some good news

Well, it has been a little while and I haven't posted too much. No massive heartbreaks or injuries in the last while, which is wonderful. I continue to adapt with facebook, I find that I have a better understanding and acceptance of those who don't use it and I am better at letting them go early on versus going through the dance of being made to feel like a bother and then being really upset when they don't make the same efforts to chat.

Last blog I mentioned coming out to a couple of ladies. It really went well and the ladies are fantastic to talk to. One is great on facebook, the other is lousy with facebook, so I just dropped that interaction. I still think she is super cool but I can't build any dynamic with her, and I won't be able to change her fb ways, so it is what it is. I ended up coming out to a couple more ladies and they are very supportive as well. All in all, it has been a good period.

I have been dressing up more in the last few months. I am worried about falling into a bad pattern now that the holidays are done and I am back to being super busy. But I will fight for my dress up time a bit more. The SO does openly acknowledge the importance of it b/c I get so poopy if I don't get to do it.

I got some new wedges that I want to try at work but I'm very eek as they are 4 inches.

I have a pair I have been wearing lately that are pretty girly

these have elicited some curious looks but I have felt okay with them. The new ones do represent a big step and I'm kind of worried about the wrong person gossiping about it. But I will forge ahead and try to open the doors to my cell a bit

not quite dead

So, I have been proceeding along the path I spoke of in my last blog. The facebook thing really is what it is, some occasional chatting with a few ladies. I have come to terms with it. It still provides me with all kinds of fun but it is just not a regular thing.
I am amused by the fact I get about 1 message a week from guys. I want to figure a way to say, "don't bother" in a nice manner because it is a waste of their time but I get where they are coming from. Nothing ventured nothing gained. I really don't know of a way to tell them to not bother.

I have not given up on pushing the limits at my office though. I wear scrubs at my office and it gives me a bit of fluidity with my wardrobe. So, over the last year, I have added some rather feminine shoes...There are two pairs actually. The upper pair has a 3/4 inch wedge heel and is very much like a ballet flat at the toe.

The other shoe is still a woman's shoe but definitely a bit less girly.

the second photo shows the more androgynous shoe on with nylons and my fave black pump. I've got a way to go before I can pull that one off at the office.

Anyway, the progression has been coming along. I have been wearing nylons under my pants for years and years....like since grade 3. I started ditching my socks on and off after high school. At my office, I have gone with nylons since I started. The only thing is, I do gauge it to the clientele. If someone is coming in that is not someone I want to share with I pull my socks on or I don't put the hose on. I also use the "they are support socks" excuse if I get questioned by someone who I want to keep in the dark about me wearing nylons. 

As for my shoe choices, I change from client to client. For most folks I wear the one on the right but for ones that I feel I am safe to push it (cool person, or a really good sense of humor) I wear the low wedge. For the scary folks, boy shoes. 

Since other aspects of my life are really limited on dressing up, I have been trying to figure out ways to go further at the office. My colleague and I decided that I could try yoga pants. Not sexy I know but definitely on the more girly spectrum than basic boy pants. So I have a pair of black and a pair of grey yoga pants that I wear at times. It is interesting because there are a ton of non-crossdresser men that wear them now, so I am safe as far as being accused of wearing "women's" clothing but they are definitely not masculine. 

My next goal is to get a top that is longer than the ones I wear. The scrub tops are almost always short. If you get a larger size, they don't get longer, they get wider. I am hope to find one or have one made that goes to my upper thighs.  This is making my life fun at the office and I love doing this for some unknown reason. 

As for connecting with others, there are two ladies I am hoping to come out to. They both love makeup and we talk about it all the time. I am in the final stages of getting a sense of if they will be cool with this. It looks great. 

