not much but....

Well folks, things are pretty quiet of late...I'm back in the bummed out.."poor me, I never get to dress up" mode again. But I did have a few things happen lately. Small but joyous nonetheless.

So, when I am not seeing clients, I try to get dressed up. This is usually dress, hose, heels, bra, falsies..I sit in a back office which prevents anybody from seeing me. The other day I was dressed up and my clients started showing up and so, I got changed. When I reached around to release my bra hooks, I reached with my left hand. Why this is so cool to me is, I have almost always reached back with my right hand which is the one that men generally use to unhook buttons or undo their clothing. So instead of my right/instinctively male hand...I have gotten "used to" or "trained" to reach back with my left hand. It was a totally unconscious movement, meaning that I wasn't thinking about which hand to reach with. I was super pleased by this...Even tho' it makes me very sad to take my cute grey dress off.

I had a client say something funny as well. We have been interacting for about 3 years and she is really cool. Anyway, we talk about fashion etc. yesterday she said that forever 21 has online shopping and it is up to larger sizes. Then she said, "and it is totally tranny wear." I didn't say anything at first and just talked about how cool that is and how the forever 21 stuff is so disposable. Just before she left, I asked her what was the tranny comment about and she just smiled and said..."oh you just never know." I do dream of having a day with clients where I am dressed....it is unlikely but I think I have about 5 or 6 now that would love it....well, we'll see.

Oh big bummer, I won't get to be a administrative assistant over christmas b/c the software won't be ready for me to do my stuff....bu-ummer!

I recently tried to order a housekeeping uniform online but the order form was all crazy and so I just gave up...I will try to do it by phone soon, although, when do I get to give it a test run? not sure...

and lastly, I really would love to be a bridesmaid. Interestingly, I don't think I'd really dig being up there in the row and being gawked at, but, the experience of being able to be a part of the brides day and preparations would be a true dream come true...Dress shopping, pedi/mani, hair styling, makeup...getting all dressed...wow...such a dream. I believe that, over the years I have had a few female friends that actually would have like to have me there with them but....the sad reality is that it just wouldn't fly with family or grooms. But it is such a great dream...Being a bride would be a blast as well but my SO would sooner gargle sewage than do a cross-dressed wedding thing.

Well, I may dress up this w/e but I'm so skeptical...it will probably be totally frozen and black ice on the roads...see? negative nelly or what?

yet another update and profundity

In the last 2 weeks I've had one really positive experience about my tranny stuff and also had something come up that really has me thinking.

On a second note, I would love it if any of you wonderful readers felt inclined to leave a comment or send me a fb or flickr message about my blog. It just makes my little ol' world bright when I get know I'm reaching someone.

So, the things. Well the SO had recently purchased a workbench for a project she is working on. I noted it and asked her about it. Not too long after she advised me she knew what she was going to get me for christmas. I was a bit grumpy at that point and guessed "a sewing table." She was so pissed at me ... hooo mama...This not the first time I've guessed my gift fortunately, so it was just another goof up as opposed to a major offense. Anyway, I don't think I've mentioned it but I have been trying to get in to sewing for the last year or so. My motivation is primarily due to the fact that all the clothes I buy rarely fit all of me. My manly chest and shoulders limit my clothing amazingly. If I could alter my clothes...I'd be able to dress way better and have way more options. It is a great topic b/c so many women think it is perfectly fine and not even remotely "girly". So I can bond with these women and totally girltalk without any real discomfort for them. Anyway, all along with this process, I've been mentioning it to the SO and she has been luke warm at best. It ties into my fantasy of being feminized as well...part of being the perfect "wife." lol. So, when I smartened up and gave some thought to the gift, I was over the moon. First of all she was condoning me becoming a seamstress, which was a total surprise and great news. Second of all, here she is getting a masculine thing (work bench) and she is getting me a feminine thing. Hello role reversal...which is super hot! I did inform her how cool I thought all this is and she was her usual quiet self. I also confirmed that role reversal is hot but I don't want her to be a boi. She can have the boyish activities but I dig her femininity.

Also had a small opportunity to open up to her a little about my fantasy universe b/c of a little episode. We had something delivered UPS and we weren't home when it arrived so they dropped it with a neighbor. The neighbor came by to drop it off when I was vacuuming (in boi mode). She was surprised that I vacuumed as her boi does zero housework. She joking  directed me to her house and I jokingly said that she could not afford me. Anyway, I mentioned to the SO that this particular event was the beginning of a fantasy for me. I mentioned that I had fantasized about her getting compliments about her "housekeeper" and then her realizing that she could rent me out and make some extra money by doing so. She even smiled at the "make extra money" comment. That was positive b/c usually I get a "I'd never ever do that." kind of comment. So that was cool.

The other topic I mentioned at the beginning is one that was provoked by a discussion with a colleague at work. One of the places I spend my time has a staff party every christmas and I never go. There are a lot of reasons for this but two main ones are the fact I never get to dress as I want and, much more profoundly, I don't feel anyone really likes the real me. So this nice lady, who is a good "work" friend was trying to convince me to go to the christmas party. She was telling me that everyone loves me and wants me to come. I told her, "they wouldn't like me if they knew the real me." Afterwards, I thought a lot about this discussion. It harkens back to when I was very small. I was in grade 3 and 4, so 8 and 9 years old and I was wearing tights under my pants. I remember sitting in class and thinking that I would be totally shunned if anyone knew I was wearing nylons under my pants. That sad reality has been mine forever. But this recent episode has got me wondering a few things. Firstly, would I really be totally shunned if I came out? Secondly, who is really to blame for my sense of isolation? I have chosen to take the "safer" route of staying in the closet and, as a consequence, I have never allowed people the opportunity to prove me wrong. Maybe I wouldn't be shunned or "kicked off the island." Perhaps people would actually surprise me.

