progressions

Well gentle readers, I'm going to interrupt the friend blog for an update on the home front. So, since she had a cold and other things that make moods less happy, I was keeping pretty quiet about my dressing stuff around home. But the SO and I had had some discussions around the topic. The first was related to the fact that I am always thinking about dressing up and the other was related to the options to get me dressing more without being out until 4 am. The first issue was actually going pretty poorly. She got pretty grumpy at me when I was getting all pumped up about her doing some things that I perceived as "mistress of the house" type. It was just accidental that she had done stuff that looked that way and I caught her in the wrong mood for it. So we had another discussion and I brought up a few points. The first was, I reinforced how I want her to be able to be involved some way but not have her uncomfortable. The second was, I was doing this b/c it would make me so incredibly happy. The third was the fact that there are times when my dressing up is brought to the forefront of my thought b/c of cues. What do I do every morning? Get dressed...so...should I wear nylons today? That type of thing always gets me "on track" with tranny thoughts.

Anyway, she softened a bit when I brought up the fact that I would play along if she had something she wanted me to do but she doesn't and that I emphasized that it is b/c she is the most important person in my world and that her being involved would make me insanely happy. She said she was going to think about it and get back to me. I told her that I would be waiting with baited breath until she told me. So a few days later she advised me that one of her concerns was that she isn't wired to think like I want her to. She doesn't always think about how she could present something in a tranny way or pseudo-mistress of the house way. An example would be, her talking like she was in charge and that I was subservient. Like putting an empty coffee cup down and expecting it to be refilled. She just does not think this way. That was a very interesting point for me b/c it is asking someone to do something totally foreign to their way of thinking and I took that to heart.

So then something fun happened, I was going to have to go away from friday to sunday this last w/e but a situation arose that meant I couldn't go. I was also unable to go to the office b/c my computer died and so I couldn't just use friday as a paperwork day. I had booked friday off already. So I was totally hoping to get to do some maid work again. She said nothing...until just before she went to sleep (which means do not bug b/c she is tired). I had said, I don't know what to do tomorrow...ie shop or whatever. She responded with "you could be the maid here if you want." I said that I had been hoping she would say that.

so the next morning we got organized and she was out. I got shaved but then I called her to ask. I was curious about her mood first of all. Bad mood would mean bad attitude which would mean negative interaction and me being devastated. I have worked so hard to get to this point with her I really didn't want to risk a step backwards. So her mood was fine. Also, I was worried about her coming back home and actually seeing me. She made it clear that she has "gotten used to" seeing me and it is no big deal. Then she said the greatest thing I could have hoped for. When I was all worried about her being at home while I was being the maid she said, "it will be just like when the cleaning ladies were there. I'll stop in, say hi and then you get back to work." I could have died of joy. To me, this meant my dream could become a reality. That is the first step of her getting okay with the idea and to refer to me as a parallel to the cleaning ladies? Awesome!

So she texted me my list and I got all dressed up and got busy. 4 hours and the house was awesome. I was a little sad by her less than totally enthusiastic response to my work. I told her that I was really hoping to make her so happy that she would be totally into me doing it again. She did acknowledge that me doing the maid work was a good thing and that it was beneficial to her. I advised her that I want her to be motivated to have me be a maid. She didn't say things with the kind of tone or excitement I would have hoped for but I think the seed is planted. I think she probably will begin to get into the idea of having a housekeeper.

I also dared to ask her to help me pick a uniform for my housekeeping. I want something less frilly and dress-up and more basic. This ties into the fact that I am aiming go just be a maid, not some caricature or fake "just play" version of a maid. I see that as the most feminizing. The way I see it is dressing up in some costume is playing and as a real woman only does that as a joke or for fun. I want to feel that my dressing up is just part of my feminine existence, not some joke. So, if my outfit for day-to-day stuff is real, then I become a little more real...less of a clown or joke. This would apply to any outfit I wore...secretary or whatever. Not too say I don't love going all out and getting glammed up! On the contrary, that is fun as well, but for nightclubs or parties.