As for maid stuff, there is a lady I know that has said yes but she needs to finalize it. It looks promising. 

and so it goes

So I'm in a corner now. Background? closeted tranny, in relationship with unaccepting but amazing partner. Since my partner wants nothing to do with the dressing up, my goal has been to try to find women to hang out with while I'm dressed. For about the last 6 years, I have been working at finding people that meet the criteria and it appears that it will never happen. This failure is primarily due to choices I make. I chose to be a part of my household over my own tranny needs. I have chosen a career that is very unaccepting and this has made it even harder for me to come out or dress up. But I am sad, really sad that I can't find women to get together with. There seems to be a couple of  reasons why. But before I get to those, it actually starts at the fact that there is only a small percentage of women I dare to trust. So, after I get a sense I can trust someone, I go to the next step of trying to see if they would be okay with hanging out with me in drag and then trying to work it out. Each step on the way has points where the process can fail.

Each part of the process brutalizes me. For instance, I have spoke about how painful it is for me to be told "I would never date a guy that wore dresses" or "you are amazing but I could never deal with that." While I appreciate their honesty, it does reinforce that I am completely unworthy and unlovable. The kicker is, I am right ...those who argue with me will say that they love me but I know that they love the me that I present...the boy me. If I got to be the real me, would they? It really goes into the question of  what does it mean to love someone? If you don't accept me in dresses then do you love me? Anyway, it has been this way since I was 5, where I knew that I had to hide a big part of who I am to be allowed to be loved/accepted.

Most of the time, I don't need to worry about being loved, in fact, I often have to try to skip the topic of whether the lady I speaking with would tolerate crossdressing from her partner. Even the most accepting ladies I know say no. Nothing ruins the dynamic more than having that dropped in to the scenario. Regardless, there are a reasonable number of women who would be fine with, or even enjoy, a tranny for a friend. But the goal of getting together goes off the rails in a few ways.

The most common issue is the the significant other. In most relationships, the duo communicate about their day-to-day activity. So, if the woman is going out somewhere, she will let her partner know what she is doing. So, this is where it gets sticky, most guys are not cool with this. It either relates to a general trans phobia/hate or jealousy issues. Regardless of the cause, it appears to be pretty much 98% of the time. I don't want a woman to lie or mislead her partner as that will just lead to trouble. The issue also is me wanting to stay closeted. My woman friends cannot just tell their men who it is they are going out with and that is a killer. This one has been really bugging me lately because I know a few women that would love to hang out with Vanessa (me).

I have began to ask these women for advice on what they think I should do...they usually say I should find other trannies but I don't want to hang out with other guys in dresses except in circumstances where that is okay. Events such as the southern comfort conference and other events would be lovely (no time to get to them) but in day to day life, I don't want that attention. I did enjoy the times I went to sincity here in Vancouver but it is hard to get out to these because of my busy life. Plus, regarding hanging out with other trannies is not my bag because I really love women and don't like men.

So, I'm stuck and unlike previously, I no longer feel like I have any chance/hope of coming up with an answer. What do I do? I  guess, I suck it up and accept my reality and try to get out to sincity more. It is the only option for me to have a chance to dress up and do anything. But the sense of feeling alone, feeling cursed, feeling unloved is stronger than ever.

One other thing that has contributed to my sad mood is the betrayals. Once again I have found out that a woman who professed to love me as a friend has betrayed me by telling my secret to others without first asking me if it was okay. Here is how I found out: there is a lady I work with that is really into make-up, so we have started chatting about make-up. I know a ton about make-up and way more than the average guy. I am very good at talking about girly things and not giving up any hint that I am talking about myself. But after enough banter it is pretty obvious that there is something going on with me and the girlish stuff. So, this lady had passed all the usual tests I like to put someone through in order to see if I want to tell them. My only concern with her was the fact that she is really an open book kind of person and I worried she might be open about me. Anyway, I decided to ask her what she knew about me and she told me she knew I liked to dress in "ladies" things. I asked her how she knew and she told me that "X" told me. Now, I told X a long time ago (6 years) and she actually told someone about it and I found out. So when it happened 6 years ago, I confronted X about it and she was very apologetic and seemed quite sincere that she didn't mean to hurt me but she was upset b/c she had a crush on me and was confused. Anyway, when I heard that X might have told the new lady, I asked X if she told her. She denied that she had. So I asked another lady that is in the same circle and knows. She is a good friend and I know she is an honest person. She told me that X told her long before I told her....so X is a liar.

