Well folks, things are pretty quiet of late...I'm back in the bummed out.."poor me, I never get to dress up" mode again. But I did have a few things happen lately. Small but joyous nonetheless.
So, when I am not seeing clients, I try to get dressed up. This is usually dress, hose, heels, bra, falsies..I sit in a back office which prevents anybody from seeing me. The other day I was dressed up and my clients started showing up and so, I got changed. When I reached around to release my bra hooks, I reached with my left hand. Why this is so cool to me is, I have almost always reached back with my right hand which is the one that men generally use to unhook buttons or undo their clothing. So instead of my right/instinctively male hand...I have gotten "used to" or "trained" to reach back with my left hand. It was a totally unconscious movement, meaning that I wasn't thinking about which hand to reach with. I was super pleased by this...Even tho' it makes me very sad to take my cute grey dress off.
I had a client say something funny as well. We have been interacting for about 3 years and she is really cool. Anyway, we talk about fashion etc. yesterday she said that forever 21 has online shopping and it is up to larger sizes. Then she said, "and it is totally tranny wear." I didn't say anything at first and just talked about how cool that is and how the forever 21 stuff is so disposable. Just before she left, I asked her what was the tranny comment about and she just smiled and said..."oh you just never know." I do dream of having a day with clients where I am dressed....it is unlikely but I think I have about 5 or 6 now that would love it....well, we'll see.
Oh big bummer, I won't get to be a administrative assistant over christmas b/c the software won't be ready for me to do my stuff....bu-ummer!
I recently tried to order a housekeeping uniform online but the order form was all crazy and so I just gave up...I will try to do it by phone soon, although, when do I get to give it a test run? not sure...
and lastly, I really would love to be a bridesmaid. Interestingly, I don't think I'd really dig being up there in the row and being gawked at, but, the experience of being able to be a part of the brides day and preparations would be a true dream come true...Dress shopping, pedi/mani, hair styling, makeup...getting all dressed...wow...such a dream. I believe that, over the years I have had a few female friends that actually would have like to have me there with them but....the sad reality is that it just wouldn't fly with family or grooms. But it is such a great dream...Being a bride would be a blast as well but my SO would sooner gargle sewage than do a cross-dressed wedding thing.
Well, I may dress up this w/e but I'm so skeptical...it will probably be totally frozen and black ice on the roads...see? negative nelly or what?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
yet another update and profundity
In the last 2 weeks I've had one really positive experience about my tranny stuff and also had something come up that really has me thinking.
On a second note, I would love it if any of you wonderful readers felt inclined to leave a comment or send me a fb or flickr message about my blog. It just makes my little ol' world bright when I get know I'm reaching someone.
So, the things. Well the SO had recently purchased a workbench for a project she is working on. I noted it and asked her about it. Not too long after she advised me she knew what she was going to get me for christmas. I was a bit grumpy at that point and guessed "a sewing table." She was so pissed at me ... hooo mama...This not the first time I've guessed my gift fortunately, so it was just another goof up as opposed to a major offense. Anyway, I don't think I've mentioned it but I have been trying to get in to sewing for the last year or so. My motivation is primarily due to the fact that all the clothes I buy rarely fit all of me. My manly chest and shoulders limit my clothing amazingly. If I could alter my clothes...I'd be able to dress way better and have way more options. It is a great topic b/c so many women think it is perfectly fine and not even remotely "girly". So I can bond with these women and totally girltalk without any real discomfort for them. Anyway, all along with this process, I've been mentioning it to the SO and she has been luke warm at best. It ties into my fantasy of being feminized as well...part of being the perfect "wife." lol. So, when I smartened up and gave some thought to the gift, I was over the moon. First of all she was condoning me becoming a seamstress, which was a total surprise and great news. Second of all, here she is getting a masculine thing (work bench) and she is getting me a feminine thing. Hello role reversal...which is super hot! I did inform her how cool I thought all this is and she was her usual quiet self. I also confirmed that role reversal is hot but I don't want her to be a boi. She can have the boyish activities but I dig her femininity.
Also had a small opportunity to open up to her a little about my fantasy universe b/c of a little episode. We had something delivered UPS and we weren't home when it arrived so they dropped it with a neighbor. The neighbor came by to drop it off when I was vacuuming (in boi mode). She was surprised that I vacuumed as her boi does zero housework. She joking directed me to her house and I jokingly said that she could not afford me. Anyway, I mentioned to the SO that this particular event was the beginning of a fantasy for me. I mentioned that I had fantasized about her getting compliments about her "housekeeper" and then her realizing that she could rent me out and make some extra money by doing so. She even smiled at the "make extra money" comment. That was positive b/c usually I get a "I'd never ever do that." kind of comment. So that was cool.
