just because

So, I just feel like doing a blog b/c I don't want to do my other, less fabulous work right now. Plus I'm really sort of wrestling with Vanessa's direction right now. As I mentioned a few blogs back, I really would like to have some sort of job/official occupation for Vanessa to help legitimize her. Something that would enable me to feel that she is real and has a real role would really be meaningful for me. The maid thing is on the horizon. A while back the SO and I chatted about this issue and she said that once summer is done, I could do my maid thing at my house 1x every 2 weeks. I believe I have mentioned my concerns with this but there are a few. First of all, I already clean my house, so it feels less "real job" like to me. Also, I am worried that the SO will either treat me like me and not the maid, which will lessen the reality or that she will cancel at the last minute and leave me unable to do it. That being said, I am very optimistic that she might actually allow it as she does see the safety in having me dressed up at my place and not wandering all over in drag. Also, she does acknowledge the need for an outlet that is workable for my schedule and professional commitments. So, I can't wait to get this going. I'm hoping to build from it with regards to the SO. I want to use this as a platform for her to get to know Vanessa as a separate person. In doing so, I hope to allow her to see that the boi me and Vanessa really are quite distinct. This could hopefully allow her to get to know Vanessa as Vanessa and not as her male partner. If I haven't said I'm an optimist in the past...this should be a pretty obvious example of it. So, what if it fails...she doesn't allow me to be the maid b/c she treats me like me or she schedules something that makes it impossible for me. Well, this will create a need for another outlet, which will mean she will have to allow me to pursue other opportunities to be Vanessa on a regular basis.

Which brings up something that is bugging me...what could I do to be Vanessa on an official/regular basis???? Things I have considered are maid, my own secretary, busgirl at alternative club I love, housekeeper at big building, working in a beauty supply place, helping at burlesque shows, back up girl in drag show and I'm sure others that just aren't coming to me. To work through these...the maid thing is still quite doable and that is great. My own secretary is also doable but dressing up might be a bit tougher b/c of the SO potentially coming in. Still has potential though. Sadly both of these are the least official...unless I get to be a maid for someone other than the SO....that could still be on the table. I contacted the guy who runs club 23 and got no reply on my offer to be a busgirl so that died. I don't know of any other places I could do it...if I did, I'd check it out. The housekeeper thing is WAY to risky for getting caught and outed so it cannot be...sigh. Working at a beauty supply store is tantalizing but it would really have to only be part time and I'm pretty limited on my availability so...it's pretty unlikely...too bad b/c that might be a good opportunity and also, if I stayed far away from home, pretty safe. The burlesque show thing is kind of unlikely but it is the kind of thing I need to pursue and that would mean getting out to the shows and getting to know the girls and seeing if I could be a helper somehow...I'm not sure how it would work out. Most of the girls I have met thus far are super cool and the scene would most likely be quite positive. I suspect I'm going to do more field research in this in the fall. The drag show thing stems from my fb page. Every night I get on fb and see all the fabu queens at clubs, hanging out and looking so gorgeous and I think to myself, "why don't I have a groups of queens as friends and get out with them?" I have tried to get to know the local queens on fb and it has been pretty unsuccessful. Several of the girls won't add me and even when I ask a question of them about how they did a certain look or something, no response. So, if they are a bunch of snobs, then pursuing this one seems a bit fruitless (lol). That being said, I get on fb, see the photos and go, "I've got to do this!"

So, this is where I feel like a bit of a failure. I can't come up with other potential ideas. Ideally, the job would be relatively private or be in a place where open-minded people abound. A stock girl for a place would be great, cleaning up at a salon would be okay but the hours might be a challenge....I'm just sort of stuck with other ideas. I don't expect any suggestions here but if you could post it as a comment I'd be thrilled.

Office assistant and other stuff

So, in all my excitement about my big event 2 weeks ago, I have not mentioned the other developments in my life. I will try to recall them but I often forget a few and then have to blog again to mention those...so let's see here...

Well, the first one and the one that is actually proving to be really a ton of fun is the office I work at. As has been previously mentioned, I have a wonderful colleague who is completely unperturbed by my dressing. Honestly, she couldn't care less. She loves fashion and make-up as well, which makes her lots of fun. Anyway, I'm sure I've mentioned that she has set up times for me to dress up and help but if not...that is what I get to do. It has been wonderful to get all dressed and then be an assistant. It really appeals to the pleaser in me and the more I do it, the more I love it. So, I get to do filing and stuff like that while in dress, heels, hose, bra and, on the odd occasion, makeup! So much fun and totally appeals to my femmy-wanna-be side. Doing it reminds me of when I first got all dressed and did the maid work at my house...it just feels natural/right for me. The super cool thing about my colleague is she LOVES the helps so it is a win-win! Also, she recently has told 2 of her friends that 3 people work at the office with her. The boy me, her and her assistant, Vanessa (the girl me). In fact she said that there is a "girl who comes in to do the filing." That is so incredibly way hot for me. For her to do that without any prompting is just so fantastic. Oh and the reason I'm not her maid is that she currently lives in a basement suite. We were talking about what she would use me for as her maid and she said completely honestly that she would be having me serving champagne and appys for her guests. I told her I didn't believe it but she said that she has really cool friends.

I learned a valuable lesson with the SO being away and me having a tiny bit of time to do some dressing up. I have the one fabulous lady who lives 45 minutes away and she is so great about trying to get me dressed and over to her place for some cleaning. The issue with this situation is that I really do want to be her maid and I'm a big pleaser so, when she asks me if I could come over, I want to say yes or, at least, maybe. When the short amount of time that I had came open, I really did want to try to find a way to her place to do a tidy but it just became unworkable with my job and time limits. When I let her down, it was horrible for me, I hate disappointing people and especially someone as fantastic as her. What I learned from all of this is to make NO commitment unless completely certain I can do it. It pains me to say that I doubt I'll be available but this is much better than the letting down that I did.