To put this in context, X vehemently denied telling anyone else and has been hoping get together with me in the next few weeks. So this is a person that I still chatted with regularly on facebook. I have to say, I am so very tired of all the betrayals...so worn out. The first woman I told was when I was 12 and she betrayed me (no surprise with a 12 year old). But this is just so tiresome, I mean really, why can't people be trusted. Now there are a few people that I have told that think it is so cool they don't feel it should be a secret and they might betray me in a way that is done with no malice but for the most part it is just a woman gossiping to another person. So thoughtless, so mean...and it hurts me. For some reason, I have not become numb to the betrayals, but I am tired of them.

So where does this leave me? Well, my facebook thing is what I predicted a few months back. A mechanism to look at cool queens and find out about event but not a device to interface with people I know. My message folder is pretty quiet. I waver between wearing nylons at work and not...depends on my clientèle and how close they are to my home life. I need to get on with making time to dress and just accept that I either have to go out solo or try to get to sincity...it is sad but I can't change this unless I give up my homelife or worklife and that is too much to ask....wow, did I ever draw the short straw at some point.

updating

well, after the February blow up, I felt no desire to blog. I kept away because I really didn't have anything I wanted to post, plus I know this gets read by a few people involved and I didn't want to share with them. Anyway, I am now 6 months after the whole upsetting affair. It has settled sort of how I expected it would. I was devastated/hurt and after the dust settled, I re-evaluated what it was that was upsetting me and tried to work on that. That is not to minimize the harsh realities that lead to the blow up or to say that there have been no changes or consequences from these. The dream of having a group of good fb friends with whom I can be the real me is dead. What remains is the fact that I can use fb as a mechanism for interaction but it is very limited. I also accepted that I needed to block some people on fb. That is a very big deal for me but it was necessary to break a unhealthy cycle.

So, over the last 6 months I have had a lot of fun with one work colleague. She finally got me to get my white heels that I have wanted for years. So happy about them, they are lovely.

I had a big holiday and that means no dressing but since I have been back I've dressed up twice at the apartment. It is still magical for me to dress up there. The last 2x I dressed up at the apartment I got dressed and then I was kind of bummed b/c I wanted to do something other than sit in an empty apartment. There has always been a drive in me to get out when I am dressed up. So, last Sunday, I mustered up the courage to go out. After feeling like a failure for not getting out I decided it was time to give it a go. What this entailed was me picking something to wear that was a bit mellower that usual. Also, after I did my makeup, I tried on a bunch of wigs. Two looked good, really blonde (which I LOVE) and my dark wavy one. So, in order to be less noticeable, I went with the dark one. I got a long sleeved black dress which goes just to below the knee on my. I wore beige stockings (and OMG the lousiest garter belt ever...stupid thing kept popping undone on the stockings) and black ballet flats. So, I sat there for a little while and tried to fb a few ladies to see if we could meet...no answer and no-one available, so I just decided to go for it and come to see if my office was an option. What this meant was leaving the apartment and walking down to the hall to the stairs, down the stairs to the parkade and out to the car. I was pretty terrified of running right into someone but I got all my stuff set and opened the door and looked down the hallway. There was no-one there and I was off. When I walked to the car in the parkade, I heard a door closing to another car about 6 cars away. I just looked forward and walked. Then I drove to my office. I made sure there were no cars in the parking lot and the gates were locked. If there was no-one there, it is obvious b/c the gates need to be opened. They were locked, so I drove right up to them, unlocked them and drove in. I walked up the stairs to my office, opened the door and went it. Once inside I did paperwork like the good little secretary I often wish I was. After about an hour, I had to get going home, so I got back to boi mode and was done. It was a monumental occasion for me because I bought the apartment with the intention of using it to go out, so I finally did that. Now, I really, really don't want to go to the office b/c of the high risk of being caught so I need to find a safe place to go.

I am getting a lot closer on maid stuff...so I hope I can find time and do that. It feels like it is going to happen.

