinks of hypocrisy to me. I'm open-minded about some things but not everything is more appropriate. Anyway, every time I hear that comment it leaves me feeling like a freak or pervert. Unlovable. Unaccepted. Unwanted. and I have heard it a million times. It just makes me hate that I try to open up to people, it makes me hate that I feel the need to have people in my life. Let's not forget I'm extremely selective about who I tell...they have got to have given me all kinds of signs that they are very cool and trustworthy. So, to hear this from that group is particularly painful. Unfortunately, I don't have any opportunity to hang out with cool kinksters and be in a group of truly open-minded people.

So, I'm sad, really really sad. In a sense I feel like Vanessa is almost dead. It's been over a years since I've been out to Sincity. I've dressed up fully, 4 or 5 times this year. Life is passing me by...So I always like to talk about solutions, but I have none. The SO is aware something is up with me (so mopey) but I'm quite conflicted about whether it is even worth discussing. She hates it, she doesn't want me to do it, she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't want anyone to know....so it seems pretty pointless to invest a ton of effort into going into it with her. So...I guess I am trapped. In a wonderful fulfilling prison of my own creation. I am trying to simply accept my fate and make the best of it but, right now, I'm not being very successful at that b/c of the overwhelming desire to try to figure out some solutions...but I guess I'll eventually move forward and stop being so incredible sad. It's funny b/c being a tranny means that I have so many cues about dressing...I see a nice outfit, I think, "wow, I'd love to wear that." Or there are so many things in my life that remind me of dressing. The housekeeper at the office make me think of how badly I wanted to be one. So me getting over this is going to be a really difficult process...alas...don't honestly have a choice...

be warned...depressing blog ahead

so, well, there you go. I am going to blog b/c I'm so frustrated. I don't expect any solutions or any helpful pointers. I'm pretty bitter about my situation right now and I'm going to do my best to not fall into a giant "poor me" blog b/c I really have very little to be upset about in the great scheme of things...heck, I could live in Syria and have real problems. Regardless....I'm pretty low about my dressing up existence.

Here's the issues. I have an very busy life. I am almost completely in the closet. I have an amazing partner who hates my girl side and doesn't want me to tell anyone for fear it could compromise my career. So, my opportunities to get out are to go into Vancouver on the odd evening. The problem with this option is my first point. I have a very busy life and free weekend evenings can be few are far between. Also, I work early at least 5 days a week and this means my poor body-clock doesn't love getting out at 10 pm at the earliest (although it is less of a problem than most things). So, for the last few years my goal has been to get out when I can. I have mentioned that this pattern has not worked and I have been looking for other ways to get fully dressed. The maid thing is limited by being very busy and the SO not wanting anyone to know. I didn't do it the last time at my place b/c the partner doesn't want me to and I resent serving someone who doesn't want or deserve it. If you won't, at least, attempt to treat me as a maid? forget it. Alas, this is what has prompted my latest sadness. The maid thing had me pretty hopeful that I could at least get a chance to dress up. Now, I had fear that it wouldn't work out for a ton of reasons but when you don't have a lot of options, you grasp at straws...Alas, here's where I see myself right now...the Sat night thing will get me out 2 x a year, maybe 5 at best, the maid thing is dead, the office thing is pretty dead right now b/c the SO could show up when I dress up and that would be really bad.

So here is what I have left wear hose under my work stuff, throw on a dress, heels, bra, falsies in the am and at lunch before my clients arrive. Almost zero opportunities to get painted...and I'm stuck. I'm feeling so trapped. And one of the curious things about dressing up for me is that, if I don't do it, the desire to do it increases.

I don't even have any..."well I could do this or try this" things to throw out there to make myself feel better.

Now, I know the reality of this. I created this world and I have to live in it. I get that and, if you saw me in my day-to-day life, you wouldn't have a clue. Where I am sad is on the inside and I have enough happy daily events to keep me amused but when I'm alone and not distracted, I'm really sad about his.

One other thing that has got me down. I have discovered the limit of my facebook friendships. I have previously stated that I will lose friends as they get married. Most men are not cool with another male being close to their wives even if that male is in a dress. So, that isn't really anything new but I did lose someone for that reason recently and it did hurt me a bit. Mostly b/c she was exactly the kind of friend I love. She loves fashion, shoes, make-up and all that...now she's gone...She told me her hubby didn't like her on facebook and she disabled the page. But what has also happened is that the other girls have settled into a predictable pattern. All but 1 girl basically will send the odd message every 5-10 days and do a short catch up and that is it. I'm on fb every day almost b/c it is the only place I can chat to people that know of Vanessa and are cool with Vanessa. So, I have grown tired of having to work so hard to enable friendships. I'm like the over-eager friend, always replying within less than a day and then logging on and no new messages. It's a sad reality that all these ladies have full lives and don't have time to bother messaging me...and I'm sort of tired of this. I give up on having to always be the one who has to make the friendships happen. This does mean I'm out of luck though, these ladies will fade away. But I'm just fed up with the feeling like most of these ladies are my friend b/c I am after them all the time.

Well, hopefully, next blog will be good news...I'm due. lol

all the news that fit to print

So, gentle reader, I haven't posted in a while and that is really due to the summer shutdown that Vanessa always faces. This is due to a few things but mostly the fact that bright, sunny, long days suck for those of us that like to hide in the shadows and not be noticed. Also, the summer tends to bring out the kind of people that I don't really want to run into. All the narrow-minded losers tend to have things that bring them out...fireworks, events that attract a low-life type of personality...and as such I chicken out.

Now, this doesn't mean that I put away my panties and shut it right down. That is pretty much impossible for me to do and so I still put on nylons/tights as often as I can and dress up at work when I can. And, I'm super happy to announce that I can actually do up a bra behind my back now! Ta da! While this may seem like a big nothing of an achievement, I must remind you that I am not the most petite shoulder flower on the planet and flexibility and I have never been friends. So I'm totally pleased!