I have lots to talk about my work friend as well...I'll get to it soon!

it's the people

So, up until now I've kept pretty quiet about who I share Vanessa with but I think I want to chat about this a little. It is a bit difficult for me because it is obviously something that would make my SO be pretty freaked out. It would be next to impossible to make her understand why I need these friends and why I risk trusting them. For her it is all a big risk and when you don't get the incredible benefit, it makes no sense. But....one of the most special things for me is the opportunity to girltalk, girlbond and just be one of the girls. And, I have actually found some girls that are completely not concerned about my physical gender. They are pretty rare and the process of finding out often takes months and even years. I gently or playfully joke about girlstuff and watch their responses, then I figure a way to assess how they feel about boi's dressing and then take it further until I chance to share. Often they have pretty much guessed but it is always really scary for me. The other part of the process is evaluating whether these ladies can be trusted with a secret...any clue that they aren't good a keeping secrets and I simply never tell them. What none of them can appreciate is how special they are. They never see all the women that I don't tell...the thousands of them that don't meet the stringent criteria.

Now, I have a colleague that I work with a ton, who I told about 4 years ago. She was one of the first I told after moving out here and it was really scary at first. She is an incredibly cool person in the sense that she really (and I mean really ) doesn't care about what I wear. Most people who say they don't care, do still wrestle with seeing me in a dress. It is just such an odd sight to see that you can't help but be sort of perplexed by the image. I get it b/c I see myself in the mirror and think that way.

Anyway, the way I told her was sort of fun. Now, I am always talking about girl's clothes, make-up and the like. In doing so, I'm often "feeling out" people to get a sense of how they are about it. This lady LOVES shopping and shoes and so we bonded quickly on that. Also, she never cared one iota about the fact it was a boi looking at the heels with her. So...one time she and another lady were both wearing black heels and I joked that I was going to get some to match. She was not fazed, so I went out to value village and got a pair on my lunch break. Now, I consider it an omen that there was a perfect fitting pair at the value village that day....the gods wanted me to do this. Anyway, I wore them when I was at my desk for a "joke" for a few days. A bit later on I was worried it was getting weird for her so I stopped. Then she sensed that I was bummed about not wearing my heels and I opened up to her. Ultimately, she doesn't care about anything I do if it is not effecting her and my outfit has no effect on her. So, from this I have progressed to being able to share more with her than anyone else I've ever known.

This would be a good point to put in the disclaimer...She is married, not overly happily, but still married. I am taken. Also, I actually think she finds me as attractive as a street post. She is quite private about her preferences and if she has any kinks but I just know that I'm not the type of boi she would seek out. I think she is beautiful but I am devoted to the SO. Honestly, I couldn't see her and I as a couple b/c of how she interacts with me...generally, you can sense when someone is attracted to you and I totally don't get that vibe from her. It is actually a bit of a joke between us b/c I think the thought of her being with me might actually make her skin crawl. lol.

So the neat thing about her is she has that heaven-sent instinct to say the perfect thing without being prompted or asked or anything. The other thing is she is completely at ease with "taking advantage of the situation." Whereas my SO is totally opposed to "using" my dressing and submissive tendencies for her benefit, my work buddy thinks it is great. If she didn't have family at home, she'd have me as her maid in heartbeat. Also, any chance she gets to use me as an assistant, she takes it and loves it. What really makes her special and I mean, crazy special is her reactions. She has said so many things over the years that would be right out of my greatest dream. That being said, she is also extremely careful about my dressing and very private. Several instances of her awesomeness come to mind, with a recent one being her having me do paperwork. Now, when I do some paperwork, it is in a little hidden space that is blocked from the public. It isn't in a separate room but it is hidden by the walls. Oh, I almost forgot that reason she lets me be her assistant is b/c she knows how much I enjoy it. She knows how much it means to me as we have discussed my home situation lots over the years. And times when I have been really down about my situation, she has come up with opportunities to dress up at work and been very encouraging. She has a wonderful heart hidden in a demanding chest...perfection.

