so, it's been a while and that usually means I don't have much nice to write...well, that is true. In fact, over the last while I have taken a few steps way back. Not everything has been all bad so I will try to acknowledge some good stuff...
So, I'll get through the bad and move on to the good if I can...
A woman that I absolutely adored and was on her way to being nearly the absolutely coolest person I have ever gotten to know and I had been becoming closer. I cannot emphasize how cool she is...the rare kind of person that I felt I could talk honestly with and would accept me as Vanessa. In fact, I honestly believed that she prefers my Vanessa side to any other part of me. Anyway, she and I started doing "match days" and I would wear the same colour nylons/hose as she did. It was so cool and such a fun game. Anyway, we upped the ante one time and wore fishnets. I knew it was dodgy b/c they are so obvious but I waited until almost the end of the day and then changed for the last hour. Unfortunately, a woman who is way more uptight and narrow-minded than I would have thought noticed. She sort of blurted something out just as the noise in the room was up and nobody noticed. I was not too worried and went into damage-control mode...the usual methods...mention it might have been a dare or a bet or a joke. Usually works to soften the trauma to the loser involved. Anyway, I sort of thought things were dying down a few weeks later until another woman I really think is a nice lady, walked in and immediately walked over to me and lifted my pant leg. I was wearing socks that day, thankfully. She did announce that she heard I was wearing fishnets. I joked that I wasn't but could if she would like. hahaha...she goes away. Unfortunately, what this means is I'm no able to continue with the matchy match game which was so much fun. But what is way worse is the fact that I now have to be all careful for who knows how long. I had been wearing hose under my pants for a long time and love doing that...but alas, that is gone. Also, I need to pull back on femmy topics...With my career and the environment I work in, being a tranny is NOT COOL and so I need to distract the nosy fucks for a while until it is so far removed that people believe it was just a bet.
I don't think I can make it clear how painful that episode was for me because one needs to understand just how long I have dealt with circumstances like this....my first recollections go to about age7 and it has happened throughout my life since them. It brings back all the horrible things that make me feel like I'm a leper, that I am cursed and that I will never be accepted or part of the world...
Another thing that has happened over the last 6 months is the reminder/reinforcement that no matter how much I am liked, trannies are not allowed/invited in most things. If you have read this blog at all, you will know that I have been talking with a bunch of ladies over the last few years. They are a wonderful group and I honestly believe they genuinely care about me. So, over the last year there has been a baby shower, wedding shower and a few other events that have happened in the circle. I have not been invited to any of them, I have not even been told about them, only to find out after the events. One particular one really hurt me b/c it was organized by a woman I truly feel is amazing. Also, I am 100% certain that she almost loves me as a friend....when I found out after I was obviously hurt, she was also quite bothered/upset b/c she got a bunch of grief from people for not getting invited. She basically called me out on it by saying that I wouldn't have come anyway and there were kids and a few men present. She was right but what hurt me more was not being told...It set our friendship way back and I suspect it will warm up again but it was also a crystal clear message..."no trannies allowed." She can't add me as a fb friend b/c of her in-laws...and she loves me, but it would create way too much shit for her...I get it. What this one example (and there are many more) has made clear to me is...I am completely wasting my time trying to be Vanessa in the "real world". Seriously, the world is too full of narrow-minded bigots for a "special" lady like me.
What has been made so clear for me is that I need to suck it up and go into town to hang out with kinksters like me and stop wasting my time with the regular folks.
The other thing is I have decided that dumping me b/c you have a new boyfriend/hubby means that I am NOT your friend. I get it but the ones that do this need to understand that cutting me off from any interaction except when we bump into each other at work means that we are DONE. I have invested so much in women who turn around and shut me out the second they meet a new man...I understand and respect that is what they feel is best for them but I'm not going to be your bff the second you see me and invest in you if you can't make any effort for me...
Interesting circumstance with the maid gig thing. The only close to real one is still too far away. She is more into the play side of it but I do believe she would have me clean her place if I could get there. One other lady who would be so much fun to do it for is having some troubles and has shut me out of her world almost completely. I'm really sad b/c of just how amazing I think she is but she is really not in a good place and doesn't want my comforting or anything to do with me it seems. And I had hoped to maybe get going with her this month!!!!...so sad. Alas, I hope she get through her stuff and gets better. Anyway, I did meet a super cool woman who runs a housekeeping business and she said she would hire me for some part-time work. I actually believe she would but the problem is she doesn't know I want to do it as Vanessa and, if I did dress even a bit femmy it could be a negative for her company...so the odds of it really happening are next to zero....and this is what kills me...so close but then snatched away... I have had a few other ladies offer to let me clean their place but they always suggest a boy outfit....butler, fireman, cop...which just kills it for me...sigh.
The SO and I did have a chat and she has been reminded (again) that I need to dress up more or I will be miserable.
so, I'm not in a great place right now but I hope this will keep me motivated to get out more
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