3 weeks post mortem

So, I'm 3 weeks post killing Vanessa. I'm good with it still. I still feel that there are a few women that would give a smug "I knew you'd come back" type of commentary if I did. Also, I really don't feel that I've lost all that much. The further away it gets the more content I feel about the decision. The other thing is I have also had only one interaction which made me want to go back or consider contacting someone with a new page. This lady was wonderful to talk to and she initiated discussion from time to time, so she was not part of the issue. My only concern with her, and this highlights another issue, is that she is a little too close to my boy life and people that know the boy me. In fact, that is something I have not mentioned, the fact that I am still quite closeted and some of my so-called friends have outed me to people without my permission. They always qualify their betrayal by saying that the person they were telling was cool or accepting or whatever but, the truth is, they completely betrayed me by telling someone. So, having no photos that can be seen anymore is really relaxing. I have no fears that someone has proof of the tranny me without my permission.

There was another variable about the facebook friendship experience that was trying and I'm glad is done. What happened frequently was the women I chatted with may have ended up in a relationship which caused them to ditch me. Or, I would open up to a woman but she would not be able to chat with me due to her partner feeling threatened. I understand this dynamic completely. I also can see that it is a bit crazy as it makes a bunch of assumptions. First of all, it does speak to the maturity of the couple's trust. Ultimately, your partner is trustworthy or not. I used to be very jealous about my girlfriends and want to put walls around them but I have learned that you really have no control over your partner and her choices. If she wants to be with someone else, there is little you can do. This is not to say that you don't try to be a good partner and don't pay attention but if your partner wants to be with someone else, there is little you can do. That really is saying that they have some need you are not meeting or that have some needs that you aren't fulfilling. This is no reflection on you if you are doing your best to be a good partner, this is a reflection on them. But irrespective of my opinions, I have had about 25% of the women I have opened up to end the dynamic b/c they were concerned that their partner would be threatened or uncomfortable with the concept of their woman chatting with a dude. I must say, I feel that is a bit silly. First of all, I'm a tranny for crying out loud. 99% of women would never ever date me, even the ones that love me as a person are still not necessarily interested in having a tranny for a spouse. Also, there is the fact that there is no way I would be with any of them. I'm taken and I'm never ever going to cheat so...that trumps any chance of any playing around. But I have to respect this variable and it did help to sour me on the attempts at facebook interaction. The ones that it really hurt the most with were ones that I was there for them when they were going through stuff but the second they get serious with a boy, I get kicked to the curb. It made me feel used.

anyway, I'm still desperately hoping to find more time in my life for dressing up and trying to focus on that.