So over the last few weeks I had been grumbling about being able to get dressed so, when I came in on Monday, she had a list of duties for me to do! How cool was that...then b/c I had some other stuff come up I couldn't get completely painted. I was also kind of grumbly about not getting done up the w/e before and my SO not being sympathetic so I did my work and then just got going on being her assistant in boi mode. She mentioned this and that it felt "wrong" to have me doing assistant work dressed as a boi. I tell you, that was amazing...in other words she felt it is right for me to wear a dress and heels!!!! Angels sing! So after my mood perked up, I put on my dress, nylons, heels, bra and falsies and got back to work. She is quite bossy and it is fantastic to be her assistant. Plus she's really funny and fun to chat with...just like girltalk while working. I did this for a while. Interestingly we had a person want to come to the office for something. She always locks the door when I am dressed up. So she asked me if I wanted to stay in the little space while the person came in. I was totally thrilled to do this and so the person came in and I was 6 feet (and 1 wall) away! It was really cool b/c it was a new, bolder step for her to do this.

The next opportunity I had was this week when my computer died. Since I couldn't work on my stuff, she put me to work on hers! The amazing thing she did this time was, since client were still coming in, I couldn't get fully dressed but she suggested that I could at least wear heels back in the hidden area. I was thrilled and then I realized that it would be crazy to wear heels with socks so I had to put on nylons. Amazing...then while I was working for her, she asked if I ever use a womens voice when I dress up. I said no but I thought it would be fun to try but I'm a little shy about that. Anyway, she said I should practice so I could do even more of her tasks...like the phone stuff...OMG...

One other really special moment for me was when she got me to make her coffee...it was clear that I was to do it for her and not for both of us...

Anyway, I feel truly lucky to have her as a friend. I'll chat about some other friends as well in time! cheers

a teeny bit to report

So, I have had some clarity of late on what my hopes are with respect to the dressing at home/work stuff. I'm also dying to talk with my SO about what I would like her to do to "play along." The maid at work game hasn't really progressed and I suspect it might be a few more weeks. I do think it will happen and I can't wait. The home maid thing is still pretty unlikely b/c of the cost of me being home instead of making money is still quite relevant. I just can't drop every second friday of work without impacting my wealth not inconsequentially. But, I did have a chance to think about it and what I figure I'd like to do is have my SO help pick out my maid dress for work and also hair colour for the maid. That seems pretty innocuous and I just have to let her know what it would mean to me. The home thing was also on my thoughts as I was hoping she would also be picking the uniform for home and hair colour for home. In my idealized outcome, she does that and she lets me do the home maid thing. Now, it is clear that it would be best for her to not be around when I do the maid thing b/c I'm sure she wouldn't want to see me dressed up. So, she starts getting away during that time. Now from here I've got two sort of dream outcomes. In both, she digs having someone do the maid work and, as a consequence, continues to allow and eventually expect or encourage the maid work. Her attitude would move from reluctantly allowing me do it, to getting more comfortable with the idea and then liking the idea. With this progression, hopefully, she would actually want to have me doing this b/c it spares her from it. As a consequence of this, at some point in the future, I would love it if, she was put out if I didn't do it one time b/c of another obligation and made sure that I did a make-up cleaning. So, that would be so amazing for me. What it would mean is she has totally become cool with me as the maid. The other way the scenario plays out involves her getting totally used to the idea and having someone she trusted compliment her cleaning lady. Of course, they would need one and ask her if hers was available. And she would! Now this is next to impossible b/c of what she is like but I can dream. I think the theme in both of these is the fact that I would like her to see Vanessa as her maid and not her partner in a dress. I would like her to see Vanessa as a reasonable likeness of a female/woman.