Trouble is, there isn't a reverse button on the coming out thing and my SO would be compromised by it as well. Also, b/c I am so good at being stealth, I have heard the comments that are made about "alternative" people. Not pretty. But, there are times when I just would love to stop the charade and just celebrate my love of dressing up.

So, as for the immediate future, I am still optimistic that I'll get to be all secretarial over the holiday season as I will be here doing hours upon hours of office stuff. No impending maid things for a while, sadly. I am hoping to get to go to La Cage aux Folles in the city in drag soon...that would be a big deal but I'm up for it. I mean, it's la cage...'nuff said. Gotta get a snazzy outfit tho'.

progressions

Well gentle readers, I'm going to interrupt the friend blog for an update on the home front. So, since she had a cold and other things that make moods less happy, I was keeping pretty quiet about my dressing stuff around home. But the SO and I had had some discussions around the topic. The first was related to the fact that I am always thinking about dressing up and the other was related to the options to get me dressing more without being out until 4 am. The first issue was actually going pretty poorly. She got pretty grumpy at me when I was getting all pumped up about her doing some things that I perceived as "mistress of the house" type. It was just accidental that she had done stuff that looked that way and I caught her in the wrong mood for it. So we had another discussion and I brought up a few points. The first was, I reinforced how I want her to be able to be involved some way but not have her uncomfortable. The second was, I was doing this b/c it would make me so incredibly happy. The third was the fact that there are times when my dressing up is brought to the forefront of my thought b/c of cues. What do I do every morning? Get dressed...so...should I wear nylons today? That type of thing always gets me "on track" with tranny thoughts.

Anyway, she softened a bit when I brought up the fact that I would play along if she had something she wanted me to do but she doesn't and that I emphasized that it is b/c she is the most important person in my world and that her being involved would make me insanely happy. She said she was going to think about it and get back to me. I told her that I would be waiting with baited breath until she told me. So a few days later she advised me that one of her concerns was that she isn't wired to think like I want her to. She doesn't always think about how she could present something in a tranny way or pseudo-mistress of the house way. An example would be, her talking like she was in charge and that I was subservient. Like putting an empty coffee cup down and expecting it to be refilled. She just does not think this way. That was a very interesting point for me b/c it is asking someone to do something totally foreign to their way of thinking and I took that to heart.

So then something fun happened, I was going to have to go away from friday to sunday this last w/e but a situation arose that meant I couldn't go. I was also unable to go to the office b/c my computer died and so I couldn't just use friday as a paperwork day. I had booked friday off already. So I was totally hoping to get to do some maid work again. She said nothing...until just before she went to sleep (which means do not bug b/c she is tired). I had said, I don't know what to do tomorrow...ie shop or whatever. She responded with "you could be the maid here if you want." I said that I had been hoping she would say that.

so the next morning we got organized and she was out. I got shaved but then I called her to ask. I was curious about her mood first of all. Bad mood would mean bad attitude which would mean negative interaction and me being devastated. I have worked so hard to get to this point with her I really didn't want to risk a step backwards. So her mood was fine. Also, I was worried about her coming back home and actually seeing me. She made it clear that she has "gotten used to" seeing me and it is no big deal. Then she said the greatest thing I could have hoped for. When I was all worried about her being at home while I was being the maid she said, "it will be just like when the cleaning ladies were there. I'll stop in, say hi and then you get back to work." I could have died of joy. To me, this meant my dream could become a reality. That is the first step of her getting okay with the idea and to refer to me as a parallel to the cleaning ladies? Awesome!

So she texted me my list and I got all dressed up and got busy. 4 hours and the house was awesome. I was a little sad by her less than totally enthusiastic response to my work. I told her that I was really hoping to make her so happy that she would be totally into me doing it again. She did acknowledge that me doing the maid work was a good thing and that it was beneficial to her. I advised her that I want her to be motivated to have me be a maid. She didn't say things with the kind of tone or excitement I would have hoped for but I think the seed is planted. I think she probably will begin to get into the idea of having a housekeeper.

I also dared to ask her to help me pick a uniform for my housekeeping. I want something less frilly and dress-up and more basic. This ties into the fact that I am aiming go just be a maid, not some caricature or fake "just play" version of a maid. I see that as the most feminizing. The way I see it is dressing up in some costume is playing and as a real woman only does that as a joke or for fun. I want to feel that my dressing up is just part of my feminine existence, not some joke. So, if my outfit for day-to-day stuff is real, then I become a little more real...less of a clown or joke. This would apply to any outfit I wore...secretary or whatever. Not too say I don't love going all out and getting glammed up! On the contrary, that is fun as well, but for nightclubs or parties.

I have lots to talk about my work friend as well...I'll get to it soon!

it's the people

So, up until now I've kept pretty quiet about who I share Vanessa with but I think I want to chat about this a little. It is a bit difficult for me because it is obviously something that would make my SO be pretty freaked out. It would be next to impossible to make her understand why I need these friends and why I risk trusting them. For her it is all a big risk and when you don't get the incredible benefit, it makes no sense. But....one of the most special things for me is the opportunity to girltalk, girlbond and just be one of the girls. And, I have actually found some girls that are completely not concerned about my physical gender. They are pretty rare and the process of finding out often takes months and even years. I gently or playfully joke about girlstuff and watch their responses, then I figure a way to assess how they feel about boi's dressing and then take it further until I chance to share. Often they have pretty much guessed but it is always really scary for me. The other part of the process is evaluating whether these ladies can be trusted with a secret...any clue that they aren't good a keeping secrets and I simply never tell them. What none of them can appreciate is how special they are. They never see all the women that I don't tell...the thousands of them that don't meet the stringent criteria.