Other things have been happening as well. Let's see....hmmmm...well. The maid thing. This is obviously a big thing for me and I have been pretty motivated to attend to making it happen. So, the updates. In the early summer I talked with the SO about this. She said that I could try to do it at our place in the fall. This is good and bad (as usual). The good is...I get to be a maid and getting dressed up is always fantastic. Also, it removes the challenge of having to get painted and drive somewhere. Plus it removes any commute time. The bad is that, my SO, doesn't want me to be the maid, but is allowing it b/c it would be something I could do that is reasonably low risk. Here's my trouble with it. I want to be a maid for someone that appreciates it...that likes it. In an ideal situation, the boss/mistress (not mistress as in having an affair, mistress, as in, female boss of household) would want me to be the maid, be thrilled that she has me as a maid, go to lengths to get me to be her maid. Another aspect of this is that the SO never, ever, ever wants to talk about it. So....when I finally gathered up enough courage to mention it to her in August, I said, "well, it looks like our housekeeper will be starting in Sept." She responded with a short comment and that was it. My birthday was close to that time and, at another time, I mentioned that it would mean so very much to me if she could pick me out a maid outfit for my present....not buy one...just pick it. So, when I bugged her about this later on, she said, "well, I kind of like the look of the housekeeper in "Maid in Manhattan."...she never said this is what I have to get. Anyway, as the day approached, I was really conflicted. I'd be an idiot if I didn't take a chance to dress up and do a bit of cleaning but I resented her failure to even mention it at all. Not one word. If you look way back in my blogs, she once left me instructions when she went away. This time...nothing....so I was pretty grumpy by the time the day was almost there. I did do a few things wrong...I didn't get all shaved the night before which meant I was going to lose an hour in the tub with the razor and I had left some of my important make-up at the office without even knowing....such a blonde. Anyway, the day came, I went out early and came back. The SO had arranged to be away for a decent chunk of the day. I got shaved, opened the make-up kit and nearly crapped in my panties....I thought that I had misplaced stuff but I realized it was at the office. It was pretty sparse and I almost abandoned b/c the last time I got painted without decent make-up, I looked so awful it almost sent me running back to the closet for ever. Anyways, I decided to give it a go and did my foundation and powder...then I thought that I should at least try my brow and eyes...while I was doing that, I thought it looked okay, so I finished. I didn't have any contour, so I looked like I had just fainted but all-in-all, it was tolerable. I threw on my blue work dress, grey hose and black ballet flats and sat down. Funny thing was, I didn't want to clean up b/c I didn't want to do it for the SO. I didn't feel that she deserved such spoiling. So, I checked my facebook and wasted a bit of time. What I really wanted to do was go out shopping or visit one of my fave girls...but, as always, I did the "safe" thing and vacuumed and tidied a bunch. I must say that my inner maid really enjoyed this.

When the SO got back, I just took all my paint and stuff off. She tried to dissuade me from doing it but I didn't have the urge to get into it at that point. Her and I do have to discuss the "terms" of this agreement. Otherwise, I'll go do my maid thing for someone else. This brings up another point that is not great about this arrangement. As I have posted in previous blogs, I really love the idea of being in a situation where Vanessa is real and having a job is one of those things. So, cleaning my own place is one step further away from a job. Being a housekeeper for someone else is WAY more real. But this is a start.

Also on the maid front, I have lost one of my potentials...she's moving...great news for her but I'm sad b/c she was close, had no boyfriend and was cool with it. The only thing with her was that she was not into it...she was just willing to let me.

I did come up with a tantalizing potential idea while I was away. Trying to get hired as a housekeeper at a "gay" hotel. This idea is amazing in theory but the concept of a gay hotel is actually not a reality. Most of the gay positive hotels in Vancouver are chains....Sheraton, etc and so I think that this might not work out. It is a potential and I will look into it a bit.

The office thing is sort of dead right now...I still wear my nylons lots and dresses, bras, heels etc as much as I can but getting fully painted is nowhere on the horizon. My colleague has just completely dropped it and seems so concerned with her world that I don't exist. I can't do anything about that so...I'll make do.

Going out is on the horizon...earlier sunsets makes me happy. This stupid fall is like summer thus far...grrrr. I may make it out this saturday night...we'll see.

When I was on vacation in California a very strange thing happened. I didn't buy any girl stuff! Now, usually, I go nuts in california...LOVE IT! but something has happened in the last while to change things. First of all, I just don't have any shoes that I need....I've got a bunch of basics and there isn't anything that I really covet. So the shoe shopping was lame. The dress/skirt/clothes thing was kind of lame b/c summer fashion and I do not get along and I've become a bit of a Value Village girl. It doesn't make sense for me to go and buy some $100 dress when I can buy fun stuff for 15-25 at Value Village. Also, my style has evolved and I'm more selective about what I buy. This also means I can't just go to Nordstroms and find my look. I've moved more to alternative looks (pinup, burlesque, drag queen, costume) and would need to seek out special stores to find this stuff. Also, the trip was pretty much beach and that does not get me motivated to dress up. I'm cool with this development...my wardrobe is pretty huge right now. I probably need a few more pieces of lingerie, but otherwise, it is just shopping for funky stuff now. and wigs...never have too many wigs...and makeup...always need more makeup.

 Oh, almost forgot...a really, really, really big event for me. A while back I noticed that bettie page clothing (which I LOVE) had photos of girls wearing their clothes. I sent a message and asked about and the wonderful people there said for me to send a photo. Needless to say, I did send a photo. I don't have great photos b/c I don't have a tripod but it was not bad...Then...nothing...so, I was a bit bummed but, heck, I'm not a model so I get it...Anyways, I often search my name and my flickr tags on google/bing etc just to see when I come up...it's kind of a kick for me to see my photo pop up on the first page...it's that illicit thrill that I'm out but not actually. Anyway, one time I saw the photo I sent to the Bettie Page folks...so I clicked on it and, presto,  http://www.bettiepageclothing.com/photo/customer/vanessa-vaughan...take a look. I could have died! I was so happy and thrilled. Needless to say, I'm a customer for life for them (would have been anyway b/c I love their stuff).

I'm sure I'll remember something as soon as I sign off but until next time...kisses!

just because

So, I just feel like doing a blog b/c I don't want to do my other, less fabulous work right now. Plus I'm really sort of wrestling with Vanessa's direction right now. As I mentioned a few blogs back, I really would like to have some sort of job/official occupation for Vanessa to help legitimize her. Something that would enable me to feel that she is real and has a real role would really be meaningful for me. The maid thing is on the horizon. A while back the SO and I chatted about this issue and she said that once summer is done, I could do my maid thing at my house 1x every 2 weeks. I believe I have mentioned my concerns with this but there are a few. First of all, I already clean my house, so it feels less "real job" like to me. Also, I am worried that the SO will either treat me like me and not the maid, which will lessen the reality or that she will cancel at the last minute and leave me unable to do it. That being said, I am very optimistic that she might actually allow it as she does see the safety in having me dressed up at my place and not wandering all over in drag. Also, she does acknowledge the need for an outlet that is workable for my schedule and professional commitments. So, I can't wait to get this going. I'm hoping to build from it with regards to the SO. I want to use this as a platform for her to get to know Vanessa as a separate person. In doing so, I hope to allow her to see that the boi me and Vanessa really are quite distinct. This could hopefully allow her to get to know Vanessa as Vanessa and not as her male partner. If I haven't said I'm an optimist in the past...this should be a pretty obvious example of it. So, what if it fails...she doesn't allow me to be the maid b/c she treats me like me or she schedules something that makes it impossible for me. Well, this will create a need for another outlet, which will mean she will have to allow me to pursue other opportunities to be Vanessa on a regular basis.

