I am involved with a woman who is perfect for me in every way except for one. She hates my crossdressing. Not a vague dislike but hate. She knew I do this when we started but, at that time, it really only consisted of me wearing the odd pair of nylons beneath my clothes. Coincidentally, as our relationship grew, so did the nature of my crossdressing. I began to see signs of concern when I was wearing nail polish in public. This seemed to be a tipping point for her. Also and tragically, because she is so special to me, she is the person I want most to be a part of my femme life. In my perfect universe we would go on shopping trips, go out to dinner with me dressed up. Unfortunately, as I tried to put all that in play, it pushed her beyond her breaking point and she laid it on the line that she hated it. We spent significant time deciding how to proceed. Here was this perfect union but there was this big flaw. We knew it seemed ridiculous to break up over it yet, it really was (is) a big deal. We did a lot of talking and counseling and it was an interesting process. For her, it was just a small part of me that she couldn't accept. For me, it was the thing that defined me and gave me so much joy so, her not accepting it meant reject almost all of me. So, we decided that she would have NOTHING to do with it but it also meant that she had to trust me....which was not super easy for her to do since she had been cheated on by an ex-bf. Then life got really busy for me and my opportunities were quite few.
but then, I got control of my schedule and started getting going on my make-up. The make-up thing was always the limiting step on me getting out. I didn't feel comfy being out in a skirt and tights and in boi mode. So, I finally got determined to make myself as good as I could in make-up and when it started to come together, I was ready to venture out. This was really my goal forever. To just go out as a girl and to enjoy the thrill of dressing up and making up. So then, I went out with a group that I had known of forever on yahoo groups, the girls night out. It wasn't what I was looking for but one of the girls was going to Sin City after and I was dying to go there as well. I tagged along and WOW...life changing moment. I had found a place to go that suited me to a tee! The place was full of people (mostly girls) just like me...lovers of dressing up!
So, when I got the time, I went to Sincity. This varied greatly, in that, I may go 2 times in one month and then not for 4 to 5 months. But this was my outlet, and it was acceptable to my significant other (SO).
Now this is where it gets a bit curious, over all this time 2 things have happened. Firstly, I have continued to dream of her being a part of this. Secondly, since she won't be my gf, I have sought them out.
So, since I have always wanted her to be a part of things it has lead to some really difficult times. Her initial concern was that I wanted to be a woman (never, I love being a man in the bedroom and I truly think men are so gross) and so any push to dressing up would make her worry about this. I think she realizes that this isn't true now but the issue is her utter disgust at me being dressed up. She simply thinks it is such a turn off.
Back to this w/e...so, I have wanted to be a maid since I was 12. It remains one of my most powerful fantasies. So, since she was going to be away, I brought up my dressing up to her. Now, she knows that I'm going to dress up while she is away and doesn't mind this. But I had a thought/dream/fantasy and I decided to try to risk sharing it with her. I told her that it would be a dream come true if she was to leave me instructions for the w/e along the lines of "dress up and do these duties." That's it...she wouldn't have to see a thing but I needed to know she actually wanted me to do it as a girl or no deal. Anyway, the discussion went quite poorly and I accepted that this was just the way things were going to be. No change in things. Her point was, she thought that this particular offer was fine but where would it lead. She has repeatedly tried to do/say something nice about my dressing and then have me push her way passed what she could deal with b/c I misinterpret her. Regardless, I was stoked about getting to dress up, so I just moved on.
Then I was able to co-ordinate going out to Club 23 with a friend and that was just so cool. The club was pretty quiet but we danced and it was like 2 weeks ago where I was just a girl going out with another girl. Super cool thing was the fact that my gf let me do her brow with a pencil....It really meant a ton to be asked to help with someones make-up. Just another of those feminizing moments I crave. I was pretty satisfied with my make-up and my outfit was tame b/c I wasn't sure that she would groove to club 23 and, therefore, I dressed less fetish and more appropriate for a gay club if necessary. We were just like 2 girls out having a night of dancing. Wonderful. Also, I picked her up at her place, which meant actually getting out of the car and walking to her house...eeeek.
Then, when I got home and got all cleaned and finished surfing the web for a bit, I pulled up my pillow and there was a letter. It said Vanessa's (my real name was here) list of weekend chores: 1) Please get dressed up and: 5 things were on the list...3 were stated as direct instructions and 2 were "if you feel inclined". The last thing it said was Have Fun. I could have died! I couldn't believe it! Before she had left, she was kind of grumpy but as she was leaving she actually said I was to do so vacuuming upstairs. That seemed odd at the time and I was thinking, "no dress up? no clean up!" except my usual tidiness. In light of this letter, I was even more thrilled b/c if she is in a bad mood, she is usually even less accepting of my dressing up. This time, she actually encouraged it and the way it was said was like someone discussing a servant. You'll do the upstairs...sort of comment. So, there I was.
One of my issues with cleaning my own place is the fact that I do it as a boy...so it has always detracted from the fantasy. But this was different b/c I was being instructed. Also, I've often wondered, if I actually got to be a maid, would it suck after a while. Would the work turn me off the experience. So, on Sunday I got up, did a little running around, worked out, ate a very late lunch, I painted my nails a very feminine hot pink begetting my occupation. Then I got to live my dream. This was quite powerful for me. Would I like it? Am I actually a big faker or do I actually want to be a maid? b/c I could have easily just cleaned in boi mode but...I didn't. I got made (maid) up and got dressed in my maid uniform (plus apron, collar, hair thingie, wrist cuffs, black hose, bra, 4"heels). When I looked in the mirror, my heart skipped a beat and I thought, "this is my fate, this is what I'm meant to be." Whoa...so then I got to work. I worked for about 3 hours and then it was getting late (plus I was tired from the night before). I got all cleaned up and went to sleep. Funny thing...I wear silicone falsies and when I was working they got sweaty and kept falling out of my bra!
Now here is where it got really profound for me. I fully expected to not dress up on Monday. She was heading back so it would mean that I would have to get up and get cracking on getting painted and get to work. Plus I wanted to make an awesome dinner to thank her and I needed to get the food for this. So, on Sunday night I actually removed my nail polish, thinking that I was done with the dressing. I woke up a bit early on Monday. Not to be gross or too graphic but it is relevant that I satisfied myself in the am. This is very important b/c when I do that, I'm almost guaranteed to not dress up as it sort of deflates my drive a bit. So, I figured that I'd not dress up, so it didn't matter. Now, this is where things really got super powerful for me...Instead of chilling and just doing a little more, I actually wanted to dress up again. FYI, this means 1 hour minimum to get painted. But I did! I couldn't wait to do it. And it wasn't put on or me trying to be something. I just wanted to do it. And I did. Same as the night before except with a blonde wig. I worked so hard to get the list done and I did plus made prime rib with fabu veggies, salad, potatoes....Awesome! I was so happy!
Now here are some of my reflections on things from this w/e. I actually did like being a maid...really! and I did enjoy the work. One of the things I really loved was how I stopped reflecting on my outfit and make-up and just worked. Boy do I need practice with my ironing! Also, I am beginning to think that the maid fantasy is also tied to my need to please. I really was focused on trying to do an amazing job. Not only to please, which was super important but also....and this is more fantasy stuff, but I figure, she comes back and sees all this awesome work that has been done and it spurs something in her mind. Hopefully, it gets her thinking about how she could benefit from this and do it, not too satisfy my kinks but to spoil her a bit or a lot. I was able to convey how happy all of the maid work made me pretty well. She did want me to "be cool," so, I've got to not overdo it in the next while or she will get freaked out.
Well, I've gone on too long for one blog but I'm just so happy!
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