Now, I have a colleague that I work with a ton, who I told about 4 years ago. She was one of the first I told after moving out here and it was really scary at first. She is an incredibly cool person in the sense that she really (and I mean really ) doesn't care about what I wear. Most people who say they don't care, do still wrestle with seeing me in a dress. It is just such an odd sight to see that you can't help but be sort of perplexed by the image. I get it b/c I see myself in the mirror and think that way.

Anyway, the way I told her was sort of fun. Now, I am always talking about girl's clothes, make-up and the like. In doing so, I'm often "feeling out" people to get a sense of how they are about it. This lady LOVES shopping and shoes and so we bonded quickly on that. Also, she never cared one iota about the fact it was a boi looking at the heels with her. So...one time she and another lady were both wearing black heels and I joked that I was going to get some to match. She was not fazed, so I went out to value village and got a pair on my lunch break. Now, I consider it an omen that there was a perfect fitting pair at the value village that day....the gods wanted me to do this. Anyway, I wore them when I was at my desk for a "joke" for a few days. A bit later on I was worried it was getting weird for her so I stopped. Then she sensed that I was bummed about not wearing my heels and I opened up to her. Ultimately, she doesn't care about anything I do if it is not effecting her and my outfit has no effect on her. So, from this I have progressed to being able to share more with her than anyone else I've ever known.

This would be a good point to put in the disclaimer...She is married, not overly happily, but still married. I am taken. Also, I actually think she finds me as attractive as a street post. She is quite private about her preferences and if she has any kinks but I just know that I'm not the type of boi she would seek out. I think she is beautiful but I am devoted to the SO. Honestly, I couldn't see her and I as a couple b/c of how she interacts with me...generally, you can sense when someone is attracted to you and I totally don't get that vibe from her. It is actually a bit of a joke between us b/c I think the thought of her being with me might actually make her skin crawl. lol.

So the neat thing about her is she has that heaven-sent instinct to say the perfect thing without being prompted or asked or anything. The other thing is she is completely at ease with "taking advantage of the situation." Whereas my SO is totally opposed to "using" my dressing and submissive tendencies for her benefit, my work buddy thinks it is great. If she didn't have family at home, she'd have me as her maid in heartbeat. Also, any chance she gets to use me as an assistant, she takes it and loves it. What really makes her special and I mean, crazy special is her reactions. She has said so many things over the years that would be right out of my greatest dream. That being said, she is also extremely careful about my dressing and very private. Several instances of her awesomeness come to mind, with a recent one being her having me do paperwork. Now, when I do some paperwork, it is in a little hidden space that is blocked from the public. It isn't in a separate room but it is hidden by the walls. Oh, I almost forgot that reason she lets me be her assistant is b/c she knows how much I enjoy it. She knows how much it means to me as we have discussed my home situation lots over the years. And times when I have been really down about my situation, she has come up with opportunities to dress up at work and been very encouraging. She has a wonderful heart hidden in a demanding chest...perfection.

So over the last few weeks I had been grumbling about being able to get dressed so, when I came in on Monday, she had a list of duties for me to do! How cool was that...then b/c I had some other stuff come up I couldn't get completely painted. I was also kind of grumbly about not getting done up the w/e before and my SO not being sympathetic so I did my work and then just got going on being her assistant in boi mode. She mentioned this and that it felt "wrong" to have me doing assistant work dressed as a boi. I tell you, that was amazing...in other words she felt it is right for me to wear a dress and heels!!!! Angels sing! So after my mood perked up, I put on my dress, nylons, heels, bra and falsies and got back to work. She is quite bossy and it is fantastic to be her assistant. Plus she's really funny and fun to chat with...just like girltalk while working. I did this for a while. Interestingly we had a person want to come to the office for something. She always locks the door when I am dressed up. So she asked me if I wanted to stay in the little space while the person came in. I was totally thrilled to do this and so the person came in and I was 6 feet (and 1 wall) away! It was really cool b/c it was a new, bolder step for her to do this.

The next opportunity I had was this week when my computer died. Since I couldn't work on my stuff, she put me to work on hers! The amazing thing she did this time was, since client were still coming in, I couldn't get fully dressed but she suggested that I could at least wear heels back in the hidden area. I was thrilled and then I realized that it would be crazy to wear heels with socks so I had to put on nylons. Amazing...then while I was working for her, she asked if I ever use a womens voice when I dress up. I said no but I thought it would be fun to try but I'm a little shy about that. Anyway, she said I should practice so I could do even more of her tasks...like the phone stuff...OMG...

One other really special moment for me was when she got me to make her coffee...it was clear that I was to do it for her and not for both of us...

Anyway, I feel truly lucky to have her as a friend. I'll chat about some other friends as well in time! cheers

a teeny bit to report

So, I have had some clarity of late on what my hopes are with respect to the dressing at home/work stuff. I'm also dying to talk with my SO about what I would like her to do to "play along." The maid at work game hasn't really progressed and I suspect it might be a few more weeks. I do think it will happen and I can't wait. The home maid thing is still pretty unlikely b/c of the cost of me being home instead of making money is still quite relevant. I just can't drop every second friday of work without impacting my wealth not inconsequentially. But, I did have a chance to think about it and what I figure I'd like to do is have my SO help pick out my maid dress for work and also hair colour for the maid. That seems pretty innocuous and I just have to let her know what it would mean to me. The home thing was also on my thoughts as I was hoping she would also be picking the uniform for home and hair colour for home. In my idealized outcome, she does that and she lets me do the home maid thing. Now, it is clear that it would be best for her to not be around when I do the maid thing b/c I'm sure she wouldn't want to see me dressed up. So, she starts getting away during that time. Now from here I've got two sort of dream outcomes. In both, she digs having someone do the maid work and, as a consequence, continues to allow and eventually expect or encourage the maid work. Her attitude would move from reluctantly allowing me do it, to getting more comfortable with the idea and then liking the idea. With this progression, hopefully, she would actually want to have me doing this b/c it spares her from it. As a consequence of this, at some point in the future, I would love it if, she was put out if I didn't do it one time b/c of another obligation and made sure that I did a make-up cleaning. So, that would be so amazing for me. What it would mean is she has totally become cool with me as the maid. The other way the scenario plays out involves her getting totally used to the idea and having someone she trusted compliment her cleaning lady. Of course, they would need one and ask her if hers was available. And she would! Now this is next to impossible b/c of what she is like but I can dream. I think the theme in both of these is the fact that I would like her to see Vanessa as her maid and not her partner in a dress. I would like her to see Vanessa as a reasonable likeness of a female/woman.

