what turns the crank

So, I have been spending a bit of time on tumblr of late and it is an interesting experience. I initially signed up b/c I was searching for images of women with strapons on. I did a search of strapons and saw that tumblr had a bunch of really cool photos and signed up. This actually creates more discussion, doesn't it? For instance, why on earth was I searching strapon photos...Well, it's L's fault. You see, L is one of my greatest loves. We met years and years ago and I was involved. It was one of those situations where one of us was always with another partner and so the timing just never worked out. We both have found wonderful partners but both know that we could have been very happy together. Anyway, back to the strapon thing...at some point in our friendship, I came out to her...actually I told her where I studied. I used to go to a very remote library and hide in a very hidden spot and then put on my stuff and study in skirt and tights etc. So, one time she showed up with me in a skirt and tights and cute shoes. She was cool with it. As our friendship became more open, she confessed that she would LOVE to do a boy wearing a strapon. I had never ever considered it and thought the idea of being screwed seemed a bit like gay sex. Prior to moving away from her, I did tease her about it a few times and in light of the fact that I am a pretty giving kind of partner, I would have let her do it if we were a couple. Years went by and I started to re-evaluate my opinion on women and strapons. I think it appeals to me for a few reasons. One reason is the fact that the "top" or "screwer" in the dynamic is invariably in a position of dominance/authority. Being dominated by a woman is a tantalizing notion to me but also having a woman assume a dominant role is very exciting to me. I don't know if I have emphasized it enough previously but transformation is something I really dig. Taking a person and helping them to find something in them and having them express it...so hot...ties into me...start out as regular dude, end up maid...etc. So, anyway, I have come to the conclusion, I love photos of women with strapons on but what has been interesting about tumblr is it shows you such a wide variety of photos, you start to understand what aspects of photos you like and what aspects you don't like. For me, I like strapon photos where the women are in a casual pose, like they are used to wearing the strapon or in a pose like they are embracing the "having a dick" pose...gripping it. I love it if the women are in nylons or stocking and a corset. I don't like it when the strapon is cartoonishly large...looks like an elephant's trunk. I don't like it when the strapon is being used on a male who looks like a male. I dig girl on girl strapon stuff a bit but like most lesbian stuff, it makes me feel like I would not be invited to that party and that tends to diminish the pleasure. I LOVE the few times you see a tranny that looks convincing and a dom-looking woman with a strapon...there are very few of these but those really are my fave. Trouble is, most of these are with trannies that are either ugly or look like dudes in a dress (leg hair - barf). There is another side of strapons that I have come to love...quite a good pun actually is the concept of what an insult to ones masculinity it could be and how they are the purview of women. Just like nylons, men never wear strapons, so to wear one is exceedingly feminizing. Also, there could be the element of not being man enough to please a woman without one.

so, that is just strapons...but searching through photos of strapons has really shown me that I really dislike any photos with men in them...

one set of photos that I like is any cute maid stuff. I have also learned I love "meme" with tranny themes. Again, the specifics are quite interesting. Some of the stuff I have realized. There is a bunch of relatively common stuff on these and I am really getting clearer on what I don't like. For instance, I really don't like when the submissive person is called names like "sissy faggot" and really anything that is mean. I also don't like any allusions to homosexuality for the submissive. While it is all too common to see this stuff on tumblr and around the web, I, and that is me and only my opinion, only find women attractive/arousing. Men are a turn-off, any reference to anything intimate with a man is a turn-off to me. Unfortunately, there is an enormous percent of stuff that ends up in this dynamic. The tranny stories that I search for often have portions of them that go that way and I just stop reading then. The meme's are disappointing as well. Another thing that I don't dig is any cock restraints....so much of the femdom stuff has this in it and it just is not my bag at all. I think it is great for those who have this as their deal and I understand the relevance but it just does zero for me.

One think I have known for years is that I am somewhat disgusted by anything that involves immediate family. I don't mean incest which is completely disgusting to me but even when a tranny story revolves around a mother feminizing their son...not only a turn-off but offensive to me. An aunt, stepmother...all fine but otherwise yuck. The list of things I find disgusting and inappropriate is large but I just keep this related to things that are common in tranny themed stuff.

Gotta say my fave fantasies are maid ones....Primarily a progressive one where I get the job and then the uniform progresses from t-shirt and shorts. The slow progression is the thrill. Ideally the uniform progression would be the mistresses wishes but I also think progressing slowly through my own way would be fun...making her more at ease in little steps. There are lots of options but an example of the steps would work like this...shorts and t-shirt...then an apron. At this point I'd like the arrangement to become a bit more "professional". The "how is it real" aspect which is VERY important to me is I know that I would have to be proven to be capable and likeable over a period of time before I could earn the trust/be wanted by my mistress. So, having hit that point, we can progress...so by becoming more professional, I would think a black t-shirt and black pants would be a starting point. This is a pretty standard housekeeper look currently. Plus an apron. The next step would be a yoga pant instead of boy pants. From this, probably move to a slightly longer t-shirt that was almost tunic length. Also, somewhere in the process, shoes need to be addressed. I would think that I would be barefoot or in socks for the first while. Usually the next step is either to leggings with the longer t-shirt. At this point it I like to think ballet flats would be the next step....so now I'm in a longer black top with leggings and ballet flats. Ideally, I would have been growing my hair along the way and so a ponytail and maybe a head scarf/head thing that maids wear. The transition into a dress is a tricky one. My most logical approach would be a weather-based reason...wearing nylons under leggings with the long black tunic "that must be hot dear, why don't you just get rid of the leggings and wear a longer top." Or, "I think this is more appropriate for the spring." and her having a black maid's dress for me to wear. That pretty much gets me to where I am thrilled. The next progression would be make-up and, oddly enough, that one is easy. The mistress, who loves having me as her maid, is planning on having people over or having some people around and feels that it would be simpler if I was made up as well. That way it isn't a boy in a maid uniform but just looks like a maid. Sigh....I have lived this fantasy over a million times and thrown in all kinds of variations on the theme. Ultimately, this is probably my most enduring fantasy...

at some point this will be a happy ending

so, it's been a while and that usually means I don't have much nice to write...well, that is true. In fact, over the last while I have taken a few steps way back. Not everything has been all bad so I will try to acknowledge some good stuff...