I've lost another very dear friend to a happy relationship. Her boytoy is someone I know, so us chatting is too high risk. I am so sad about this b/c she was AMAZING to chat to. But I need to be a big girl and I am. For a while, I was really down about this b/c it always reminds me that I am unable to have meaningful relationships with women b/c their partners are threatened. I feel doomed to forming a connection and then having my heart broken as the person has to get rid of me. But I accept that this is my reality. So, to be happy, I need to understand that I am pretty much destined to have rare opportunity to have a good friendship that can persist, so enjoy it while I can.

Gotta say, I wish my work colleague was not one of those, "cannot talk to b/c of boyfriend." She is an absolute dream of a friend and gf. Just perfect.

I was trying to push the envelope with regards to my work attire lately. I was wearing fun coloured nylons and feminine shoes. It was a blast and really going well but some rain has started on my parade. First of all, people get sent to see me and so sometimes I get seen by people who are related to my social circle. So, it is a bit risky for me to be wearing fishnets when I don't always know if the next client is a best friend's friend or something. Another downer was at work, I have had an interesting experience with a few work colleagues. One lady is an absolute bomb...super cool, fun, playful, great makeup, likes fashion but not obsessive. Since she is so cool, I have been discussing shopping and stuff while being non-committal. The usual thing I do is mention shoes but not saying heels or talking about an outfit but not a dress. Anyway, she got curious and I started considering sharing with her but I did my screening question of whether she would be okay dating a guy in heels (often it is phrased as "what would you do if you found out your partner wore dresses or like to dress up") anyway, she was clear that she wouldn't accept it. So, that reminded me that no-one really can ever love me b/c no-one wants to be with a tranny (b/c this is the billionth time I've heard this). Then later on I was considering showing her a photo of some shoes. I understand it is a huge leap from dating/marrying a tranny versus having one for a friend. So, I offered to show her something but she was not giving me the enthusiasm I would have like, so I asked her about whether she wanted to "talk with me about the real me" and she said "if you feel you want to share." So, that is the most polite "no, thanks" I have ever gotten...but it was no thanks. The last negative work thing was a young, nice lady that I have worked with about 20-30 times. Nice, kind of churchy but still okay. Anyway, a while back I told her that I hate the fact my eyes are close together. When we worked together last week, she mentioned that she met someone with close set eyes as well. This got to discussing how men can't use makeup to help with this. I then described the tricks that one does for this. She stated, "I'm thinking that you have done this before." Coyly, I responded, "well, I can't say yes or you might judge me." What knocked my socks off was she did not say she wouldn't. All she said was that she "wouldn't think less of me." Fuck me...like a 25 year old woman!

So that has made draw back a bit..or a lot actually. This is really hard for me b/c I love wearing nylons all the time. I always have the urge to put on nylons and panties at least. Plus I feel so happy when I "get away" with it. I do feel I will decrease my interactions with work colleagues. I'm sad about this but, right now, I just feel like they are a bunch of narrow-minded twats. I am so sick of being disappointed by folks that I am going to just bury the girly banter for now. I'm not sure about the work outfits....I'll see how the next while goes....I need inspiration.

so...what's up for the next while? maid work, dressing at the apartment and hopefully getting out a bit.

