So, here is the harsh reality blog to compliment the euphoric blog that preceded it.
After the wonderful w/e that I had, the weekend before last, I was trying very hard to stay "cool" about the events. Regardless, I did share with my significant other (SO) some of the things that I felt. One of these things was the way that I was surprised that I still was eager to dress up on the Monday. Well, that got spun in a direction I should have seen coming when I told her. Her take on it was that I didn't know how much I wanted to dress up, ie. I wanted to dress up more than even I was aware of. From this she can feel that I "need" something she can't supply or be. That was the Wednesday after the w/e. I felt somewhat defeated and very saddened by this. It really frustrates me to have her feel this. Now, she isn't irrational in her thoughts but it needs to be clarified that the way I feel is that I've got this amazing person in my life and adore her. I would love it if she was a part of my dressing but I don't "NEED" her to be...I want her to but not need. So her response to my comments about my w/e were deflating in the least.
Then things got really depressing. The next night we had a discussion that was prompted by me mentioning I had looked at the history on her browser. She wasn't so worried about that but it brought up that I always delete my history and also had deleted the history on my phone. The deleting my browser history has been standard protocol for years. The phone thing was due to the going out on the w/e. Now, before I get more into the details, I want to clarify that I am 100% faithful. She could ride on my shoulders and would never see anything that was inappropriate or could be construed as unfaithful. I'm super proud of this b/c it represents a maturity I've always wanted to achieve. I am this way because I value her and I refuse to be tempted. Anyway, she brought up the phone and web. I addressed the web by bringing up a critical issue, which is, the "how much do you want to know about my tranny life?" question. This harkens back to when we decided on how we were going to work out our issue. As far as she was concerned, it became a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic. I would never bring up the issue and neither did she. As a consequence of this, I made sure that web browser was attended to, so she wouldn't log on and end up seeing tranny stuff. So, I brought this up. Then we talked about the phone. This issue is identical. If she sees my phone has numbers on it from when she was away or I was out in drag, (and you can bet she'd look for it), this would concern her. Since I am so faithful this is where I get angry. One of the most difficult issues for me and getting out dressed up is the fact that I'm forced to walk from parking to the club. That is usually 2-3 blocks on relatively busy downtown streets, passing many, many people on the way. I feel horribly vulnerable. It has precluded me getting out many times when there have been events downtown and I am feeling like there would be just too much risk. For instance, if there is a UFC event then the demographic of the population downtown is not safe for me to be out there solo. I mentioned this to my gfs and they said that I should call them when I get to the parking, and they could come to meet me and walk with me. Aaaahhh but then there is a number on the phone and then what? Well, that's the issue. Now, if I'm planning on going out and actually calling someone, the same situation arises.
Her primary concern is feeling vulnerable and whether she is actually setting herself up to be cheated on, or allowing something to go on and actually being taken advantage of.
I understand her concerns, I respect that they are valid. So, what to do? Well, I've given up my nighttime tranny surfing...after she went to bed, I usually would tranny surf for about 1/2-1 1/2 hours. I am very sad about this as it is a loss of one of the total highlights of my day. Gone...and as a consequence, Vanessa has diminished greatly, since more of her life was through social networking. But this addresses the web history issue. My phone...I want to throw it out. I guess I just have to risk a beating and not make any plans to keep her contented. This way, I'll have no phone numbers she would be bothered by. But it means I'm not able to communicate with the girls in my tranny life.
but I am sad, very sad...I feel stuck b/c she doesn't want to know but also can't deal with the trusting...so I'm stuck....
the other consequence of all of this is my loss of joy in the dressing up world. It is so tied to such negativity right now, I'm super down on it. sucks so much.
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