I don't think I mentioned that there is going to be a ton of secretarial office work to do over christmas holidays. Now, somebody has to do it. My colleague is not interested and I mentioned that I would do it to my SO and she was fine with that. So, I get to be a secretary for a week. I'm going to dress up each day! Just need to put together some outfits. Fun! and, get this, it will save a few thousand dollars so...as you have read before, here is that benefit of me dressing up thing! yay!

So that is about it for right now...should hopefully be getting out this sat, if not I'll dress up regardless.

Almost forgot, that when it looked like we were moving, I mentioned that I was sad b/c there is a room in our place which would be perfect for sewing. So when the deal fell apart, I said "that's it, I'm getting my sewing room." and she said "sure, if that's what you want to do." Yeeha!

slow going but progress

Well, after all the adventure of the last few posts, this will seem positively sedate but I hope the positive direction/trajectory is apparent. So, since the last post things have been quiet. I should be blabbing about going out on Halloween but a horrible cold prevented that. Also, I was not totally into it. Firstly, b/c halloween costuming is often ghoulish or macabre which really isn't my bag. And, I dress up anyway, so the novelty is somewhat lost. But I did miss a chance to hang out with my absolute 2 fave girls in the entire universe. I love them so much and it really was a get big hairy bummer that I didn't get to see them. Alas, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

So, I figure I've got 3 pseudo-agendas with my dressing up. One is the Club 23/downtown scene, the maid work stuff and third, most important and most difficult, is trying to get my SO to be a part of my dressing or to get her to take some charge of the dressing stuff.

The downtown scene is actually pretty great. Club 23 is awesome and Isaac and Trish have created at totally awesome scene to be a part of. I feel quite welcome there and I can wear whatever I want. There are only 2 things that make this a bit of a challenge. One is the late nights, which, with my profession, can be a toughie. The other is parking and getting to the club, which is a bit dodgy, especially if there is a thug event downtown. But, all-in-all, these events have changed my life. I'm hoping to go this Saturday as well....yay! As far as the downtown getting out stuff goes, there is la cage aux folles coming and I'm hoping to go there in drag as well. Seems appropriate to me and should be pretty safe! Just need somebody who wants to come with me...we'll see.

The maid work stuff and the SO stuff are intimately tied for now as my ability to be a maid requires time away. This one still has some very exciting imminent potential. I am still planning on becoming the office maid but there is a couple of challenges. First of all, is the time commitment, with my hectic schedule, taking 3 hours a week to work will not be inconsequential. Another challenge is how to let the current cleaner go and also what is the excuse. I'm not certain on this one. Most important is clarifying whether this is okay with the SO. She seems pretty okay with it but it isn't real just yet, so, she might change her opinion as it becomes real. The main issue for her will be the time away. It is otherwise a pretty safe outlet.

Also, along the maid lines, we have talked about downsizing our place to create more financial freedom. This would enable more play time and less need to work. So...we recently found a place that looked like it might actually be worth putting an offer in on. We were discussing the benefits of the move and she mentioned that I could take every second friday off and be the house maid, while she toodles off into the city and shops. She was actually making a joke b/c the kind of woman who just goes off to the city and shops while her housekeeper slaves away is really not the kind of woman we like. By saying this, she was sort of pretending to have fun. But my response was one of total enthusiasm. She was kind of surprised and made it clear that she was not serious about taking off to go shopping. I clarified that I got the joke but the thought of being the maid at home for her 2x a month was absolutely dreamy. And the thought of her being the type of woman who would just go off and do as she pleases was crazy hot. Primarily b/c I would love to be her maid and love her to celebrate her superiority in this dynamic. Of course, that isn't reality but I keep trying to encourage it. Ultimately, she did the math and it is painfully obvious that me being the maid would save some money, as we previously had housekeepers, but me working is way more financially savvy. But, if my work was to slow down (which it does at times) and get back to normal levels (I'm currently really busy) it would be pretty simple for me to work one day every 2 weeks as a maid. The key would be her being cool with it and I think I am getting there. She really does seem to get that I would LOVE to do it and that it isn't taking advantage of me or being a bad partner but quite the opposite.

once you hit the bottom, push off and up you go

Well, gentle reader, I felt it is important to update you all on what has transpired since the last, incredibly sad, blog I posted. After all the craziness that lead to that, I was left incredibly sad and despondent. I had many people asking me what was up or wrong. I brushed them all off as it is often impossible to describe my difficulties without disclosing that it all relates to my dressing up. This is one of the biggest difficulties for both me and my SO, how does one get feedback or advice when it revolves around a very private matter. Especially when the privacy of the matter is one of the biggest issues. Tough to do.