Which brings up something that is bugging me...what could I do to be Vanessa on an official/regular basis???? Things I have considered are maid, my own secretary, busgirl at alternative club I love, housekeeper at big building, working in a beauty supply place, helping at burlesque shows, back up girl in drag show and I'm sure others that just aren't coming to me. To work through these...the maid thing is still quite doable and that is great. My own secretary is also doable but dressing up might be a bit tougher b/c of the SO potentially coming in. Still has potential though. Sadly both of these are the least official...unless I get to be a maid for someone other than the SO....that could still be on the table. I contacted the guy who runs club 23 and got no reply on my offer to be a busgirl so that died. I don't know of any other places I could do it...if I did, I'd check it out. The housekeeper thing is WAY to risky for getting caught and outed so it cannot be...sigh. Working at a beauty supply store is tantalizing but it would really have to only be part time and I'm pretty limited on my availability so...it's pretty unlikely...too bad b/c that might be a good opportunity and also, if I stayed far away from home, pretty safe. The burlesque show thing is kind of unlikely but it is the kind of thing I need to pursue and that would mean getting out to the shows and getting to know the girls and seeing if I could be a helper somehow...I'm not sure how it would work out. Most of the girls I have met thus far are super cool and the scene would most likely be quite positive. I suspect I'm going to do more field research in this in the fall. The drag show thing stems from my fb page. Every night I get on fb and see all the fabu queens at clubs, hanging out and looking so gorgeous and I think to myself, "why don't I have a groups of queens as friends and get out with them?" I have tried to get to know the local queens on fb and it has been pretty unsuccessful. Several of the girls won't add me and even when I ask a question of them about how they did a certain look or something, no response. So, if they are a bunch of snobs, then pursuing this one seems a bit fruitless (lol). That being said, I get on fb, see the photos and go, "I've got to do this!"

So, this is where I feel like a bit of a failure. I can't come up with other potential ideas. Ideally, the job would be relatively private or be in a place where open-minded people abound. A stock girl for a place would be great, cleaning up at a salon would be okay but the hours might be a challenge....I'm just sort of stuck with other ideas. I don't expect any suggestions here but if you could post it as a comment I'd be thrilled.

Office assistant and other stuff

So, in all my excitement about my big event 2 weeks ago, I have not mentioned the other developments in my life. I will try to recall them but I often forget a few and then have to blog again to mention those...so let's see here...

Well, the first one and the one that is actually proving to be really a ton of fun is the office I work at. As has been previously mentioned, I have a wonderful colleague who is completely unperturbed by my dressing. Honestly, she couldn't care less. She loves fashion and make-up as well, which makes her lots of fun. Anyway, I'm sure I've mentioned that she has set up times for me to dress up and help but if not...that is what I get to do. It has been wonderful to get all dressed and then be an assistant. It really appeals to the pleaser in me and the more I do it, the more I love it. So, I get to do filing and stuff like that while in dress, heels, hose, bra and, on the odd occasion, makeup! So much fun and totally appeals to my femmy-wanna-be side. Doing it reminds me of when I first got all dressed and did the maid work at my house...it just feels natural/right for me. The super cool thing about my colleague is she LOVES the helps so it is a win-win! Also, she recently has told 2 of her friends that 3 people work at the office with her. The boy me, her and her assistant, Vanessa (the girl me). In fact she said that there is a "girl who comes in to do the filing." That is so incredibly way hot for me. For her to do that without any prompting is just so fantastic. Oh and the reason I'm not her maid is that she currently lives in a basement suite. We were talking about what she would use me for as her maid and she said completely honestly that she would be having me serving champagne and appys for her guests. I told her I didn't believe it but she said that she has really cool friends.

I learned a valuable lesson with the SO being away and me having a tiny bit of time to do some dressing up. I have the one fabulous lady who lives 45 minutes away and she is so great about trying to get me dressed and over to her place for some cleaning. The issue with this situation is that I really do want to be her maid and I'm a big pleaser so, when she asks me if I could come over, I want to say yes or, at least, maybe. When the short amount of time that I had came open, I really did want to try to find a way to her place to do a tidy but it just became unworkable with my job and time limits. When I let her down, it was horrible for me, I hate disappointing people and especially someone as fantastic as her. What I learned from all of this is to make NO commitment unless completely certain I can do it. It pains me to say that I doubt I'll be available but this is much better than the letting down that I did.

I had another learning experience but not all together positive. There is a lady that I used to adore and I mean totally LOVE as a friend. She went through an affair with a married guy and even though the word was already out about it for months, I spoke to another woman about it and this, evidently, confirmed it. So, I betrayed her and it really was totally wrong of me to do that. I learned a valuable lesson from that as the cost was a really special friendship. After several months, I was able to reconnect with her but it is nothing like it once was. Anyway, she knows about Vanessa and I told her about the event. All that she did was make me feel guilty, like I was betraying my SO b/c she didn't know about the event. I assure you, the SO would not want to know anything about the event. So, after that discussion, I realized that I no longer want this woman in my world. I won't bother trying to chat with her on fb or seek her out if she is around.


So, what is on the horizon? Well, I've got a 4 week vacation coming up and won't be able to dress for the entire time...ug! But, I will be able to shop, yippeee!. Once the summer is over, the maid thing is either going to happen for the SO or...I'm going to do it elsewhere. And this is 100% full-on. I plan on continuing with my office assistant stuff and working to make it more official...having a scheduled time a couple of times a month might help. As always, I'll keep wearing nylons and panties under my work stuff and put on dresses when i can. I won't get into Vancouver in the next while b/c there are a bunch of events that bring several hundred thousand not open-minded people into the city. May get out to pride...maybe. I don't suspect I'll be getting together with the ladies again soon as they are all busy. Madonna concert maybe...my one darling friend that I wanted to come with me can't go because of a school commitment.

Life changing events

At The End Of The Night

So this blog is likely to be done in a few parts. Primarily because it is going to be really long and that is because it is about the biggest night of Vanessa's life. Up until now that very important label was attached to the first night I went to sincity at Club 23 and in some ways that may be a close rival to this evening but, in all honesty, I feel like last Wednesday was bigger. So what happened???

First of all the SO was going to be out of town for a family thing. This left me to all my trannyness for a couple of nights; Tues, Wed and Thurs, although I had to be out the door at 4:45 am on Friday so Thurs was a bit of a washout. Anyway, I knew of this well in advance and really began to wonder what I could do to make it special. One problem was that I had to work everyday so that put some limits on me. Plus I had to clean and sort out some house stuff that took time. Anyway, I have mentioned that I have come out as a tranny to a few very (supremely) special ladies over the last 2 years. What would have been the best case scenario for me was to do something wonderful for them. So....it just came to me that having a little soiree with appys and wine at my place would be fun. I asked the 3 girls what they thought and they were all able to come and thought it was a great idea. In the process of talking about it with them, I thought that it might be fun for them to wear false lashes if they haven't and also give them a chance to try on my wigs. I have about 20 now. They all seemed pretty excited about this. Now, this is really big for me, really big. Over the last 2 years I have gone out twice with women I know and I was in drag, but I have never been around a group of friends in drag. I cannot overemphasize just how much I have always dreamed of being able to be Vanessa with people I really like. To me, that was the ultimate goal of my tranny life, to allow myself to be who I REALLY am and hang out.