So, I'll get through the bad and move on to the good if I can...

A woman that I absolutely adored and was on her way to being nearly the absolutely coolest person I have ever gotten to know and I had been becoming closer. I cannot emphasize how cool she is...the rare kind of person that I felt I could talk honestly with and would accept me as Vanessa. In fact, I honestly believed that she prefers my Vanessa side to any other part of me. Anyway, she and I started doing "match days" and I would wear the same colour nylons/hose as she did. It was so cool and such a fun game. Anyway, we upped the ante one time and wore fishnets. I knew it was dodgy b/c they are so obvious but I waited until almost the end of the day and then changed for the last hour. Unfortunately, a woman who is way more uptight and narrow-minded than I would have thought noticed. She sort of blurted something out just as the noise in the room was up and nobody noticed. I was not too worried and went into damage-control mode...the usual methods...mention it might have been a dare or a bet or a joke. Usually works to soften the trauma to the loser involved. Anyway, I sort of thought things were dying down a few weeks later until another woman I really think is a nice lady, walked in and immediately walked over to me and lifted my pant leg. I was wearing socks that day, thankfully. She did announce that she heard I was wearing fishnets. I joked that I wasn't but could if she would like. hahaha...she goes away. Unfortunately, what this means is I'm no able to continue with the matchy match game which was so much fun. But what is way worse is the fact that I now have to be all careful for who knows how long. I had been wearing hose under my pants for a long time and love doing that...but alas, that is gone. Also, I need to pull back on femmy topics...With my career and the environment I work in, being a tranny is NOT COOL and so I need to distract the nosy fucks for a while until it is so far removed that people believe it was just a bet.

I don't think I can make it clear how painful that episode was for me because one needs to understand just how long I have dealt with circumstances like this....my first recollections go to about age7 and it has happened throughout my life since them. It brings back all the horrible things that make me feel like I'm a leper, that I am cursed and that I will never be accepted or part of the world...

Another thing that has happened over the last 6 months is the reminder/reinforcement that no matter how much I am liked, trannies are not allowed/invited in most things. If you have read this blog at all, you will know that I have been talking with a bunch of ladies over the last few years. They are a wonderful group and I honestly believe they genuinely care about me. So, over the last year there has been a baby shower, wedding shower and a few other events that have happened in the circle. I have not been invited to any of them, I have not even been told about them, only to find out after the events. One particular one really hurt me b/c it was organized by a woman I truly feel is amazing. Also, I am 100% certain that she almost loves me as a friend....when I found out after I was obviously hurt, she was also quite bothered/upset b/c she got a bunch of grief from people for not getting invited. She basically called me out on it by saying that I wouldn't have come anyway and there were kids and a few men present. She was right but what hurt me more was not being told...It set our friendship way back and I suspect it will warm up again but it was also a crystal clear message..."no trannies allowed."  She can't add me as a fb friend b/c of her in-laws...and she loves me, but it would create way too much shit for her...I get it. What this one example (and there are many more) has made clear to me is...I am completely wasting my time trying to be Vanessa in the "real world". Seriously, the world is too full of narrow-minded bigots for a "special" lady like me.

What has been made so clear for me is that I need to suck it up and go into town to hang out with kinksters like me and stop wasting my time with the regular folks.

The other thing is I have decided that dumping me b/c you have a new boyfriend/hubby means that I am NOT your friend. I get it but the ones that do this need to understand that cutting me off from any interaction except when we bump into each other at work means that we are DONE. I have invested so much in women who turn around and shut me out the second they meet a new man...I understand and respect that is what they feel is best for them but I'm not going to be your bff the second you see me and invest in you if you can't make any effort for me...

Interesting circumstance with the maid gig thing. The only close to real one is still too far away. She is more into the play side of it but I do believe she would have me clean her place if I could get there. One other lady who would be so much fun to do it for is having some troubles and has shut me out of her world almost completely. I'm really sad b/c of just how amazing I think she is but she is really not in a good place and doesn't want my comforting or anything to do with me it seems. And I had hoped to maybe get going with her this month!!!!...so sad. Alas, I hope she get through her stuff and gets better. Anyway, I did meet a super cool woman who runs a housekeeping business and she said she would hire me for some part-time work. I actually believe she would but the problem is she doesn't know I want to do it as Vanessa and, if I did dress even a bit femmy it could be a negative for her company...so the odds of it really happening are next to zero....and this is what kills me...so close but then snatched away... I have had a few other ladies offer to let me clean their place but they always suggest a boy outfit....butler, fireman, cop...which just kills it for me...sigh.

The SO and I did have a chat and she has been reminded (again) that I need to dress up more or I will be miserable.

so, I'm not in a great place right now but I hope this will keep me motivated to get out more