Anyway, my disconsolate mood was noted by my SO and last Wednesday, she cornered me. I was reluctant to talk at first and tried the soft lie approach. I'm tired/stressed with work shtick...but it was crystal clear to her that I was hiding the truth. Then I decided that I would express my frustration. Interestingly enough I was very emotional, which is really not my style. But I think this actually help to convince her of the profundity of my frustration and sadness. Ultimately, I made it clear that I was upset that she didn't trust me but on the other hand, I totally understood her insecurity. I also made it abundantly clear that what I wanted more than anything in the world was her to be a part of my dressing up and that I had no answers for how to get her involved. This was the time that I was most able to express my exasperation. My joy is so strongly tied to her joy and pleasing her. Yet, here is the thing that gives me unbelievable joy and it gives her such grief....Anyway, she heard me out and advised me that she was just feeling insecure due to the phone history deletion. We discussed the problem of her not wanting to know anything but not wanting to feel totally vulnerable. She said that I should not delete my phone history, which is fine with me. The computer stuff was not resolved per se but she was going to consider how much she felt she could handle knowing. I did acknowledge that I did communicate with other women on the web via fb. This was okay with her but she wanted to give the topic a rest and then decide where she would like to go with it. My only concern with this issue is her being alarmed at how many girls know about Vanessa. This is a tough issue for me as well b/c I have had my trust betrayed so many times but on the other hand I so value the great friends, it makes the sacrifice worth it. On the other hand, if my SO was willing to be involved, I would not be seeking someone to interact with on a regular basis. That being said, I would definitely still enjoy the fun of discussing make-up, shoes, etc with other girls b/c that is so much fun. Just less than currently.

So after that we have been a lot better b/c of the resolutions from the phone and web stuff. It is important to realize that in our day to day life, my dressing up is best not brought up and so after the discussion, I knew it would be best to just be quiet about it. And I was. Which brings me to 2 things that have happened in the last while. One thing is that she bought me a pair of halloween tights when she went to buy some halloween stuff. I noted them in my drawer the day she did it. Now, she has bought me the odd thing in the past spontaneously and so I didn't go crazy but in light of the recent stresses that have resulted from the dressing up issue, I was so pleased. I didn't mention it until last night when I wanted tell her that I was so happy about her doing that. Again, I cannot emphasize enough the scared look she gets at times when I bring up anything to do with the topic of me dressing. I also mentioned to her that I was trying to come up with ways for me to dress up that result in her being indirectly involved and it also being a positive for her. When I was the maid for the w/e she was away, it was a perfect example of this b/c I did a BUNCH of stuff that was quite onerous and that meant she got to make me happy and also get a benefit.

This brings up a very curious issue regarding me and my dressing up. As I mentioned in a previous blog there is a very strong component of being put into situations where I have to dress up. And from this the maid scenarios are powerful fantasies. Now, ideally, the person putting me into this situation and benefiting from it would be my SO. What is interesting about this fantasy is how it means that I would be most happy to do things that would normally be no fun. This is something that can create a challenging conflict. My SO loves me and is a respectful, kind partner. It completely goes against her nature to "manipulate" any scenario to a selfish means. Simply put, she would never want to take advantage of me for a selfish gain. Well, that is exactly what I would want done except that it, absolutely, must include me being dressed up. So, I really wanted to do an awesome job as a maid to get her thinking, "hey, if I get her doing all the crappy duties, then I won't have to." The hopeful consequence of this would be her wanting me to be a maid more. But, she is totally unselfish and so it is highly unlikely that this will happen. Anyway, I did bring this topic up to her and she did her usual, quiet listening. She explained how she would never do anything to manipulate me and I advised her that I trust that she would never do anything selfish that was wholly self-serving and to my detriment. In other words, I am confident that if (and hopefully, when) she did play along with this fantasy, it would be in the best interests of us both. Anyway, the impression I got from her during this discussion was one of a clear understanding. She seemed to get that pleasing her is a major component of my fantasy world and didn't completely dismiss the concept. Which ties into the last topic we spoke about last night.

When we spoke last night, I was very cautious to avoid being to crazy/enthused about the topic and kept the talking to a minimum. I thanked her for the halloween tights and advised her of how much it meant to me and why it was special. I advised her that I was trying hard to come up with suggestions that would allow her to be a part of it without making her uncomfy or unhappy. Then I mentioned a story I read on magsinc which is a website that has tranny stories on it. I love the reluctant press, which is a publisher that has little mini tranny stories on it. I review it regularly and when I find one that is to my taste, I buy it. Usually, I am disappointed by the stories b/c the preview doesn't always give you a clear idea of what will happen and they often end up being not my cup of tea. But, the latest one was really quite good. A guy, wants to be a maid, wife digs it, he ends up being a maid at the office she works at. Story 2 was a guy, is already wife's maid, she goes to conference and loans him to a friend and it goes great. Nothing to pervy, really just a tranny maid being a maid. So, I mentioned this story to my SO and I know she gets sort of worried that this is leading to uncomfy places, so I backed off. But before I did, I mentioned that I could technically take over being the maid and cleaning at the office I work at b/c it is only me and one other employee. The cleaners come on the weekend, when no-one is here and it would be a locked place, no chance of discovery b/c no-one has keys except me, the other employee and the cleaners. Her response was, "well, that would save $150 a month." Now I have to say, that there is some problem with this plan and the obvious issue is it would take me, probably 4 hours in total each week...that might be too much time away...But the neat thing was, she said, "well, see how often they are there for." Also, the thing that made me so incredibly happy was her initial response. Instead of it being about the fear of discovery or anything, it was a mildly selfish comment about saving money. Not a comment regarding how crazy it is for me to be a cleaner/maid, not a comment about how my time is worth so much more than that...so that is amazing to me. That is exactly the thought process I would want from her. Vanessa as a mechanism to make her world better. As I mentioned though, there is logistic issues that I will need to address but this has potential it a big way.

one step forward, 2 steps back

So, here is the harsh reality blog to compliment the euphoric blog that preceded it.