more confirmations

So, as I mentioned last time, I had ran into a woman that I genuinely liked and that I used to chat with on fb. She did make me consider reconnecting through another fb page. Then yesterday, I ran into a woman that I have a curious relationship with. She is really one of the very few women that I truly believe have no problem with me wearing dresses, like none. I never got the feeling that she was saying what I wanted to hear for any reason, just that she thought it was cool. As a consequence, there is a special place in my heart for her. On the other hand, we have had one really bad spell where she got quite angry and was very hurtful to me. In the end, we made up and we were chatting on fb a bit. She is a not great at initiating but she does do it at times. She has gotten into a very serious relationship but she has told me that her hubby to be is cool with her having a tranny friend. Anyway, she finally (2 weeks plus) noticed that the fb page was gone. She asked last week and I told her why. This week she brought it up again and we ended up chatting and by the end of it I was having the same feeling as when I saw the other lady who made me want to chat again. But I'm a big believer in omens. I just like the notion of being given signs about decisions. It is romantic and nonsensical but for my tranny life, I embrace it. I don't do it for any serious decisions but for stuff like this, whether I should start a new fb page or not, I totally look at the signs. Anyway, so, yesterday, I also got to see a lady I totally loved chatting with. She is amazing on almost all fronts and I was really, really sad to lose her with the death of Vanessa. Buuuuuuuut, she is also in the early stages of a relationship and this one has been getting closer to the point where she needs to disclose who she talks with on fb. For a long time, she has known this would mean that I would have to disappear and her and I could not chat any longer. Anyway, she went on a trip with her man. She was not sure how things would work out. If they were good (which is really good for her btw b/c the guy is pretty cool), then she and I would most likely have to stop chatting. So, after having 2 women make me think that I should consider a new fb page, I saw her and got the report that the trip was great. So, great news for her and I am genuinely happy for her. But it was a completely clear message to me that I should not do a new fb page or at least consider contacting anyone through it. I was very sad about the loss.

Then today, who do I have to work with? A fantastic lady that was the one that really was the straw that made me kill Vanessa. She is really great and I would not have opened up to her if I didn't think that way. But it is so painful to have her working with me. One because, she really did break my heart with what she said. Two, because of my injury, I really don't want to see or talk to her. Three, I don't want to talk to her but we work in a group and so you have to pretend to be all friendly. It was painful, awful, horrible and it ruined my day even more. I just would rather never ever work with her again, then I don't have to talk with her, also, I don't want to be in close proximity to her because I don't want to make her feel badly. She was totally correct in her statement to me, she was very observant and there can be no debate about what she said. That is all fine, but I was devastated by it and I have no interest in hanging out with someone who really hurt me, even if it wasn't on purpose. Plus, I really don't want to make her feel badly. I just want to avoid her. Fuck me.

So all in all I'm hating life right now. I am too busy so I never get to dress up. Tragic really, I've got an amazing boy life and I should be doing fucking cartwheels about my situation. Well, I've said it for a while...I'm cursed.

3 weeks post mortem

So, I'm 3 weeks post killing Vanessa. I'm good with it still. I still feel that there are a few women that would give a smug "I knew you'd come back" type of commentary if I did. Also, I really don't feel that I've lost all that much. The further away it gets the more content I feel about the decision. The other thing is I have also had only one interaction which made me want to go back or consider contacting someone with a new page. This lady was wonderful to talk to and she initiated discussion from time to time, so she was not part of the issue. My only concern with her, and this highlights another issue, is that she is a little too close to my boy life and people that know the boy me. In fact, that is something I have not mentioned, the fact that I am still quite closeted and some of my so-called friends have outed me to people without my permission. They always qualify their betrayal by saying that the person they were telling was cool or accepting or whatever but, the truth is, they completely betrayed me by telling someone. So, having no photos that can be seen anymore is really relaxing. I have no fears that someone has proof of the tranny me without my permission.

There was another variable about the facebook friendship experience that was trying and I'm glad is done. What happened frequently was the women I chatted with may have ended up in a relationship which caused them to ditch me. Or, I would open up to a woman but she would not be able to chat with me due to her partner feeling threatened. I understand this dynamic completely. I also can see that it is a bit crazy as it makes a bunch of assumptions. First of all, it does speak to the maturity of the couple's trust. Ultimately, your partner is trustworthy or not. I used to be very jealous about my girlfriends and want to put walls around them but I have learned that you really have no control over your partner and her choices. If she wants to be with someone else, there is little you can do. This is not to say that you don't try to be a good partner and don't pay attention but if your partner wants to be with someone else, there is little you can do. That really is saying that they have some need you are not meeting or that have some needs that you aren't fulfilling. This is no reflection on you if you are doing your best to be a good partner, this is a reflection on them. But irrespective of my opinions, I have had about 25% of the women I have opened up to end the dynamic b/c they were concerned that their partner would be threatened or uncomfortable with the concept of their woman chatting with a dude. I must say, I feel that is a bit silly. First of all, I'm a tranny for crying out loud. 99% of women would never ever date me, even the ones that love me as a person are still not necessarily interested in having a tranny for a spouse. Also, there is the fact that there is no way I would be with any of them. I'm taken and I'm never ever going to cheat so...that trumps any chance of any playing around. But I have to respect this variable and it did help to sour me on the attempts at facebook interaction. The ones that it really hurt the most with were ones that I was there for them when they were going through stuff but the second they get serious with a boy, I get kicked to the curb. It made me feel used.