So then a few other things came up. I invited 2 other women who know about Vanessa and they were in. The other thing was I came out to 2 women who I really like and really wanted to attend. As I suspected, they were super cool and accepting. I have to admit that this was a pretty stressful thing for me b/c I have been betrayed so many times over my life that I almost expect it to happen. Anyway, so I got the appy's arranged, got a dessert, and all the stuff set up and then was ready for the big night. I was so nervous and anxious about the whole thing it dominated my thoughts for a few days before.

Eventually the big day arrived and I picked an outfit that I thought was a bit too dressy for the summery weather we have been having but I'm a girly girl when push comes to shove. So, a funny thing happened that almost ruined my chance to get ready. My cat went out and disappeared...I spent 1/2 an hour trying to find her and almost didn't have enough time to get ready. I had 45 minutes and it usually takes me about an hour. I got ready, got dressed and felt okay...not perfect but pretty good and it was 1 minute after the scheduled start time. Then I waited....5 minutes, 10 minutes and no-one. I was dying. The first guests arrived about 15 minutes late. One of the ladies who was one of the first guests is a woman who just absolutely knows how to say the very thing I am dying to hear. She sautered up and gave me a big hug and all was well. Oddly enough, I was so busy getting painted that I didn't have a chance to worry about the magnitude of the event that was to follow. The other guests arrived and we all got some bubbly and had appys for about 45 minutes. Then they all went to the bathroom and put on the false lashes. After this, we tried on wigs for about 1 hour. Eventually all the ladies sort of settled on a wig. After this we hung out and drank a bit more, chatted and then the ladies departed.

I tidied up and immediately noted that the dessert was sitting in the fridge still.

What I Looked Like Greeting The Guests

So, it is funny but a lot of the things that made the event so special to me were things that didn't happen. First and foremost, I didn't feel like a freak. I didn't ever notice someone looking at me like I was some sort of confusing puzzle. It felt just like a bunch of friends together chatting. Nobody seemed uncomfortable and it seemed like a lovely evening. Also, I didn't actually sit there the entire time thinking "OMG, I'm in a dress with people around eeeek!" Actually, other than my feet getting a bit sore, I didn't totally focus on the fact that I was a dress. That being said, I LOVED being in a dress and heels and painted. LOVED it.

I've got to sign off now b/c I've got work to do but I will try to blog more about this

One final note is just how special these ladies really are to me. I feel truly lucky to have met these amazing ladies and for them to accept me is beyond my wildest dreams.

sigh

Well, gentle reader, I don't know if this is the best time to be blogging but, unfortunately, this time has fallen into my lap and I don't get a lot of time to do this, so I'm going to run with it. I hope it makes me feel better than I do right now, as my mood is right pissed off. As always there is lots of stuff to talk about and much of it is wonderful but, as is always the case, I'm caught in a bind and need the SO to loosen the leash if I'm going to actually make some of this stuff happen.

The good news is, and this if totally amazing, I have 3 good options to be a maid. One girl is wonderful and very motivated to have me over. Unfortunately, geography is working against us. She lives about a 1 hour drive and with the time it takes me to get ready plus the 2 hours return, it is almost impossible for me to sneak away. Another lady is an good friend who is super cool and I probably would have already been her maid but she has been in the midst of a wonderful relationship developing and this has posed obstacles. The primary concern I have had was the potential impact on a potential mate having a tranny maid would pose. I am fairly confident that the majority of men would be uncomfortable or put off by finding out that a potential spouse had deviants like me in their sphere. Anyway, she kind of got outed about our friendship and told him and he was fine with it. She is closer and as a consequence, I could make a go of it if I could sort out one major logistical problem. The 3rd potential is a wonderful lady that I just adore. She has actually been out with me in drag and is fine with the idea of me being her maid.

So, why am I not doing it already? 1 logistical and one theoretic problem. The logistical problem is pretty obvious if you understand the whole maid gig thing. So, I'll explain a little. The maid thing has been a fantasy of mine for years because it involves wearing a dress and hose while you work, that is the tranny side. The maid job is also somewhat submissive but not completely, which sort of suits me. The actual act of cleaning someone I adores home totally appeals to the pleaser in me. This is pretty critical for me and one of the more important aspects of the whole idea. I need to be doing something to make the other person happy and appreciative. I carry an enormous amount of guilt about bringing this topic to the table in my life. Cleaning the house would at least make me have some redeeming use. If someone is willing to allow me to live out one of the greatest fantasies I have ever had, then I'm going to do my absolute maximum to make them glad they did. Another important aspect of the maid gig thing is, I need to feel that it is close to real. Interestingly enough this is the source of a few issues. the first one actually ties into my 3rd potential client/boss. Since she and I totally love each other as friends, she would want me to come over just to visit and be a friend. She is remarkably like my SO in that she has almost zero kinks and so there is nothing tantalizing about me being her maid. It is a bit too fake and too much of a little fantasy game if I'm just coming over in drag and doing a tiny bit of tidying. Also, and this is a really hard one, I would prefer to come as the maid and leave as the maid. Uniform and fully made up is really how I want it to be. That is a big problem and is the big logistical problem I currently face. I could have done some work on June 15th at my nearer ladies as I had a bit of time, but I didn't want to get painted and dressed there. I can't get ready at home b/c the SO would freak and if I came to my office to get dressed, I would either have to get here super early, which would make the SO suspicious or be busted leaving the office and getting to my car. I suspect I am just going to have to get ready at my bosses until I can sort this out.

Problem number 2, I'm very honest and I would rather the SO knows that I'm being a maid for others. But I'm pretty certain that she will not be pleased about this. Now, I am really wrestling with this one b/c she wants nothing to do with this side of me, and is fine with me going out into the city dressed up so that I can have my opportunity to get some dressing up in. Anyway part of me thinks, "fuck you, you hate my dressing so I'll do this for someone who is cool with it!" Also, let's be completely  100% clear here, this is not infidelity. I want the maid thing to be real! I also am well aware of the fact that I have a pretty fantastic life and relationship except for this issue and am not going to throw it away. But I can honestly say that I really don't want to be the SO's maid ever b/c the tranny side of me does not want to please her. Not anymore. Keeping in mind that my tranny side is rarely present when the SO is.

So, what to do? I'm going to feel out the concept of discussing me being a maid for someone else but this will mean that I have to let her know that I have told others about Vanessa. I feel it is time to do this anyway as I'm sick of all this.

Okay, so other stuff, I have been to Value Village a few times in the last few months and had a blast.

I am planning on going to the Madonna concert in Vancouver in drag...We'll see but it works perfectly b/c there is a Sincity that night.

I was supposed to be dressed at work today. 2 things made this fail. One, I forgot to get a better eyebrow pencil and as a consequence, I would have looked a shitty as the last time I got painted at work. This may sound lame but I'm a bit worried that the SO might stop by today and that risk plus the inevitable frustration of looking like crap b/c the makeup I have here is lousy just made it not worth it.