After the wonderful w/e that I had, the weekend before last, I was trying very hard to stay "cool" about the events. Regardless, I did share with my significant other (SO) some of the things that I felt. One of these things was the way that I was surprised that I still was eager to dress up on the Monday. Well, that got spun in a direction I should have seen coming when I told her. Her take on it was that I didn't know how much I wanted to dress up, ie. I wanted to dress up more than even I was aware of. From this she can feel that I "need" something she can't supply or be. That was the Wednesday after the w/e. I felt somewhat defeated and very saddened by this. It really frustrates me to have her feel this. Now, she isn't irrational in her thoughts but it needs to be clarified that the way I feel is that I've got this amazing person in my life and adore her. I would love it if she was a part of my dressing but I don't "NEED" her to be...I want her to but not need. So her response to my comments about my w/e were deflating in the least.

Then things got really depressing. The next night we had a discussion that was prompted by me mentioning I had looked at the history on her browser. She wasn't so worried about that but it brought up that I always delete my history and also had deleted the history on my phone. The deleting my browser history has been standard protocol for years. The phone thing was due to the going out on the w/e. Now, before I get more into the details, I want to clarify that I am 100% faithful. She could ride on my shoulders and would never see anything that was inappropriate or could be construed as unfaithful. I'm super proud of this b/c it represents a maturity I've always wanted to achieve. I am this way because I value her and I refuse to be tempted. Anyway, she brought up the phone and web. I addressed the web by bringing up a critical issue, which is, the "how much do you want to know about my tranny life?" question. This harkens back to when we decided on how we were going to work out our issue. As far as she was concerned, it became a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic. I would never bring up the issue and neither did she. As a consequence of this, I made sure that web browser was attended to, so she wouldn't log on and end up seeing tranny stuff. So, I brought this up. Then we talked about the phone. This issue is identical. If she sees my phone has numbers on it from when she was away or I was out in drag, (and you can bet she'd look for it), this would concern her. Since I am so faithful this is where I get angry. One of the most difficult issues for me and getting out dressed up is the fact that I'm forced to walk from parking to the club. That is usually 2-3 blocks on relatively busy downtown streets, passing many, many people on the way. I feel horribly vulnerable. It has precluded me getting out many times when there have been events downtown and I am feeling like there would be just too much risk. For instance, if there is a UFC event then the demographic of the population downtown is not safe for me to be out there solo. I mentioned this to my gfs and they said that I should call them when I get to the parking, and they could come to meet me and walk with me. Aaaahhh but then there is a number on the phone and then what? Well, that's the issue. Now, if I'm planning on going out and actually calling someone, the same situation arises.

Her primary concern is feeling vulnerable and whether she is actually setting herself up to be cheated on, or allowing something to go on and actually being taken advantage of.

I understand her concerns, I respect that they are valid. So, what to do? Well, I've given up my nighttime tranny surfing...after she went to bed, I usually would tranny surf for about 1/2-1 1/2 hours. I am very sad about this as it is a loss of one of the total highlights of my day. Gone...and as a consequence, Vanessa has diminished greatly, since more of her life was through social networking. But this addresses the web history issue. My phone...I want to throw it out. I guess I just have to risk a beating and not make any plans to keep her contented. This way, I'll have no phone numbers she would be bothered by. But it means I'm not able to communicate with the girls in my tranny life.

but I am sad, very sad...I feel stuck b/c she doesn't want to know but also can't deal with the trusting...so I'm stuck....

the other consequence of all of this is my loss of joy in the dressing up world. It is so tied to such negativity right now, I'm super down on it. sucks so much.

oh, we're off and on our way!

Well, well, well, so much to say...After the fabulous w/e 2 weeks ago I thought I'd be back closeted for some time but fate smiled on me. Since thanksgiving was coming things sort of unfolded in a beneficial way for me and it made for an awesome, landmark-event kind of w/e. As always, a little back story.

I am involved with a woman who is perfect for me in every way except for one. She hates my crossdressing. Not a vague dislike but hate. She knew I do this when we started but, at that time, it really only consisted of me wearing the odd pair of nylons beneath my clothes. Coincidentally, as our relationship grew, so did the nature of my crossdressing. I began to see signs of concern when I was wearing nail polish in public. This seemed to be a tipping point for her. Also and tragically, because she is so special to me, she is the person I want most to be a part of my femme life. In my perfect universe we would go on shopping trips, go out to dinner with me dressed up. Unfortunately, as I tried to put all that in play, it pushed her beyond her breaking point and she laid it on the line that she hated it. We spent significant time deciding how to proceed. Here was this perfect union but there was this big flaw. We knew it seemed ridiculous to break up over it yet, it really was (is) a big deal. We did a lot of talking and counseling and it was an interesting process. For her, it was just a small part of me that she couldn't accept. For me, it was the thing that defined me and gave me so much joy so, her not accepting it meant reject almost all of me. So, we decided that she would have NOTHING to do with it but it also meant that she had to trust me....which was not super easy for her to do since she had been cheated on by an ex-bf. Then life got really busy for me and my opportunities were quite few.

but then, I got control of my schedule and started getting going on my make-up. The make-up thing was always the limiting step on me getting out. I didn't feel comfy being out in a skirt and tights and in boi mode. So, I finally got determined to make myself as good as I could in make-up and when it started to come together, I was ready to venture out. This was really my goal forever. To just go out as a girl and to enjoy the thrill of dressing up and making up. So then, I went out with a group that I had known of forever on yahoo groups, the girls night out. It wasn't what I was looking for but one of the girls was going to Sin City after and I was dying to go there as well. I tagged along and WOW...life changing moment. I had found a place to go that suited me to a tee! The place was full of people (mostly girls) just like me...lovers of dressing up!

