So, I reviewed my discussions about what happened with me 11 days ago. The killing of the fb page, twitter, and making all photos go away. It is a bit misleading when I read it b/c it makes it sound like I barely ever got any interaction with the "friends". Actually, when I did get replies, we often would have some form of discussion. The problem was I always (except you KS and JT), had to initiate...like always. And then, if I didn't initiate, months would go by. I tried to justify it by taking a more mature thought process, "I am willing to do this because these relationships mean so much to me," and "I'm a better friend than most of them." But it is a bit like knowing you are ugly, you can come up with a million ways of comforting yourself but the fact that you never get hit on, asked out, looked at....it sort of tells you the harsh truth. So, I got it.
As I mentioned in the previous posts, I also really got to feeling like a pest. That really, really bothered me. In the end, I think that may have been a big component of me bailing on fb. I had a few woman who sent me messages every 3 months at best. From the outset with these ladies, it was an example of the "I never get on fb." I got that and for them, I understood. Would I have wanted to chat with them more? totally. Anyway, I am sad about a few of these ladies b/c I suspect I may never chat to them again. All in all, off the top of my head, I lost ...well, all of them actually. Well, there are one or two I see at work on occasion. But in reality, they are all gone to me. Even the ones I see at work, I have no interest in pursuing the dynamic anymore because it was a waste of time. So, one of the ladies, who still has not noticed, chatted with me last week. It was standard co-worker crap. Boring, meaningless and devoid of any real content. But it is pointless for me to try to engage her. She will go on and on about her life and life events but when it comes to reciprocation...fuggedabowdit.
A funny thing has been telling the few that have noticed. It is an interesting process telling someone that their failure to make an effort in your relationship made you kill your fb page. I keep in generalities to soften the process but I make it clear that I "gave it up because I got sick of having to beg women to chat with me over and over." There have only been 2 or three ladies that have noted to me and it was interesting because they all wanted to try to make it sound like our dynamic would continue and I made it clear that it won't. They will say, "So, we will still keep in touch, won't we?" I respond with "well, I'll probably see you around I guess." Again, I'm not interested in making any one person feel badly. In fact, most of these women are ladies that I opened up to because I felt there were special and could accept me. But I'm also not interested in lying to be nice. The truth is 99% of the ladies I tried to interact with were shitty at reciprocating. I cannot tell you the amount of counseling and comforting and encouraging I did over and over. The compliments were sincere and I did it because I thought that is what my role should be. In return, I hoped for some effort to be made to be interested in me. Some did, at times, when I was really frustrated about how completely trapped I am, some were wonderful. But in the end I guess I was too much work or not worth the effort.
So where to now? Well, I still am a bit down about dressing up...I suspect it should take me a few more days before I get over the pity party and realize that I only have one short life and I need to do this while I can.
I will make that new fb page at some time in the next while...just not sure about when or what the new name should be. I have to figure out how to get rid of the Vanessa Vaughan on my google+ page as I do want to bury that name...of course that means I'm seeking a new or possibly old name. Regardless of what I do, I will employ the page for an entirely different purpose. NO Messaging. EVER. That ship sailed and sunk.
On a tranny positive note, I may have found a place to do my alterations. yay.
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