I had another learning experience but not all together positive. There is a lady that I used to adore and I mean totally LOVE as a friend. She went through an affair with a married guy and even though the word was already out about it for months, I spoke to another woman about it and this, evidently, confirmed it. So, I betrayed her and it really was totally wrong of me to do that. I learned a valuable lesson from that as the cost was a really special friendship. After several months, I was able to reconnect with her but it is nothing like it once was. Anyway, she knows about Vanessa and I told her about the event. All that she did was make me feel guilty, like I was betraying my SO b/c she didn't know about the event. I assure you, the SO would not want to know anything about the event. So, after that discussion, I realized that I no longer want this woman in my world. I won't bother trying to chat with her on fb or seek her out if she is around.


So, what is on the horizon? Well, I've got a 4 week vacation coming up and won't be able to dress for the entire time...ug! But, I will be able to shop, yippeee!. Once the summer is over, the maid thing is either going to happen for the SO or...I'm going to do it elsewhere. And this is 100% full-on. I plan on continuing with my office assistant stuff and working to make it more official...having a scheduled time a couple of times a month might help. As always, I'll keep wearing nylons and panties under my work stuff and put on dresses when i can. I won't get into Vancouver in the next while b/c there are a bunch of events that bring several hundred thousand not open-minded people into the city. May get out to pride...maybe. I don't suspect I'll be getting together with the ladies again soon as they are all busy. Madonna concert maybe...my one darling friend that I wanted to come with me can't go because of a school commitment.

Life changing events

At The End Of The Night

So this blog is likely to be done in a few parts. Primarily because it is going to be really long and that is because it is about the biggest night of Vanessa's life. Up until now that very important label was attached to the first night I went to sincity at Club 23 and in some ways that may be a close rival to this evening but, in all honesty, I feel like last Wednesday was bigger. So what happened???

First of all the SO was going to be out of town for a family thing. This left me to all my trannyness for a couple of nights; Tues, Wed and Thurs, although I had to be out the door at 4:45 am on Friday so Thurs was a bit of a washout. Anyway, I knew of this well in advance and really began to wonder what I could do to make it special. One problem was that I had to work everyday so that put some limits on me. Plus I had to clean and sort out some house stuff that took time. Anyway, I have mentioned that I have come out as a tranny to a few very (supremely) special ladies over the last 2 years. What would have been the best case scenario for me was to do something wonderful for them. So....it just came to me that having a little soiree with appys and wine at my place would be fun. I asked the 3 girls what they thought and they were all able to come and thought it was a great idea. In the process of talking about it with them, I thought that it might be fun for them to wear false lashes if they haven't and also give them a chance to try on my wigs. I have about 20 now. They all seemed pretty excited about this. Now, this is really big for me, really big. Over the last 2 years I have gone out twice with women I know and I was in drag, but I have never been around a group of friends in drag. I cannot overemphasize just how much I have always dreamed of being able to be Vanessa with people I really like. To me, that was the ultimate goal of my tranny life, to allow myself to be who I REALLY am and hang out.

So then a few other things came up. I invited 2 other women who know about Vanessa and they were in. The other thing was I came out to 2 women who I really like and really wanted to attend. As I suspected, they were super cool and accepting. I have to admit that this was a pretty stressful thing for me b/c I have been betrayed so many times over my life that I almost expect it to happen. Anyway, so I got the appy's arranged, got a dessert, and all the stuff set up and then was ready for the big night. I was so nervous and anxious about the whole thing it dominated my thoughts for a few days before.

Eventually the big day arrived and I picked an outfit that I thought was a bit too dressy for the summery weather we have been having but I'm a girly girl when push comes to shove. So, a funny thing happened that almost ruined my chance to get ready. My cat went out and disappeared...I spent 1/2 an hour trying to find her and almost didn't have enough time to get ready. I had 45 minutes and it usually takes me about an hour. I got ready, got dressed and felt okay...not perfect but pretty good and it was 1 minute after the scheduled start time. Then I waited....5 minutes, 10 minutes and no-one. I was dying. The first guests arrived about 15 minutes late. One of the ladies who was one of the first guests is a woman who just absolutely knows how to say the very thing I am dying to hear. She sautered up and gave me a big hug and all was well. Oddly enough, I was so busy getting painted that I didn't have a chance to worry about the magnitude of the event that was to follow. The other guests arrived and we all got some bubbly and had appys for about 45 minutes. Then they all went to the bathroom and put on the false lashes. After this, we tried on wigs for about 1 hour. Eventually all the ladies sort of settled on a wig. After this we hung out and drank a bit more, chatted and then the ladies departed.

I tidied up and immediately noted that the dessert was sitting in the fridge still.

What I Looked Like Greeting The Guests

So, it is funny but a lot of the things that made the event so special to me were things that didn't happen. First and foremost, I didn't feel like a freak. I didn't ever notice someone looking at me like I was some sort of confusing puzzle. It felt just like a bunch of friends together chatting. Nobody seemed uncomfortable and it seemed like a lovely evening. Also, I didn't actually sit there the entire time thinking "OMG, I'm in a dress with people around eeeek!" Actually, other than my feet getting a bit sore, I didn't totally focus on the fact that I was a dress. That being said, I LOVED being in a dress and heels and painted. LOVED it.

I've got to sign off now b/c I've got work to do but I will try to blog more about this

One final note is just how special these ladies really are to me. I feel truly lucky to have met these amazing ladies and for them to accept me is beyond my wildest dreams.