So, when I got the time, I went to Sincity. This varied greatly, in that, I may go 2 times in one month and then not for 4 to 5 months. But this was my outlet, and it was acceptable to my significant other (SO).

Now this is where it gets a bit curious, over all this time 2 things have happened. Firstly, I have continued to dream of her being a part of this. Secondly, since she won't be my gf, I have sought them out.

So, since I have always wanted her to be a part of things it has lead to some really difficult times. Her initial concern was that I wanted to be a woman (never, I love being a man in the bedroom and I truly think men are so gross) and so any push to dressing up would make her worry about this. I think she realizes that this isn't true now but the issue is her utter disgust at me being dressed up. She simply thinks it is such a turn off.

Back to this w/e...so, I have wanted to be a maid since I was 12. It remains one of my most powerful fantasies. So, since she was going to be away, I brought up my dressing up to her. Now, she knows that I'm going to dress up while she is away and doesn't mind this. But I had a thought/dream/fantasy and I decided to try to risk sharing it with her. I told her that it would be a dream come true if she was to leave me instructions for the w/e along the lines of "dress up and do these duties." That's it...she wouldn't have to see a thing but I needed to know she actually wanted me to do it as a girl or no deal. Anyway, the discussion went quite poorly and I accepted that this was just the way things were going to be. No change in things. Her point was, she thought that this particular offer was fine but where would it lead. She has repeatedly tried to do/say something nice about my dressing and then have me push her way passed what she could deal with b/c I misinterpret her. Regardless, I was stoked about getting to dress up, so I just moved on.

Then I was able to co-ordinate going out to Club 23 with a friend and that was just so cool. The club was pretty quiet but we danced and it was like 2 weeks ago where I was just a girl going out with another girl. Super cool thing was the fact that my gf let me do her brow with a pencil....It really meant a ton to be asked to help with someones make-up. Just another of those feminizing moments I crave. I was pretty satisfied with my make-up and my outfit was tame b/c I wasn't sure that she would groove to club 23 and, therefore, I dressed less fetish and more appropriate for a gay club if necessary. We were just like 2 girls out having a night of dancing. Wonderful. Also, I picked her up at her place, which meant actually getting out of the car and walking to her house...eeeek.

Then, when I got home and got all cleaned and finished surfing the web for a bit, I pulled up my pillow and there was a letter. It said Vanessa's (my real name was here) list of weekend chores: 1) Please get dressed up and: 5 things were on the list...3 were stated as direct instructions and 2 were "if you feel inclined". The last thing it said was Have Fun. I could have died! I couldn't believe it! Before she had left, she was kind of grumpy but as she was leaving she actually said I was to do so vacuuming upstairs. That seemed odd at the time and I was thinking, "no dress up? no clean up!" except my usual tidiness. In light of this letter, I was even more thrilled b/c if she is in a bad mood, she is usually even less accepting of my dressing up. This time, she actually encouraged it and the way it was said was like someone discussing a servant. You'll do the upstairs...sort of comment. So, there I was.

One of my issues with cleaning my own place is the fact that I do it as a boy...so it has always detracted from the fantasy. But this was different b/c I was being instructed. Also, I've often wondered, if I actually got to be a maid, would it suck after a while. Would the work turn me off the experience. So, on Sunday I got up, did a little running around, worked out, ate a very late lunch, I painted my nails a very feminine hot pink begetting my occupation. Then I got to live my dream. This was quite powerful for me. Would I like it? Am I actually a big faker or do I actually want to be a maid? b/c I could have easily just cleaned in boi mode but...I didn't. I got made (maid) up and got dressed in my maid uniform (plus apron, collar, hair thingie, wrist cuffs, black hose, bra, 4"heels). When I looked in the mirror, my heart skipped a beat and I thought, "this is my fate, this is what I'm meant to be." Whoa...so then I got to work. I worked for about 3 hours and then it was getting late (plus I was tired from the night before). I got all cleaned up and went to sleep. Funny thing...I wear silicone falsies and when I was working they got sweaty and kept falling out of my bra!

Now here is where it got really profound for me. I fully expected to not dress up on Monday. She was heading back so it would mean that I would have to get up and get cracking on getting painted and get to work. Plus I wanted to make an awesome dinner to thank her and I needed to get the food for this. So, on Sunday night I actually removed my nail polish, thinking that I was done with the dressing. I woke up a bit early on Monday. Not to be gross or too graphic but it is relevant that I satisfied myself in the am. This is very important b/c when I do that, I'm almost guaranteed to not dress up as it sort of deflates my drive a bit. So, I figured that I'd not dress up, so it didn't matter. Now, this is where things really got super powerful for me...Instead of chilling and just doing a little more, I actually wanted to dress up again. FYI, this means 1 hour minimum to get painted. But I did! I couldn't wait to do it. And it wasn't put on or me trying to be something. I just wanted to do it. And I did. Same as the night before except with a blonde wig. I worked so hard to get the list done and I did plus made prime rib with fabu veggies, salad, potatoes....Awesome! I was so happy!

Now here are some of my reflections on things from this w/e. I actually did like being a maid...really! and I did enjoy the work. One of the things I really loved was how I stopped reflecting on my outfit and make-up and just worked. Boy do I need practice with my ironing! Also, I am beginning to think that the maid fantasy is also tied to my need to please. I really was focused on trying to do an amazing job. Not only to please, which was super important but also....and this is more fantasy stuff, but I figure, she comes back and sees all this awesome work that has been done and it spurs something in her mind. Hopefully, it gets her thinking about how she could benefit from this and do it, not too satisfy my kinks but to spoil her a bit or a lot. I was able to convey how happy all of the maid work made me pretty well. She did want me to "be cool," so, I've got to not overdo it in the next while or she will get freaked out.

