more of what I think I want or like

So, I have been giving more thought to the question of what would I want from my female friends. When I think of things that make me melt on the inside, it is almost around things that have been said to me or suggested in the past. I have mentioned 2 previous comments in this blog before, the time when my gf said that "I even drive like a woman," and a few things that my work gf has said. One other one that will always be special was the time a girl that I was totally in love with came and sat behind my bar with me. I was a bartender then at a niteclub. Since below my waist was hidden, I wore nylons a lot. So while she was sitting there she observed me and said, "you have great legs, you should wear nylons more often." She didn't say this to make me feel good but b/c that is how she felt. I'll always love her for that!

I think it is also very important that the tone be a certain way. I generally respond well to firm pushing and a more dominant tone works great with me. "Go put your nylons on," as opposed to, "you can wear them if you want," is everything. I think I need to be told because there is still a loud voice inside me that rejects my tranny side. That voice often works against me getting dressed up or going out. It is a very rational and intelligent voice, it knows that dressing up is risky and not cool in most circles and, as such, when I am feeling the desire to dress up, the naysaying voice will overwhelm the tranny voice and I don't dress up. But, if I had someone encouraging me, then I wouldn't want to let them down and it would give me extra motivation. But she would need to be firm...I can think that 2 women I know right now fit that description. One is my work gf and the other is my new friend. My work friend is a bit too protective but she also has that strength to be really demanding. I just think she hasn't embraced it b/c she is preoccupied of late and needs to understand how this will benefit her as well.

It may seem insane but I actually do want to be pushed closer to being outed...I think the appeal of this is having a woman that actually doesn't care if I'm a queen and doesn't care what other people might think. They would want me dressed up so much that the other stuff would be irrelevant. The difficulty with this proposition is most of the woman I become friends with are very understanding that being outed could potentially be bad and, as a consequence, are less likely to push me.

This brings up my new friend. We have been acquainted for a few years now, she is a super hot dresser and I would die to dress like her. As a consequence of this I have pushed the tranny-toned discussions with her for some time. Interestingly enough she is super nice but not super warm, so I wasn't sure whether this topic was well-received or actually bothersome. One thing about us is we have a connection on a deeper level. I'm pretty sure she has some angst and seeks an inner tranquility which is identical to me. The cause of her angst is not clear to me but we do share this mutual desire to drink more deeply from life and try to pull more joy from it. It is very clear to me that she has a very good soul and is a bit fragile way down deep inside. On the other hand, there is quite a power in her as well and this is tantalizing. She is also quite stunning and is interested in fashion and dressing up...She's a bit hard to communicate with by facebook but I am hopeful our friendship can build b/c I think it has great potential.

Her and I speak via facebook. Her fb page is pretty "normal" as it is partly related to her work and her social network. So after a little bit of chatting on fb the question of being official fb friends came up. At that time I was very reluctant b/c my profile pic can be me as a maid or something pretty different and this would mean someone creeping could note I'm a tranny and I was worried about being recognized. So, no befriending at that time. Then she got very slow to respond to our chats and I sort of guessed that our discussion was going to fade away. She would send a 1 sentence message and I would respond that day and 10 days later I'd get another sentence. I just figured she was busy and our dynamic wasn't motivating her to chat. Anyway, then a little while ago, she started chatting a bit more and she asked me to be a friend again. I befriended her and then looked at her friend list (which I could not do without being a friend first). I saw about 15 people I knew as a boy! So I unfriended her. Then things got interesting, she persisted! I explained my concerns and she basically told me to change my profile pic to one that is much harder to see the boi me in. I did but then I was concerned that it might be detrimental for her to have a tranny friend. She doesn't care! How cool is she? Anyway, that is super hot to me. Also, my fb privacy is pretty good now, so I don't need to worry that someone can see my photos or any telling info. So I'm entering a new phase where I feel okay having my profile as a friend with people who may be connected to people I know.

what I want and more frustrating updates

Well folks, I hope I can get to all I want to talk about today! Firstly, thanks for reading! So, I have had some interesting stuff going on lately. If you have been reading, you know one of my dreams has always been for me to be required to dress up and for Vanessa to have a reality. Also, if you have noticed, I'm ALWAYS on the look-out for any opportunity. What that means is, I'm always playing around with me getting a chance to dress up. So, to set the stage you need to understand that I work in a large building for part of my week. This building has a large crew of a housekeepers. I am a very friendly person and as a consequence I have gotten to know many of the housekeeping staff. In fact, some of my favorite people are members of the housekeeping staff. Anyway, over the last few months, I have been joking around with some of the housekeeper's one of the managers of the housekeepers about how much I would like to be a housekeeper as well but the only qualifier is I would want to do it in a skirt or a dress. Again, it is important to establish the dynamic of these discussions to appreciate how things have gone. First of all, most of it has been done in a joking manner. This is not uncommon for me to do until I establish that I can proceed safely. So in the last few weeks I have been feeling really repressed and perhaps this has motivated me to be more bold in my discussion. Also I have ran into the manager of a couple of times lately and this has provided me or opportunity to discuss this housekeeping career option. It also must be understood that I am a professional with a very highly trained career. In a weird sort of way this has provided me some safety as most of the housekeepers would find it unbelievable for someone like me to want to be a housekeeper.