I don't think I mentioned that there is going to be a ton of secretarial office work to do over christmas holidays. Now, somebody has to do it. My colleague is not interested and I mentioned that I would do it to my SO and she was fine with that. So, I get to be a secretary for a week. I'm going to dress up each day! Just need to put together some outfits. Fun! and, get this, it will save a few thousand dollars so...as you have read before, here is that benefit of me dressing up thing! yay!

So that is about it for right now...should hopefully be getting out this sat, if not I'll dress up regardless.

Almost forgot, that when it looked like we were moving, I mentioned that I was sad b/c there is a room in our place which would be perfect for sewing. So when the deal fell apart, I said "that's it, I'm getting my sewing room." and she said "sure, if that's what you want to do." Yeeha!

slow going but progress

Well, after all the adventure of the last few posts, this will seem positively sedate but I hope the positive direction/trajectory is apparent. So, since the last post things have been quiet. I should be blabbing about going out on Halloween but a horrible cold prevented that. Also, I was not totally into it. Firstly, b/c halloween costuming is often ghoulish or macabre which really isn't my bag. And, I dress up anyway, so the novelty is somewhat lost. But I did miss a chance to hang out with my absolute 2 fave girls in the entire universe. I love them so much and it really was a get big hairy bummer that I didn't get to see them. Alas, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

So, I figure I've got 3 pseudo-agendas with my dressing up. One is the Club 23/downtown scene, the maid work stuff and third, most important and most difficult, is trying to get my SO to be a part of my dressing or to get her to take some charge of the dressing stuff.

The downtown scene is actually pretty great. Club 23 is awesome and Isaac and Trish have created at totally awesome scene to be a part of. I feel quite welcome there and I can wear whatever I want. There are only 2 things that make this a bit of a challenge. One is the late nights, which, with my profession, can be a toughie. The other is parking and getting to the club, which is a bit dodgy, especially if there is a thug event downtown. But, all-in-all, these events have changed my life. I'm hoping to go this Saturday as well....yay! As far as the downtown getting out stuff goes, there is la cage aux folles coming and I'm hoping to go there in drag as well. Seems appropriate to me and should be pretty safe! Just need somebody who wants to come with me...we'll see.

The maid work stuff and the SO stuff are intimately tied for now as my ability to be a maid requires time away. This one still has some very exciting imminent potential. I am still planning on becoming the office maid but there is a couple of challenges. First of all, is the time commitment, with my hectic schedule, taking 3 hours a week to work will not be inconsequential. Another challenge is how to let the current cleaner go and also what is the excuse. I'm not certain on this one. Most important is clarifying whether this is okay with the SO. She seems pretty okay with it but it isn't real just yet, so, she might change her opinion as it becomes real. The main issue for her will be the time away. It is otherwise a pretty safe outlet.

Also, along the maid lines, we have talked about downsizing our place to create more financial freedom. This would enable more play time and less need to work. So...we recently found a place that looked like it might actually be worth putting an offer in on. We were discussing the benefits of the move and she mentioned that I could take every second friday off and be the house maid, while she toodles off into the city and shops. She was actually making a joke b/c the kind of woman who just goes off to the city and shops while her housekeeper slaves away is really not the kind of woman we like. By saying this, she was sort of pretending to have fun. But my response was one of total enthusiasm. She was kind of surprised and made it clear that she was not serious about taking off to go shopping. I clarified that I got the joke but the thought of being the maid at home for her 2x a month was absolutely dreamy. And the thought of her being the type of woman who would just go off and do as she pleases was crazy hot. Primarily b/c I would love to be her maid and love her to celebrate her superiority in this dynamic. Of course, that isn't reality but I keep trying to encourage it. Ultimately, she did the math and it is painfully obvious that me being the maid would save some money, as we previously had housekeepers, but me working is way more financially savvy. But, if my work was to slow down (which it does at times) and get back to normal levels (I'm currently really busy) it would be pretty simple for me to work one day every 2 weeks as a maid. The key would be her being cool with it and I think I am getting there. She really does seem to get that I would LOVE to do it and that it isn't taking advantage of me or being a bad partner but quite the opposite.