I guess I didn't mention that my office buddy has noted that I never get dressed up so she has schedule time in my month to dress up. that is cool but I really need to get better make-up here as the first time I tried the glue I use to stick my brow down with failed and my brow pencils failed and my eyelash glue failed and my lipstick failed...so I looked terrible and that sort of detracted from the experience. Anyway, I got new glue which is great but I forgot about the brow pencil...and that is why I'm so bitter right now...fuck.

I'm really feeling frustrated about my dressing up right now...really frustrated.

news and more news

so, the day that I posted the last one, I outed myself to another lady and she 100% seriously wants me as her tranny maid. Now the hard part will be finding the time to do it but that is a total dream come true! Yay!! Also, after talking with all of the boss ladies at the building I often work in, I decided that there was no way in hell I'd work for those folks. One of them is super, but the rest are total bitches and frankly, I wouldn't risk being outed and be mistreated by those ladies...so I can put that one to rest. Oh and just a funny little thing but when I do paperwork, I do some dictating. If someone types a dictation, they leave their initials at the bottom to show that it was typed by someone. So, I've started putting vv (vanessa vaughan) at the bottom of my dictations...fun! gotta work now but I'll keep posting. so far Fiona hasn't responded to my maid offer...sigh.

attitude is everything

So...this may be brief as I have not gotten painted lately but there are story lines that are ongoing. For instance, the whole working as a housekeeper at the building I am in frequently has had it's ups and downs. Currently it is in a bit of an up-phase. Now, I need to qualify this to my good friends that read this blog. I totally understand that this playing out as I want it to do is incredibly unlikely and possibly unwise but, I love the thought of it so much it is motivating me to pursue it a bit further. So, what has happened in the last while is I ran into one of the supervisors and she said I could actually work under a pseudonym. That was really one of the key problems for me as my name would be immediately recognizable. Anyway, so then I sought out my other boss lady and checked in with her about this. She has been quite amused by all this thus far and she said she would ask the boss of bosses if my using a pseudonym on the schedule would be okay. So that is where this sits...I'm waiting. When I was in the office with the one boss lady, the HR lady was there and we were talking about uniforms again...that was fun but I suspect that, me doing it in a dress may be the limiting step. Again, it is next to impossible for this to work out but there is something in me that loves the idea of it so much I'm going to keep trying....for now.

The being a maid for friend/peer is still not there yet. I'll quickly run through my current potentials. My office buddy...currently in basement suite so...nope. Plus she is ignoring my trannyness so much lately, I'm feeling a bit hurt....I understand that her life has been hellish of late and I love being supportive but I need the sense that me being dressed up matters. Otherwise it is just like I am forcing this into the interaction and I don't like that feeling. As I have said, so many times, I want my friends to WANT/prefer me dressed up. Anyway, I suspect she is leaving the hellishness behind her now and I hope that she starts getting back into our fun dynamic. She really does have amazing instincts in all this, so I hope this works out. The other potential is proving a bit harder than expected. I think that her limit is like most of the other girls. They have lives that do not allow for having a tranny come over. The one girl I was optimistic about is just really busy. Another one who has kids may actually have a one-time deal for me to get over but I haven't heard a peep and it would be this week.

and those are the good options...eek.

the other options are just not gonna happen. The SO...doesn't deserve it. period.
My two lovely housekeeping buddies both have very square boyfriends they live with.
My other at work buddy is in the process of heading into marriage I suspect and this would not be cool at her pad.
A work gf that is recently separated...offered to her but she live in a place that is scrutinized by her narrow-minded colleague right now...so nope.

OMG, I totally forgot one maid thing...This one is a bit of fun but in reality...not interesting. I interact with a couple of women who are housekeepers. One of the ladies daughters interacts with me as well. So, I told the daughter (who is 24) about my dream to be a housekeeper (but no mention of doing it in drag) and she said I should ask her mom as she'd probably let me help. The next time I saw her, she said that there was a new opening and they needed some help. Now, the reality of this one sucks for several reasons. This lady is super religious, so dressing up is impossible most likely. This lady knows my SO...so that is way too close. But the attitude of the daughter is totally cool with the idea (minus the drag)...and that is awesome. I did say that her mom wouldn't be too cool to a boy on the team either.

So there that is. One last note. There is a local female tv hostess named Fiona Forbes in Vancouver. I actually used to know her pretty well years ago and have always thought she was super cool. Anyway, I LOVE her style...her outfits are often exactly what I love to wear, and so I watch her almost every night or on youtube. Anyway, she is also a fb friend and I think she remembers the boy me from years ago. So...she often attends these super cool events, some of which are tranny friendly. So, I have tried to keep up with this but I have failed mostly. I recently sent her a message about this topic and asked if she had an open calendar on fb or twitter, so I could see what she was planning to attend. Many of the functions she attends are benefits and often for a good cause and I think it would be perfect to attend one of these and be in drag! So, her response to the question about the calendar was along the lines of her not having one but if she had a publicist, she might have one organized. I responded with a comment about loving to be her publicist but not feeling qualified but as a maid maybe. So...can I just say that being the maid to a super cool urban professional woman would be a dream come true. Period. No surprise here but being her maid would be like winning the lottery.

So the dressing up is a disaster but I just can't keep on crying about it and being down. So, I am trying to do what I can right now. Lots of wearing dresses and hose during the day. Also, I have really developed some amazing friendships with a couple ladies. My housekeeping friends are amazing and everyday they say something that is so wonderful. I just can't get enough them. We talk about our relationships, clothes, shoes...it is all I've ever wanted from gfs. I just wish I could hang out with them. I have also developed a good dynamic with another neat lady on fb and she is really fun but she is in the middle of a disastrous  relationship and is being preoccupied with this. But she seems to be very intuitive about the more kinky side of my dressing up...that is super fun!

What else? well, gotta get out...so gonna work on it. My arms are almost done with laser hair removal...probably work on my back (yes..ug) or chest soon. Unfortunately, the ladies at the place I get laser are so normal it sucks...any attempts at feminine stuff by me are a big fat fail. But the concept of hairlessness...super hot!

I didn't go to the roller derby... too out in public with a potential for uncool types.

The beauty supply lady is gone away right now so...we'll see but I suspect that one is really unlikely.

