Well, gentle reader, I felt it is important to update you all on what has transpired since the last, incredibly sad, blog I posted. After all the craziness that lead to that, I was left incredibly sad and despondent. I had many people asking me what was up or wrong. I brushed them all off as it is often impossible to describe my difficulties without disclosing that it all relates to my dressing up. This is one of the biggest difficulties for both me and my SO, how does one get feedback or advice when it revolves around a very private matter. Especially when the privacy of the matter is one of the biggest issues. Tough to do.
Anyway, my disconsolate mood was noted by my SO and last Wednesday, she cornered me. I was reluctant to talk at first and tried the soft lie approach. I'm tired/stressed with work shtick...but it was crystal clear to her that I was hiding the truth. Then I decided that I would express my frustration. Interestingly enough I was very emotional, which is really not my style. But I think this actually help to convince her of the profundity of my frustration and sadness. Ultimately, I made it clear that I was upset that she didn't trust me but on the other hand, I totally understood her insecurity. I also made it abundantly clear that what I wanted more than anything in the world was her to be a part of my dressing up and that I had no answers for how to get her involved. This was the time that I was most able to express my exasperation. My joy is so strongly tied to her joy and pleasing her. Yet, here is the thing that gives me unbelievable joy and it gives her such grief....Anyway, she heard me out and advised me that she was just feeling insecure due to the phone history deletion. We discussed the problem of her not wanting to know anything but not wanting to feel totally vulnerable. She said that I should not delete my phone history, which is fine with me. The computer stuff was not resolved per se but she was going to consider how much she felt she could handle knowing. I did acknowledge that I did communicate with other women on the web via fb. This was okay with her but she wanted to give the topic a rest and then decide where she would like to go with it. My only concern with this issue is her being alarmed at how many girls know about Vanessa. This is a tough issue for me as well b/c I have had my trust betrayed so many times but on the other hand I so value the great friends, it makes the sacrifice worth it. On the other hand, if my SO was willing to be involved, I would not be seeking someone to interact with on a regular basis. That being said, I would definitely still enjoy the fun of discussing make-up, shoes, etc with other girls b/c that is so much fun. Just less than currently.
So after that we have been a lot better b/c of the resolutions from the phone and web stuff. It is important to realize that in our day to day life, my dressing up is best not brought up and so after the discussion, I knew it would be best to just be quiet about it. And I was. Which brings me to 2 things that have happened in the last while. One thing is that she bought me a pair of halloween tights when she went to buy some halloween stuff. I noted them in my drawer the day she did it. Now, she has bought me the odd thing in the past spontaneously and so I didn't go crazy but in light of the recent stresses that have resulted from the dressing up issue, I was so pleased. I didn't mention it until last night when I wanted tell her that I was so happy about her doing that. Again, I cannot emphasize enough the scared look she gets at times when I bring up anything to do with the topic of me dressing. I also mentioned to her that I was trying to come up with ways for me to dress up that result in her being indirectly involved and it also being a positive for her. When I was the maid for the w/e she was away, it was a perfect example of this b/c I did a BUNCH of stuff that was quite onerous and that meant she got to make me happy and also get a benefit.
This brings up a very curious issue regarding me and my dressing up. As I mentioned in a previous blog there is a very strong component of being put into situations where I have to dress up. And from this the maid scenarios are powerful fantasies. Now, ideally, the person putting me into this situation and benefiting from it would be my SO. What is interesting about this fantasy is how it means that I would be most happy to do things that would normally be no fun. This is something that can create a challenging conflict. My SO loves me and is a respectful, kind partner. It completely goes against her nature to "manipulate" any scenario to a selfish means. Simply put, she would never want to take advantage of me for a selfish gain. Well, that is exactly what I would want done except that it, absolutely, must include me being dressed up. So, I really wanted to do an awesome job as a maid to get her thinking, "hey, if I get her doing all the crappy duties, then I won't have to." The hopeful consequence of this would be her wanting me to be a maid more. But, she is totally unselfish and so it is highly unlikely that this will happen. Anyway, I did bring this topic up to her and she did her usual, quiet listening. She explained how she would never do anything to manipulate me and I advised her that I trust that she would never do anything selfish that was wholly self-serving and to my detriment. In other words, I am confident that if (and hopefully, when) she did play along with this fantasy, it would be in the best interests of us both. Anyway, the impression I got from her during this discussion was one of a clear understanding. She seemed to get that pleasing her is a major component of my fantasy world and didn't completely dismiss the concept. Which ties into the last topic we spoke about last night.
When we spoke last night, I was very cautious to avoid being to crazy/enthused about the topic and kept the talking to a minimum. I thanked her for the halloween tights and advised her of how much it meant to me and why it was special. I advised her that I was trying hard to come up with suggestions that would allow her to be a part of it without making her uncomfy or unhappy. Then I mentioned a story I read on magsinc which is a website that has tranny stories on it. I love the reluctant press, which is a publisher that has little mini tranny stories on it. I review it regularly and when I find one that is to my taste, I buy it. Usually, I am disappointed by the stories b/c the preview doesn't always give you a clear idea of what will happen and they often end up being not my cup of tea. But, the latest one was really quite good. A guy, wants to be a maid, wife digs it, he ends up being a maid at the office she works at. Story 2 was a guy, is already wife's maid, she goes to conference and loans him to a friend and it goes great. Nothing to pervy, really just a tranny maid being a maid. So, I mentioned this story to my SO and I know she gets sort of worried that this is leading to uncomfy places, so I backed off. But before I did, I mentioned that I could technically take over being the maid and cleaning at the office I work at b/c it is only me and one other employee. The cleaners come on the weekend, when no-one is here and it would be a locked place, no chance of discovery b/c no-one has keys except me, the other employee and the cleaners. Her response was, "well, that would save $150 a month." Now I have to say, that there is some problem with this plan and the obvious issue is it would take me, probably 4 hours in total each week...that might be too much time away...But the neat thing was, she said, "well, see how often they are there for." Also, the thing that made me so incredibly happy was her initial response. Instead of it being about the fear of discovery or anything, it was a mildly selfish comment about saving money. Not a comment regarding how crazy it is for me to be a cleaner/maid, not a comment about how my time is worth so much more than that...so that is amazing to me. That is exactly the thought process I would want from her. Vanessa as a mechanism to make her world better. As I mentioned though, there is logistic issues that I will need to address but this has potential it a big way.
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