anyway, I'm still desperately hoping to find more time in my life for dressing up and trying to focus on that.

the continued death of me...soon to be over though...getting tiresome

So, I reviewed my discussions about what happened with me 11 days ago. The killing of the fb page, twitter, and making all photos go away. It is a bit misleading when I read it b/c it makes it sound like I barely ever got any interaction with the "friends". Actually, when I did get replies, we often would have some form of discussion. The problem was I always (except you KS and JT), had to initiate...like always. And then, if I didn't initiate, months would go by. I tried to justify it by taking a more mature thought process, "I am willing to do this because these relationships mean so much to me," and "I'm a better friend than most of them." But it is a bit like knowing you are ugly, you can come up with a million ways of comforting yourself but the fact that you never get hit on, asked out, looked at....it sort of tells you the harsh truth. So, I got it.

As I mentioned in the previous posts, I also really got to feeling like a pest. That really, really bothered me. In the end, I think that may have been a big component of me bailing on fb. I had a few woman who sent me messages every 3 months at best. From the outset with these ladies, it was an example of the "I never get on fb." I got that and for them, I understood. Would I have wanted to chat with them more? totally. Anyway, I am sad about a few of these ladies b/c I suspect I may never chat to them again. All in all, off the top of my head, I lost ...well, all of them actually. Well, there are one or two I see at work on occasion.  But in reality, they are all gone to me. Even the ones I see at work, I have no interest in pursuing the dynamic anymore because it was a waste of time. So, one of the ladies, who still has not noticed, chatted with me last week. It was standard co-worker crap. Boring, meaningless and devoid of any real content. But it is pointless for me to try to engage her. She will go on and on about her life and life events but when it comes to reciprocation...fuggedabowdit.

A funny thing has been telling the few that have noticed. It is an interesting process telling someone that their failure to make an effort in your relationship made you kill your fb page. I keep in generalities to soften the process but I make it clear that I "gave it up because I got sick of having to beg women to chat with me over and over." There have only been 2 or three ladies that have noted to me and it was interesting because they all wanted to try to make it sound like our dynamic would continue and I made it clear that it won't. They will say, "So, we will still keep in touch, won't we?" I respond with "well, I'll probably see you around I guess." Again, I'm not interested in making any one person feel badly. In fact, most of these women are ladies that I opened up to because I felt there were special and could accept me. But I'm also not interested in lying to be nice. The truth is 99% of the ladies I tried to interact with were shitty at reciprocating. I cannot tell you the amount of counseling and comforting and encouraging I did over and over. The compliments were sincere and I did it because I thought that is what my role should be. In return, I hoped for some effort to be made to be interested in me. Some did, at times, when I was really frustrated about how completely trapped I am, some were wonderful. But in the end I guess I was too much work or not worth the effort.

So where to now? Well, I still am a bit down about dressing up...I suspect it should take me a few more days before I get over the pity party and realize that I only have one short life and I need to do this while I can.

I will make that new fb page at some time in the next while...just not sure about when or what the new name should be. I have to figure out how to get rid of the Vanessa Vaughan on my google+ page as I do want to bury that name...of course that means I'm seeking a new or possibly old name. Regardless of what I do, I will employ the page for an entirely different purpose. NO Messaging. EVER. That ship sailed and sunk.

On a tranny positive note, I may have found a place to do my alterations. yay.