One quirky thing....I ordered a couple of corsets. One was supposed to be a small and the other large as i wanted to give one as a gift. Anyway, 2 larges came...bummer. But what was a surprise, was the fact that both came with a matching thong. This opens up a strange thrill for me. Thongs are not designed for male anatomy and throughout most of my life, I really had zero interest in them. But a while back, I was given one as a gift and it tied into a very powerful feminine notion. There is 2 aspects of this as well. The first one is simply the flat front that women have and men don't . It is distinctly female and as a consequence, a thong is a piece of clothing that points this out. So, if I was to wear one, I would have to be flat-fronted (tucked) or it would just look like I'm flossing my nuts. Which is about as ugly as an image as I could think of. So, tucking is kind of hot to me b/c it is the hiding of the male part...THE male part. and to hide this is to reject it somewhat...that is powerful. There are only a few things I can think of that are as clearly feminizing as hiding the male parts. So, why I dig this...no idea but tucking has become something I find quite cool...I have only done it a few times but when I have...woohoo. There is another aspect of the thong and this one is a bit more common, in that I have seen stuff about this on the web. In order to fit into a thong, one would need to be of a certain size (unless you tucked). Therefore, being able to wear a thong implies that your anatomy is less sizeable. Being large is a powerful aspect of masculinity. Trust me, in the locker room and everywhere else, most boys like to think they are endowed. Even if you are around normal, you still would never be inclined to want to think that you might be undersized. It is one of the most basic masculine traits. So...me, having a less than masculine side, really finds it exciting to think of myself as less than a man. Wearing a thong and it fitting does that in spades...I must say that, even as I write this, I feel sort of creepy/weird/deviant...but it does make sense...I want to be feminized and reject my masculinity so...there you go...

Update and upbeat?

So...I'd love to tell everyone that I've found a woman who needed housekeeping, asked if I knew anyone who could help and then said that she'd prefer it if it was a man dressed in full maid outfit. That would be a dream come true for me. Well, it hasn't happened and my pursuit of this opportunity has not ceased. My work colleague is divorcing and so, I may actually get to be her maid. She would be awesome because she is full-on "pamper me" and doesn't give a care about me being dressed up at all. She's good and demanding too. The trouble is that she is moving into a basement suite for the immediate time being and that will not work with the upstairs tenants. I do think that this is my most likely chance to get to live out my dream. It is the most real and as a consequence, I can't wait for her to get on with the moving!

For me, to be a maid for someone is my dream but they've got to want me to be. The don't have to be super bossy or aggressive about it but I need to know that they are pleased by me doing this. And if they progress to expecting it or taking it for granted, then all the better. Because I am so overly scarred by the way I have seen people react to cross-dressing, I want me being dressed up to be wanted and good and then progress to how I am. I want my girlfriends to see me as Vanessa and not the facade I put on every day so that I can not be the victim of prejudice and scorn. I want them to be disappointed if I'm not pursuing my fem side in some way like hosiery or whatever. I would love it is any of my gfs would be bossy enough to tell me that I HAVE to wear hose, even on days when they won't see me and to follow-up on this. The problem is that most of the ladies are so kind they won't be that bossy or they are so busy that they don't have time to follow-up on this. I just wish I could find a few that were motivated to pursue this.

Now it is fair to wonder if it is right for me to ask this of my friends...I think the answer is no and I would be lying if I said that this is a requirement of my friendship. The only thing I need is a person who is cool and be cool with me being Vanessa. That in itself makes that woman so special and precious already. I am only talking about what I would love to get out of my friends. Now, to be honest and fair, I would be more than happy to do this for any female friends I have. If they wanted me to speak of certain topics or push them in a certain manner, I'd do it in a heartbeat

Also, it should be noted that on the occasion, my gfs will spontaneously say something like this and I can't tell you how much it means to me. I don't think I mentioned that I got 2 gifts recently. One from a lovely lady who needed favour for her sister. I did it and she gave me some hose and eyelashes. She really is special to me and unfortunately, she has recently gotten married which means she is gone to me. Too bad b/c her and I were like best friends right away. Anyway, I am happy for her...just sad that I've lost her. The other one is really special. It is the lady who has 3 kids, cat and dog at her place and so I can't be her maid b/c of that. Also, her and I went dancing last October and it was amazing. Anyway, she bought me some eyeshadow that she thought would be great on me. She said that she saw it and thought of me. Then when I said it would be a while before she would get to see me in it...she was disappointed and said so. So, how cool is she. I love her friendship.

The SO and crossdressing is pretty much dead. No comments or responses or feedback whenever I attempt to bring it up. Frankly, I've sort of given up and moved on with my dressing up hopes.

Other updates
A gf that I LOVE is in roller derby and I was thinking that a roller derby event might be a good thing to go to in drag. When I spoke with her about it she was in favour but did express concern about the dudes in the beer garden. We'll see on this.

A gf that I haven't seen in over 8 years is coming to the city nearby. She wants to go out with me as Vanessa and I think this will happen...She is so cool and man, would I love to be in the same city as her...special connection there.

I bought 6 wigs from a lady on fb, a new corset (cheap and I haven't tried it yet) online, and 4 pairs of shoes while away in the US.

The lady who manages the beauty supply place mentioned that her assistant manager was opening a shop and may need someone. She hasn't asked her boss about me being her stockgirl yet. Also, she showed me photos of her employee and he was fully in drag! Still doubt this opportunity due to the restrictive "must be available for all shifts" nature of this job but I still have great fantasies about it.

the housekeeping at the big building is dead...just too impossible to keep it quiet. the housekeeping at my office is still complicated by the fact that our current cleaner would spy on whoever replaced them.

there are 2 other ladies I could be a maid for out there right now as potentials. One of them is really cool and has been out with me in drag once before. She was the first person ever to see me in drag that knew me from where I work. She is super cool and might actually dig having maid. Just mentioned it (again) today so we'll see. Then there is my other girl, who may also be divorcing...just not sure she'd dig it. Funny but the 2 of them have the same 1st name.

I think the key thing for me right now is to get painted...but in the meantime, I'm going to keep pursuing the dream of working as Vanessa.

Well?...now what????

So, I'm in the mood to blog b/c this seems to be my only outlet right now....oh boohoo for me...lol.

So, no new news on the housekeeping although a very dear fb friend has reminded me that I should consider doing the housekeeping at my office as I mentioned a while back. I had sort of dropped that b/c of the weekly requirement but, in light of recent circumstances, I think I might re-evaluate this option. Problems with it are, weekly obligation, firing the current cleaner (who still would be doing other offices nearby), figuring out a reason why to tell the co-worker. The last one is funny b/c it was my co-worker who suggested it but my SO doesn't know she knows I dress, so I actually need to figure a lie that I don't need to tell...sillyness. Anyways, I'm going to put this one back up into consideration.