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago I ran into the manager and reminded her about my wishes to become a housekeeper. Then I reminded her about my uniform requirements. She was talking with another housekeeper at this time and we were discussing whether a male could work in a skirt if they wanted. The entire discussion was more akin to a discussion of policies regarding uniforms and rules regarding uniforms. Thus, we talked about tattoos and piercings and whether this would be okay with the company. The standard housekeeping uniform is a tunic and pants but they do allow employees to wear skirts for religious reasons. This has always been something that I have mentioned. So, as our discussion progressed, we moved from generalities to whether or not the company would actually allow a male to wear a skirt. The manager was quite confident that they would allow this. I was on cloud 9! and then I mentioned that there might be a problem with having a male employee in a skirt and the public seeing this. The manager stated that it would be best to work afternoon or evenings and there were areas of the building that were deserted at that time. At the end of our discussion, I asked her if I had to fill out and on-line application and she advised me that I could simply give her my resume because she knows me.

A few days after this discussion, I ran into one of my more favorite housekeepers and talked with her about working as a housekeeper. This lady is absolutely lovely and I have a real fondness for her. Unfortunately any tranny talk tends to make her a little uncomfortable and so I have to tone it down with her. when I saw her recently, I spoke with her about the potential of being a housekeeper and she was supportive. She also agreed that there were areas to work where one would not come into contact with the public.

I then sent the facebook message to one of my favorite housekeepers, who knows about Vanessa and she said that it would be impossible for me to keep this quiet if I did actually do it. So I am very conflicted because it would be so much fun.

The next topic has been prompted by a discussion with another facebook friend. The question is, what would I want from my friends in a perfect world. I don't think I have all the answers to this just yet but I have one example. I think it would be wonderful to have female friends who were really motivated to get me to dress up. I would love it is my friends badgered me about dressing. "How come you are not wearing nylons today?" is a good example. I think it is a difficult issue because what I want is my friends to be more forceful than they would normally be expected to be in a friendship. I also would like it very much if my friends were more assertive in finding opportunities for me to dress up with them. unfortunately we are all very busy people.

I going to think on this more but it is an interesting topic to me.

Oh and I have an interesting tidbit...eek gotta go...tbc!

star-crossed

Hi folks! I'm thrilled you are reading this. So the weather is horrendous and I have a little time b/c most people are snowed in. I'm at work but no-one else is and so I'm in the cutest little knit, black, short-sleeved, too short dress with black tights and my grey heels that I LOVE. No paint b/c I don't have quite enough time. Still, I love this outfit!!!

So, there are many ways I feel that higher powers have always conspired against me dressing up. First of all, I'm not 5'6" with delicate feminine features. Now, I'm also not 6'4" and square jawed so, I'm not totally hooped. I doubt that I could pass b/c of my size though...a little too solid for a female physique. Alas, I do okay on dark nights and rainy weather. Another way I've been cursed is my cautious nature...always careful not to get caught or risk getting caught and outed. Plus, if I was gay...I'd probably be a queen and then all my dressing wouldn't matter all that much. But...if you have been reading recent posts, you will see that I've been stuck in the closet for a couple of months. Nothing gets me more motivated than this. So, I was dead set on going to Sincity this Sat. night. Even though I had to be up at 6 am on Sunday, I was full on in....couldn't wait! and then the gods decided to have a laugh. It snowed a bunch on Friday night to Saturday morning, then it warmed up just enough to create lots of moisture on the streets and then it froze again on Saturday. Now, Sincity is a 60 mile drive both ways (and worth every inch) but I don't think I could have even gotten out of my driveway without sliding off the road. Snowbound (not the fun kind of bound) to say the least.

And get this...I may actually get out to the Taboo sex show in Vancouver this week but the weather is calling for more snow and freezing rain! Like c'mon! This would be a big step for me but I'm really ready...I think it would be safe and I don't suspect anyone would recognize me anyway. But what to wear?

I'm still focused on the maid thing....gotta make it happen. I think the SO may be left out of this b/c her ignoring it completely destroys my desire to serve her. Who wants to please someone who completely rejects their great joys? Not I. Alas, I'll keep hoping but I'm looking at a few other girls that I know from work. The trouble with me doing their maid work is...either their hubbys/boyfriends or kids. I don't want a partner showing up and getting all crazy. Also, I won't be dressed in front of kids...just seems totally wrong to expose a immature mind to something so confusing.

New years.

Well, there really is nothing to update but I have decided on my New Year's resolution! I am determined to work as Vanessa somehow this year. Of course, all the dressing up stuff is there, ie. dress up more yadda-yadda... but I really want to give the work in drag a go...so how? Well, I think maid still is a good option and I may actually have someone that would be cool to me doing it. Remember, I don't want to do it for someone who is not into it b/c that would be super negative for me...Otherwise...planning on Club 23 in the next while...gonna give Sanctuary a try!