So, I did miss some key points about the death of my Vanessa's online life. One was the end of the being a maid for someone dream. This fantasy/wish was entirely dependent on me co-ordinating it with someone via facebook. So, even those folks that might actually enable this will not be able to set it up b/c the fact that I can't contact them in a timely fashion anymore. Not that I really had any hopes of it ever happening for real. That was one of the key reasons I decide to bail on fb. The fact was pointed out to me that I spend an enormous amount of effort achieving nothing when it comes to the maid dream. That also is ennervating for the women involved. So, really, to be honest, time still is so limited and the chance of me getting out is so difficult, it is true. Even if the ideal maid job happened, then what. Well, I still honestly believe I would have made it happen. I know I would but the problem was either the person lived so far away or they had some reason to not employ me. Regardless, that dream is deader than a doornail now. I can deal with that...hell, I spent the majority of my life dealing with the fact that I'll never get to live out 99% of my fantasies.
One thing I find interesting to me is the fact that one of the things that really, really motivates me to stay away from going back is the fact that one lady is so smarmy about our dynamic. I know that she thinks that I'll miss her and that I wouldn't be able to stay away. That smug attitude so helps me keep myself free from the temptation of re-activating. I'm almost one week in, I have 3 more to go and then it is gone forever. Sad, really sad but less sad than spending my time being a total fucking loser, pleading for people to chat with me, begging with ladies to girl talk with me, hoping for a chance to be a maid. Posting tons of likes and messages that never get acknowledged...Nope, I knew it almost as soon as I started but I fought it...I didn't want to believe that 99% of the people I interacted with didn't give a shit but even numbskulls like me can see the light...yep...the veil is off my eyes. Pretty tragic really, it's a bit like finding out there is no santa...all your faith in your "friends" blown to smithereens.
My flickr is fully private now...my twitter is gone, so..I'm effectively gone from the web...there is a relief in that...I did feel a bit vulnerable to people letting others know about me. It has happened so many times in my life I've lost count. Tell someone, have them promise to keep it a secret, have them tell someone you didn't want to know...yep... the joy of closeted trannydom...a lifetime of betrays by people that say they care about you.
Needless to say, all this negativity about the end of me has sort of crapped on my tranny life. I'm just not feeling like dressing up too much lately because it is still paired with this shitshow. I did wear a dress yesterday for a while while working...it was good...today...didn't feel anything but anger so...didn't.
My theory about Vanessa going away not registering seems to be correct...no-one has checked in except for the two darlings I previously mentioned. They are the exceptions.The funny thing is I spent so much time comforting, cheering, encouraging these other so-called friends and when I didn't pursue them? Nothing...well, they've lost their cheerleader, their inspirational pat on the back, their make them feel better about themselves when they feel badly person. They won't miss me though...most won't give it a seconds thought...and that is why I know I did the right thing.
I do expect to get back on fb to follow the cool queens I love but that will be it. I will not let anyone know and only send messages to those who have to for them to let me follow them. Translation...no-one that knows the boy me will find out...I just miss Mark Sheppard, Bassem Feghali, and Daisy Deadpetals too much to let the lousy friends spoil that.
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