Another curious one is sort of there but not. There is a lady I have worked with who manages a beauty supply store. She doesn't totally seem into tranny stuff, that is, when I've been able to bring the topic up she isn't super into it. Not that she is down on it or against it for religious reasons, but just doesn't seem like her cup of tea. Anyway, about a year or so ago, I told her that I would LOVE to work at her store. Like so many people, she just thought it was kind of nice but crazy that someone as well-paid and in such a respected profession would want to work at a beauty supply store for not much money. Over time, I was able to convince her that it would be cool for me b/c I made it clear that I love make-up and stuff like that and, in my job, I don't get any opportunity to enjoy these topics much. She loves make-up as well, so she understands the mentality and began to believe that I was serious about my job curiosity. She mentioned they had rules about clothes and you had to wear black or white. I said that would be no issue for me. But then she informed me that, to work for her company, one must be available for any shift. Boom...so it ends...I was pretty sad and she was remarkably nice about it. I told her I had picked out some really cute outfits. Again, to emphasize, I never tell that I would wear a dress or anything directly. I always use terms like smart-looking and cute but never specifics. Anyway, after the bad news, I still kept mentioning how sad I was to not be her employee and how good I would be. I had said that, being a stock-person would be perfect but she said that all employees do all aspects of the job...again, this would be a bit complicated as well. Anyway, it sort of became less discussed, although she did make a point of mentioning that another store had hired a male and that he had dressed as a woman for the christmas photo. Anyway, I saw her recently and she mentioned that she had hired a boy. He is openly gay and effeminate. So then I got back into the topic and how bummed I was. She mentioned that she would love to hire me but the limit of the shift availability and also that she said she would feel weird telling me what to do. Also she said she'd be bugging me for my professional advice all the time. I told her that, if she hired me and I was allowed to have this opportunity to have cool co-workers who accepted me (again not saying what I'm being accepted for), then I would be so appreciative, that I would gladly offer free advice. Also, I said that I am a very obedient employee and would do what I'm told. So, then I said, she should ask her regional manager if they could hire a person to do the stock as it comes in on Thurs and I said I could go early friday to get it all done. She said that she was going to see if the company would allow this. Anyway, it was fun. I suspect this won't happen. One great thing is, this store is quite far from where I live and work so that would mean I would be safe from bumping into someone I know. The likelihood is next to zero but it makes for great fantasy...I start and dress conservatively but progressively get more feminine....pants and top to more feminine/longer top, to more legging like pants with a more tunic-like top, to leggings with longer top, then either skirt or top that is actually a dress, then tights, then nylons. Seems so easy, lol. Along the way, I'd have to progress with footwear, regular shoes, feminine styled male shoes, more male style female shoes, then heels! Or, boots...more masculine, to more feminine, to above knee or with a heel. And, of course, make-up. My dream scenario would be the ladies there saying that I "might as well," since I'm working in that industry and then progressing to more and more feminine looks. Anyway, that would be my dream.

I also am really frustrated that one of my absolute fave ladies would love to have me as a maid but it's the boyfriend/child at home issue again. This lady is, well, about as cool a person as I have met. The only downer about our dynamic is that she has a submissive thing going on as well. If I was not involved, her and I could really have had some fun exploring her interests b/c I definitely would enjoy exploring that side of me as well. But we are both taken and that is cool. Anyway, she is one of the few people I know that I truly believe, thinks it is good that I dress up. I know she would be totally great with me as her maid but I am quite worried about a boyfriend coming home or a neighbor seeing me and it causing some trouble. The interesting thing about her is that she has a true potential to really bring out Vanessa. Unlike so many other gfs, she clearly gets me. She just understands how much this all matters to me and, as such, is willing to be supportive about it, even on topics that might be pushing it. I think she would be totally into it if I came out fully. Our worlds don't cross quite enough as we both are pretty busy outside of our work.

Funny but this little blog has got me thinking about the ladies I've told and why I haven't been able to hang out with them.

So...there is my work friend...married and not cool hubby
my cool friend just mentioned...boyfriend and toddler...too busy
my cool friend who just got married...obvious
my cool friend who is super cool and has an awesome style..uncool hubby and kiddie
my cool fb friend... new baby, crazy bf.
cool work friend...3 kids plus dog and cat at home
cool work friend...2 kids plus new beau
cool sincity girl 1 and 2....married, 1 pregnant, 2, busy mommy plus hubbies
friend that I befriended on fb after she demanded it....supremely busy

Ouch...well, there you go, I clearly need to get to know some less busy people...but how!!!! and where are they?

more of what I think I want or like

So, I have been giving more thought to the question of what would I want from my female friends. When I think of things that make me melt on the inside, it is almost around things that have been said to me or suggested in the past. I have mentioned 2 previous comments in this blog before, the time when my gf said that "I even drive like a woman," and a few things that my work gf has said. One other one that will always be special was the time a girl that I was totally in love with came and sat behind my bar with me. I was a bartender then at a niteclub. Since below my waist was hidden, I wore nylons a lot. So while she was sitting there she observed me and said, "you have great legs, you should wear nylons more often." She didn't say this to make me feel good but b/c that is how she felt. I'll always love her for that!

I think it is also very important that the tone be a certain way. I generally respond well to firm pushing and a more dominant tone works great with me. "Go put your nylons on," as opposed to, "you can wear them if you want," is everything. I think I need to be told because there is still a loud voice inside me that rejects my tranny side. That voice often works against me getting dressed up or going out. It is a very rational and intelligent voice, it knows that dressing up is risky and not cool in most circles and, as such, when I am feeling the desire to dress up, the naysaying voice will overwhelm the tranny voice and I don't dress up. But, if I had someone encouraging me, then I wouldn't want to let them down and it would give me extra motivation. But she would need to be firm...I can think that 2 women I know right now fit that description. One is my work gf and the other is my new friend. My work friend is a bit too protective but she also has that strength to be really demanding. I just think she hasn't embraced it b/c she is preoccupied of late and needs to understand how this will benefit her as well.

It may seem insane but I actually do want to be pushed closer to being outed...I think the appeal of this is having a woman that actually doesn't care if I'm a queen and doesn't care what other people might think. They would want me dressed up so much that the other stuff would be irrelevant. The difficulty with this proposition is most of the woman I become friends with are very understanding that being outed could potentially be bad and, as a consequence, are less likely to push me.

This brings up my new friend. We have been acquainted for a few years now, she is a super hot dresser and I would die to dress like her. As a consequence of this I have pushed the tranny-toned discussions with her for some time. Interestingly enough she is super nice but not super warm, so I wasn't sure whether this topic was well-received or actually bothersome. One thing about us is we have a connection on a deeper level. I'm pretty sure she has some angst and seeks an inner tranquility which is identical to me. The cause of her angst is not clear to me but we do share this mutual desire to drink more deeply from life and try to pull more joy from it. It is very clear to me that she has a very good soul and is a bit fragile way down deep inside. On the other hand, there is quite a power in her as well and this is tantalizing. She is also quite stunning and is interested in fashion and dressing up...She's a bit hard to communicate with by facebook but I am hopeful our friendship can build b/c I think it has great potential.

