so, well, there you go. I am going to blog b/c I'm so frustrated. I don't expect any solutions or any helpful pointers. I'm pretty bitter about my situation right now and I'm going to do my best to not fall into a giant "poor me" blog b/c I really have very little to be upset about in the great scheme of things...heck, I could live in Syria and have real problems. Regardless....I'm pretty low about my dressing up existence.
Here's the issues. I have an very busy life. I am almost completely in the closet. I have an amazing partner who hates my girl side and doesn't want me to tell anyone for fear it could compromise my career. So, my opportunities to get out are to go into Vancouver on the odd evening. The problem with this option is my first point. I have a very busy life and free weekend evenings can be few are far between. Also, I work early at least 5 days a week and this means my poor body-clock doesn't love getting out at 10 pm at the earliest (although it is less of a problem than most things). So, for the last few years my goal has been to get out when I can. I have mentioned that this pattern has not worked and I have been looking for other ways to get fully dressed. The maid thing is limited by being very busy and the SO not wanting anyone to know. I didn't do it the last time at my place b/c the partner doesn't want me to and I resent serving someone who doesn't want or deserve it. If you won't, at least, attempt to treat me as a maid? forget it. Alas, this is what has prompted my latest sadness. The maid thing had me pretty hopeful that I could at least get a chance to dress up. Now, I had fear that it wouldn't work out for a ton of reasons but when you don't have a lot of options, you grasp at straws...Alas, here's where I see myself right now...the Sat night thing will get me out 2 x a year, maybe 5 at best, the maid thing is dead, the office thing is pretty dead right now b/c the SO could show up when I dress up and that would be really bad.
So here is what I have left wear hose under my work stuff, throw on a dress, heels, bra, falsies in the am and at lunch before my clients arrive. Almost zero opportunities to get painted...and I'm stuck. I'm feeling so trapped. And one of the curious things about dressing up for me is that, if I don't do it, the desire to do it increases.
I don't even have any..."well I could do this or try this" things to throw out there to make myself feel better.
Now, I know the reality of this. I created this world and I have to live in it. I get that and, if you saw me in my day-to-day life, you wouldn't have a clue. Where I am sad is on the inside and I have enough happy daily events to keep me amused but when I'm alone and not distracted, I'm really sad about his.
One other thing that has got me down. I have discovered the limit of my facebook friendships. I have previously stated that I will lose friends as they get married. Most men are not cool with another male being close to their wives even if that male is in a dress. So, that isn't really anything new but I did lose someone for that reason recently and it did hurt me a bit. Mostly b/c she was exactly the kind of friend I love. She loves fashion, shoes, make-up and all that...now she's gone...She told me her hubby didn't like her on facebook and she disabled the page. But what has also happened is that the other girls have settled into a predictable pattern. All but 1 girl basically will send the odd message every 5-10 days and do a short catch up and that is it. I'm on fb every day almost b/c it is the only place I can chat to people that know of Vanessa and are cool with Vanessa. So, I have grown tired of having to work so hard to enable friendships. I'm like the over-eager friend, always replying within less than a day and then logging on and no new messages. It's a sad reality that all these ladies have full lives and don't have time to bother messaging me...and I'm sort of tired of this. I give up on having to always be the one who has to make the friendships happen. This does mean I'm out of luck though, these ladies will fade away. But I'm just fed up with the feeling like most of these ladies are my friend b/c I am after them all the time.
Well, hopefully, next blog will be good news...I'm due. lol
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