The other topic I mentioned at the beginning is one that was provoked by a discussion with a colleague at work. One of the places I spend my time has a staff party every christmas and I never go. There are a lot of reasons for this but two main ones are the fact I never get to dress as I want and, much more profoundly, I don't feel anyone really likes the real me. So this nice lady, who is a good "work" friend was trying to convince me to go to the christmas party. She was telling me that everyone loves me and wants me to come. I told her, "they wouldn't like me if they knew the real me." Afterwards, I thought a lot about this discussion. It harkens back to when I was very small. I was in grade 3 and 4, so 8 and 9 years old and I was wearing tights under my pants. I remember sitting in class and thinking that I would be totally shunned if anyone knew I was wearing nylons under my pants. That sad reality has been mine forever. But this recent episode has got me wondering a few things. Firstly, would I really be totally shunned if I came out? Secondly, who is really to blame for my sense of isolation? I have chosen to take the "safer" route of staying in the closet and, as a consequence, I have never allowed people the opportunity to prove me wrong. Maybe I wouldn't be shunned or "kicked off the island." Perhaps people would actually surprise me.
Trouble is, there isn't a reverse button on the coming out thing and my SO would be compromised by it as well. Also, b/c I am so good at being stealth, I have heard the comments that are made about "alternative" people. Not pretty. But, there are times when I just would love to stop the charade and just celebrate my love of dressing up.
So, as for the immediate future, I am still optimistic that I'll get to be all secretarial over the holiday season as I will be here doing hours upon hours of office stuff. No impending maid things for a while, sadly. I am hoping to get to go to La Cage aux Folles in the city in drag soon...that would be a big deal but I'm up for it. I mean, it's la cage...'nuff said. Gotta get a snazzy outfit tho'.
On a second note, I would love it if any of you wonderful readers felt inclined to leave a comment or send me a fb or flickr message about my blog. It just makes my little ol' world bright when I get know I'm reaching someone.
So, the things. Well the SO had recently purchased a workbench for a project she is working on. I noted it and asked her about it. Not too long after she advised me she knew what she was going to get me for christmas. I was a bit grumpy at that point and guessed "a sewing table." She was so pissed at me ... hooo mama...This not the first time I've guessed my gift fortunately, so it was just another goof up as opposed to a major offense. Anyway, I don't think I've mentioned it but I have been trying to get in to sewing for the last year or so. My motivation is primarily due to the fact that all the clothes I buy rarely fit all of me. My manly chest and shoulders limit my clothing amazingly. If I could alter my clothes...I'd be able to dress way better and have way more options. It is a great topic b/c so many women think it is perfectly fine and not even remotely "girly". So I can bond with these women and totally girltalk without any real discomfort for them. Anyway, all along with this process, I've been mentioning it to the SO and she has been luke warm at best. It ties into my fantasy of being feminized as well...part of being the perfect "wife." lol. So, when I smartened up and gave some thought to the gift, I was over the moon. First of all she was condoning me becoming a seamstress, which was a total surprise and great news. Second of all, here she is getting a masculine thing (work bench) and she is getting me a feminine thing. Hello role reversal...which is super hot! I did inform her how cool I thought all this is and she was her usual quiet self. I also confirmed that role reversal is hot but I don't want her to be a boi. She can have the boyish activities but I dig her femininity.
Also had a small opportunity to open up to her a little about my fantasy universe b/c of a little episode. We had something delivered UPS and we weren't home when it arrived so they dropped it with a neighbor. The neighbor came by to drop it off when I was vacuuming (in boi mode). She was surprised that I vacuumed as her boi does zero housework. She joking directed me to her house and I jokingly said that she could not afford me. Anyway, I mentioned to the SO that this particular event was the beginning of a fantasy for me. I mentioned that I had fantasized about her getting compliments about her "housekeeper" and then her realizing that she could rent me out and make some extra money by doing so. She even smiled at the "make extra money" comment. That was positive b/c usually I get a "I'd never ever do that." kind of comment. So that was cool.
The other topic I mentioned at the beginning is one that was provoked by a discussion with a colleague at work. One of the places I spend my time has a staff party every christmas and I never go. There are a lot of reasons for this but two main ones are the fact I never get to dress as I want and, much more profoundly, I don't feel anyone really likes the real me. So this nice lady, who is a good "work" friend was trying to convince me to go to the christmas party. She was telling me that everyone loves me and wants me to come. I told her, "they wouldn't like me if they knew the real me." Afterwards, I thought a lot about this discussion. It harkens back to when I was very small. I was in grade 3 and 4, so 8 and 9 years old and I was wearing tights under my pants. I remember sitting in class and thinking that I would be totally shunned if anyone knew I was wearing nylons under my pants. That sad reality has been mine forever. But this recent episode has got me wondering a few things. Firstly, would I really be totally shunned if I came out? Secondly, who is really to blame for my sense of isolation? I have chosen to take the "safer" route of staying in the closet and, as a consequence, I have never allowed people the opportunity to prove me wrong. Maybe I wouldn't be shunned or "kicked off the island." Perhaps people would actually surprise me.
Trouble is, there isn't a reverse button on the coming out thing and my SO would be compromised by it as well. Also, b/c I am so good at being stealth, I have heard the comments that are made about "alternative" people. Not pretty. But, there are times when I just would love to stop the charade and just celebrate my love of dressing up.
So, as for the immediate future, I am still optimistic that I'll get to be all secretarial over the holiday season as I will be here doing hours upon hours of office stuff. No impending maid things for a while, sadly. I am hoping to get to go to La Cage aux Folles in the city in drag soon...that would be a big deal but I'm up for it. I mean, it's la cage...'nuff said. Gotta get a snazzy outfit tho'.
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