Well, I've gone on too long for one blog but I'm just so happy!

this weekend

Well, I'm all a-buzz with this week-ends events. I haven't really established myself here and so I need to do some background stuff. I'm a heavily closeted crossdresser/tranny who is in a relationship with an amazing person that totally does not dig my dressing up. I also have picked a very conservative career which also limits my ability to tap into my fem-side. If you haven't run away, I'll give a bit more detail as to my feminine side. I have been a tranny for as long as I can recall. Like most trans-folks, I am a complicated mish-mash of various quirks. Like most people, we trannies have similarities and differences. So, I know that my attraction to dressing up is composed of multiple aspects. First of all, I love women! Also, and maybe even more relevant, I find men gross (unless they look like a hot woman). Next, I love women's clothes and dressing in them. I love the feel and love how they look. Thus far I'm a pretty standard, run-of-the-mill tranny. Now, the things that separate me a bit are the fact that I am really into feminization. Which is to say, I'm into being coerced/tricked or whatever into dressing as a woman. I believe that this is a direct consequence of my guilt about being a tranny. My logic is as follows, if I am tricked/coerced into female clothing/roles, then it is not my fault and therefore I am not to blame for the crossdressing. Also, in an ideal situation, I'm being coerced by someone who actually digs me in drag. The appeal of this is obvious. What this means to me is any allusion or hint of any girl making feminizing comments is like candy. An example would be when I was driving the wrong way in a parkade and my gf said, "you even drive like a woman." Or a long time ago when a gf saw me in black nylons and said, "you've got great legs, you should wear nylons more often." The key with these is the spontaneous and honest nature of them, not a fake, scripted comment designed to tell me what I want to hear.

It also arises from this feminization fantasy that I crave female roles with associated costumes. For instance, maid...I have wanted to be a maid since I read an article if penthouse forum when I was 13. I have offered it multiple times but it has only happened for a 1 time go with one friend. Plus no make-up at that time as I didn't know how to look okay back then. Secretary is another dream option.

There is so much more but I've got a ton of work to do.

So, this weekend was amazing b/c I went out 2x and busted down a few major barriers in the process.

Friday night was big b/c I went to a not-specifically tranny/fetish event in drag. I went to an art show. Now to be honest the scene was still pretty alternative and I did ask the artist if me going in drag would be okay. But what it entailed was me getting dressed up and going out downtown to a place that was not going to be filled with other kinksters. It also meant, parking, walking to the event, and walking back, which, in drag, is a big deal. I felt very exposed but that was exhilarating. Also, the people at the show were gushing about my dress and then I met 2 girls and we chatted like I would have if I was just another girl....So cool.

Saturday night was even better b/c I had a friend who was dying to go to Sin City and so we actually finally got a chance to go. She had a friend who was super into the idea of going as well. So, she was going to borrow some fetish-y stuff from me and then go to her friends to get ready. Then I was to pick them up and off we'd go. So this is crazy hot for me for a few reasons. One, I'm going out in drag. Two, I'm going out with 2 super cool girls and I'm going as a girl, we were 3 girls going out to a club for dancing. Three, she was borrowing my stuff, which, if I am correct, is,the kind of things gfs do with each other. So, I was even more like one of the girls. So even before I got painted, I was in heaven. Also there is the little naughtiness of the fact that this girl knows the boi me and actually works with me, so there is a slight chance she could "out" me. Then, the actual evening was even better. Her gf was just freaking super cool. I truly got treated like just one of the girls. I was able to walk to and from the club without being noticed or worried. We danced like crazy and had a ball. It was totally a dream come true!!!!

well, I really gotta work now but I'm going to post more here as I'm really interested in sharing all this...

an open invite to chat

Hey people! I'm doing this blog for 2 reasons, 1 is to allow me to vent a little, and two is to get some interaction on tranny life.

So first of all, I'm going to give a bit of background on me. I'm a tranny...been one for as long as I can recall. I have memories of wanting to dress up for as long as my memories go back. I've been in the closet, to some extent, most of my life. By this, I mean that I've never been 100% open about my dressing up, ever. I am not a transexual. I have no desire to be a woman and don't think that I'm a woman in a man's body. My love of dressing up is powerful and dominates my conscious thoughts.

My tranny history is the relatively classic for an "in-closet" tranny except I have tried to open doors throughout my life several times. So, I've told lots of people in an effort to try to find people willing to encourage/accept my dressing but it has not gone well that often. There are two main themes that have dominated my failure to dress up as much as I would like. The first theme is that I am a pleaser and, as a consequence, I inevitably put others feelings ahead of my own, which means, I have never been inclined to make someone "put up" with my dressing up if there was any chance they might be uncomfy with it. Also, I have pursued a world that is almost the least tranny friendly. I have always had girlfriends/partners that are unaccepting and turned-off by my dressing up and my career is very traditional and conservative. Why would I date a woman that doesn't dig my dressing up? C'mon now, try to find a woman that digs their boy in nylons and is attracted to you and is attractive to you and you'll know what I mean. I do a lot of research on the topic of women and dating trannies b/c my career allows me to meet tons of people and get to know them rather well. As a consequence I usually fish around to whether a woman would date a tranny and the answer is almost uniformly NO! So, I have met some amazing women who made my life wonderful and gotten serious with them, and had to deal with the crossdressing variable. And this is one of the main reasons I'm so pent up about dressing.

I'm going to get back to work...erg another problem with  my dressing is that I'm so damn busy with my career that I don't have much time to get done up...but ironically, it does afford me the opportunity to buy whatever I want...so I can shop but I just can't get dressed.

I'll continue this thread soon as I feel a strong need to express my angst