Her and I speak via facebook. Her fb page is pretty "normal" as it is partly related to her work and her social network. So after a little bit of chatting on fb the question of being official fb friends came up. At that time I was very reluctant b/c my profile pic can be me as a maid or something pretty different and this would mean someone creeping could note I'm a tranny and I was worried about being recognized. So, no befriending at that time. Then she got very slow to respond to our chats and I sort of guessed that our discussion was going to fade away. She would send a 1 sentence message and I would respond that day and 10 days later I'd get another sentence. I just figured she was busy and our dynamic wasn't motivating her to chat. Anyway, then a little while ago, she started chatting a bit more and she asked me to be a friend again. I befriended her and then looked at her friend list (which I could not do without being a friend first). I saw about 15 people I knew as a boy! So I unfriended her. Then things got interesting, she persisted! I explained my concerns and she basically told me to change my profile pic to one that is much harder to see the boi me in. I did but then I was concerned that it might be detrimental for her to have a tranny friend. She doesn't care! How cool is she? Anyway, that is super hot to me. Also, my fb privacy is pretty good now, so I don't need to worry that someone can see my photos or any telling info. So I'm entering a new phase where I feel okay having my profile as a friend with people who may be connected to people I know.

what I want and more frustrating updates

Well folks, I hope I can get to all I want to talk about today! Firstly, thanks for reading! So, I have had some interesting stuff going on lately. If you have been reading, you know one of my dreams has always been for me to be required to dress up and for Vanessa to have a reality. Also, if you have noticed, I'm ALWAYS on the look-out for any opportunity. What that means is, I'm always playing around with me getting a chance to dress up. So, to set the stage you need to understand that I work in a large building for part of my week. This building has a large crew of a housekeepers. I am a very friendly person and as a consequence I have gotten to know many of the housekeeping staff. In fact, some of my favorite people are members of the housekeeping staff. Anyway, over the last few months, I have been joking around with some of the housekeeper's one of the managers of the housekeepers about how much I would like to be a housekeeper as well but the only qualifier is I would want to do it in a skirt or a dress. Again, it is important to establish the dynamic of these discussions to appreciate how things have gone. First of all, most of it has been done in a joking manner. This is not uncommon for me to do until I establish that I can proceed safely. So in the last few weeks I have been feeling really repressed and perhaps this has motivated me to be more bold in my discussion. Also I have ran into the manager of a couple of times lately and this has provided me or opportunity to discuss this housekeeping career option. It also must be understood that I am a professional with a very highly trained career. In a weird sort of way this has provided me some safety as most of the housekeepers would find it unbelievable for someone like me to want to be a housekeeper.

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago I ran into the manager and reminded her about my wishes to become a housekeeper. Then I reminded her about my uniform requirements. She was talking with another housekeeper at this time and we were discussing whether a male could work in a skirt if they wanted. The entire discussion was more akin to a discussion of policies regarding uniforms and rules regarding uniforms. Thus, we talked about tattoos and piercings and whether this would be okay with the company. The standard housekeeping uniform is a tunic and pants but they do allow employees to wear skirts for religious reasons. This has always been something that I have mentioned. So, as our discussion progressed, we moved from generalities to whether or not the company would actually allow a male to wear a skirt. The manager was quite confident that they would allow this. I was on cloud 9! and then I mentioned that there might be a problem with having a male employee in a skirt and the public seeing this. The manager stated that it would be best to work afternoon or evenings and there were areas of the building that were deserted at that time. At the end of our discussion, I asked her if I had to fill out and on-line application and she advised me that I could simply give her my resume because she knows me.

A few days after this discussion, I ran into one of my more favorite housekeepers and talked with her about working as a housekeeper. This lady is absolutely lovely and I have a real fondness for her. Unfortunately any tranny talk tends to make her a little uncomfortable and so I have to tone it down with her. when I saw her recently, I spoke with her about the potential of being a housekeeper and she was supportive. She also agreed that there were areas to work where one would not come into contact with the public.

I then sent the facebook message to one of my favorite housekeepers, who knows about Vanessa and she said that it would be impossible for me to keep this quiet if I did actually do it. So I am very conflicted because it would be so much fun.

The next topic has been prompted by a discussion with another facebook friend. The question is, what would I want from my friends in a perfect world. I don't think I have all the answers to this just yet but I have one example. I think it would be wonderful to have female friends who were really motivated to get me to dress up. I would love it is my friends badgered me about dressing. "How come you are not wearing nylons today?" is a good example. I think it is a difficult issue because what I want is my friends to be more forceful than they would normally be expected to be in a friendship. I also would like it very much if my friends were more assertive in finding opportunities for me to dress up with them. unfortunately we are all very busy people.

I going to think on this more but it is an interesting topic to me.

Oh and I have an interesting tidbit...eek gotta go...tbc!

star-crossed

Hi folks! I'm thrilled you are reading this. So the weather is horrendous and I have a little time b/c most people are snowed in. I'm at work but no-one else is and so I'm in the cutest little knit, black, short-sleeved, too short dress with black tights and my grey heels that I LOVE. No paint b/c I don't have quite enough time. Still, I love this outfit!!!

So, there are many ways I feel that higher powers have always conspired against me dressing up. First of all, I'm not 5'6" with delicate feminine features. Now, I'm also not 6'4" and square jawed so, I'm not totally hooped. I doubt that I could pass b/c of my size though...a little too solid for a female physique. Alas, I do okay on dark nights and rainy weather. Another way I've been cursed is my cautious nature...always careful not to get caught or risk getting caught and outed. Plus, if I was gay...I'd probably be a queen and then all my dressing wouldn't matter all that much. But...if you have been reading recent posts, you will see that I've been stuck in the closet for a couple of months. Nothing gets me more motivated than this. So, I was dead set on going to Sincity this Sat. night. Even though I had to be up at 6 am on Sunday, I was full on in....couldn't wait! and then the gods decided to have a laugh. It snowed a bunch on Friday night to Saturday morning, then it warmed up just enough to create lots of moisture on the streets and then it froze again on Saturday. Now, Sincity is a 60 mile drive both ways (and worth every inch) but I don't think I could have even gotten out of my driveway without sliding off the road. Snowbound (not the fun kind of bound) to say the least.

And get this...I may actually get out to the Taboo sex show in Vancouver this week but the weather is calling for more snow and freezing rain! Like c'mon! This would be a big step for me but I'm really ready...I think it would be safe and I don't suspect anyone would recognize me anyway. But what to wear?

I'm still focused on the maid thing....gotta make it happen. I think the SO may be left out of this b/c her ignoring it completely destroys my desire to serve her. Who wants to please someone who completely rejects their great joys? Not I. Alas, I'll keep hoping but I'm looking at a few other girls that I know from work. The trouble with me doing their maid work is...either their hubbys/boyfriends or kids. I don't want a partner showing up and getting all crazy. Also, I won't be dressed in front of kids...just seems totally wrong to expose a immature mind to something so confusing.

New years.

Well, there really is nothing to update but I have decided on my New Year's resolution! I am determined to work as Vanessa somehow this year. Of course, all the dressing up stuff is there, ie. dress up more yadda-yadda... but I really want to give the work in drag a go...so how? Well, I think maid still is a good option and I may actually have someone that would be cool to me doing it. Remember, I don't want to do it for someone who is not into it b/c that would be super negative for me...Otherwise...planning on Club 23 in the next while...gonna give Sanctuary a try!