well, after the February blow up, I felt no desire to blog. I kept away because I really didn't have anything I wanted to post, plus I know this gets read by a few people involved and I didn't want to share with them. Anyway, I am now 6 months after the whole upsetting affair. It has settled sort of how I expected it would. I was devastated/hurt and after the dust settled, I re-evaluated what it was that was upsetting me and tried to work on that. That is not to minimize the harsh realities that lead to the blow up or to say that there have been no changes or consequences from these. The dream of having a group of good fb friends with whom I can be the real me is dead. What remains is the fact that I can use fb as a mechanism for interaction but it is very limited. I also accepted that I needed to block some people on fb. That is a very big deal for me but it was necessary to break a unhealthy cycle.
So, over the last 6 months I have had a lot of fun with one work colleague. She finally got me to get my white heels that I have wanted for years. So happy about them, they are lovely.
I had a big holiday and that means no dressing but since I have been back I've dressed up twice at the apartment. It is still magical for me to dress up there. The last 2x I dressed up at the apartment I got dressed and then I was kind of bummed b/c I wanted to do something other than sit in an empty apartment. There has always been a drive in me to get out when I am dressed up. So, last Sunday, I mustered up the courage to go out. After feeling like a failure for not getting out I decided it was time to give it a go. What this entailed was me picking something to wear that was a bit mellower that usual. Also, after I did my makeup, I tried on a bunch of wigs. Two looked good, really blonde (which I LOVE) and my dark wavy one. So, in order to be less noticeable, I went with the dark one. I got a long sleeved black dress which goes just to below the knee on my. I wore beige stockings (and OMG the lousiest garter belt ever...stupid thing kept popping undone on the stockings) and black ballet flats. So, I sat there for a little while and tried to fb a few ladies to see if we could meet...no answer and no-one available, so I just decided to go for it and come to see if my office was an option. What this meant was leaving the apartment and walking down to the hall to the stairs, down the stairs to the parkade and out to the car. I was pretty terrified of running right into someone but I got all my stuff set and opened the door and looked down the hallway. There was no-one there and I was off. When I walked to the car in the parkade, I heard a door closing to another car about 6 cars away. I just looked forward and walked. Then I drove to my office. I made sure there were no cars in the parking lot and the gates were locked. If there was no-one there, it is obvious b/c the gates need to be opened. They were locked, so I drove right up to them, unlocked them and drove in. I walked up the stairs to my office, opened the door and went it. Once inside I did paperwork like the good little secretary I often wish I was. After about an hour, I had to get going home, so I got back to boi mode and was done. It was a monumental occasion for me because I bought the apartment with the intention of using it to go out, so I finally did that. Now, I really, really don't want to go to the office b/c of the high risk of being caught so I need to find a safe place to go.
I am getting a lot closer on maid stuff...so I hope I can find time and do that. It feels like it is going to happen.
I've lost another very dear friend to a happy relationship. Her boytoy is someone I know, so us chatting is too high risk. I am so sad about this b/c she was AMAZING to chat to. But I need to be a big girl and I am. For a while, I was really down about this b/c it always reminds me that I am unable to have meaningful relationships with women b/c their partners are threatened. I feel doomed to forming a connection and then having my heart broken as the person has to get rid of me. But I accept that this is my reality. So, to be happy, I need to understand that I am pretty much destined to have rare opportunity to have a good friendship that can persist, so enjoy it while I can.
Gotta say, I wish my work colleague was not one of those, "cannot talk to b/c of boyfriend." She is an absolute dream of a friend and gf. Just perfect.
I was trying to push the envelope with regards to my work attire lately. I was wearing fun coloured nylons and feminine shoes. It was a blast and really going well but some rain has started on my parade. First of all, people get sent to see me and so sometimes I get seen by people who are related to my social circle. So, it is a bit risky for me to be wearing fishnets when I don't always know if the next client is a best friend's friend or something. Another downer was at work, I have had an interesting experience with a few work colleagues. One lady is an absolute bomb...super cool, fun, playful, great makeup, likes fashion but not obsessive. Since she is so cool, I have been discussing shopping and stuff while being non-committal. The usual thing I do is mention shoes but not saying heels or talking about an outfit but not a dress. Anyway, she got curious and I started considering sharing with her but I did my screening question of whether she would be okay dating a guy in heels (often it is phrased as "what would you do if you found out your partner wore dresses or like to dress up") anyway, she was clear that she wouldn't accept it. So, that reminded me that no-one really can ever love me b/c no-one wants to be with a tranny (b/c this is the billionth time I've heard this). Then later on I was considering showing her a photo of some shoes. I understand it is a huge leap from dating/marrying a tranny versus having one for a friend. So, I offered to show her something but she was not giving me the enthusiasm I would have like, so I asked her about whether she wanted to "talk with me about the real me" and she said "if you feel you want to share." So, that is the most polite "no, thanks" I have ever gotten...but it was no thanks. The last negative work thing was a young, nice lady that I have worked with about 20-30 times. Nice, kind of churchy but still okay. Anyway, a while back I told her that I hate the fact my eyes are close together. When we worked together last week, she mentioned that she met someone with close set eyes as well. This got to discussing how men can't use makeup to help with this. I then described the tricks that one does for this. She stated, "I'm thinking that you have done this before." Coyly, I responded, "well, I can't say yes or you might judge me." What knocked my socks off was she did not say she wouldn't. All she said was that she "wouldn't think less of me." Fuck me...like a 25 year old woman!
So that has made draw back a bit..or a lot actually. This is really hard for me b/c I love wearing nylons all the time. I always have the urge to put on nylons and panties at least. Plus I feel so happy when I "get away" with it. I do feel I will decrease my interactions with work colleagues. I'm sad about this but, right now, I just feel like they are a bunch of narrow-minded twats. I am so sick of being disappointed by folks that I am going to just bury the girly banter for now. I'm not sure about the work outfits....I'll see how the next while goes....I need inspiration.
so...what's up for the next while? maid work, dressing at the apartment and hopefully getting out a bit.
