So I'm in a corner now. Background? closeted tranny, in relationship with unaccepting but amazing partner. Since my partner wants nothing to do with the dressing up, my goal has been to try to find women to hang out with while I'm dressed. For about the last 6 years, I have been working at finding people that meet the criteria and it appears that it will never happen. This failure is primarily due to choices I make. I chose to be a part of my household over my own tranny needs. I have chosen a career that is very unaccepting and this has made it even harder for me to come out or dress up. But I am sad, really sad that I can't find women to get together with. There seems to be a couple of reasons why. But before I get to those, it actually starts at the fact that there is only a small percentage of women I dare to trust. So, after I get a sense I can trust someone, I go to the next step of trying to see if they would be okay with hanging out with me in drag and then trying to work it out. Each step on the way has points where the process can fail.
Each part of the process brutalizes me. For instance, I have spoke about how painful it is for me to be told "I would never date a guy that wore dresses" or "you are amazing but I could never deal with that." While I appreciate their honesty, it does reinforce that I am completely unworthy and unlovable. The kicker is, I am right ...those who argue with me will say that they love me but I know that they love the me that I present...the boy me. If I got to be the real me, would they? It really goes into the question of what does it mean to love someone? If you don't accept me in dresses then do you love me? Anyway, it has been this way since I was 5, where I knew that I had to hide a big part of who I am to be allowed to be loved/accepted.
Most of the time, I don't need to worry about being loved, in fact, I often have to try to skip the topic of whether the lady I speaking with would tolerate crossdressing from her partner. Even the most accepting ladies I know say no. Nothing ruins the dynamic more than having that dropped in to the scenario. Regardless, there are a reasonable number of women who would be fine with, or even enjoy, a tranny for a friend. But the goal of getting together goes off the rails in a few ways.
The most common issue is the the significant other. In most relationships, the duo communicate about their day-to-day activity. So, if the woman is going out somewhere, she will let her partner know what she is doing. So, this is where it gets sticky, most guys are not cool with this. It either relates to a general trans phobia/hate or jealousy issues. Regardless of the cause, it appears to be pretty much 98% of the time. I don't want a woman to lie or mislead her partner as that will just lead to trouble. The issue also is me wanting to stay closeted. My woman friends cannot just tell their men who it is they are going out with and that is a killer. This one has been really bugging me lately because I know a few women that would love to hang out with Vanessa (me).
I have began to ask these women for advice on what they think I should do...they usually say I should find other trannies but I don't want to hang out with other guys in dresses except in circumstances where that is okay. Events such as the southern comfort conference and other events would be lovely (no time to get to them) but in day to day life, I don't want that attention. I did enjoy the times I went to sincity here in Vancouver but it is hard to get out to these because of my busy life. Plus, regarding hanging out with other trannies is not my bag because I really love women and don't like men.
So, I'm stuck and unlike previously, I no longer feel like I have any chance/hope of coming up with an answer. What do I do? I guess, I suck it up and accept my reality and try to get out to sincity more. It is the only option for me to have a chance to dress up and do anything. But the sense of feeling alone, feeling cursed, feeling unloved is stronger than ever.
One other thing that has contributed to my sad mood is the betrayals. Once again I have found out that a woman who professed to love me as a friend has betrayed me by telling my secret to others without first asking me if it was okay. Here is how I found out: there is a lady I work with that is really into make-up, so we have started chatting about make-up. I know a ton about make-up and way more than the average guy. I am very good at talking about girly things and not giving up any hint that I am talking about myself. But after enough banter it is pretty obvious that there is something going on with me and the girlish stuff. So, this lady had passed all the usual tests I like to put someone through in order to see if I want to tell them. My only concern with her was the fact that she is really an open book kind of person and I worried she might be open about me. Anyway, I decided to ask her what she knew about me and she told me she knew I liked to dress in "ladies" things. I asked her how she knew and she told me that "X" told me. Now, I told X a long time ago (6 years) and she actually told someone about it and I found out. So when it happened 6 years ago, I confronted X about it and she was very apologetic and seemed quite sincere that she didn't mean to hurt me but she was upset b/c she had a crush on me and was confused. Anyway, when I heard that X might have told the new lady, I asked X if she told her. She denied that she had. So I asked another lady that is in the same circle and knows. She is a good friend and I know she is an honest person. She told me that X told her long before I told her....so X is a liar.
To put this in context, X vehemently denied telling anyone else and has been hoping get together with me in the next few weeks. So this is a person that I still chatted with regularly on facebook. I have to say, I am so very tired of all the betrayals...so worn out. The first woman I told was when I was 12 and she betrayed me (no surprise with a 12 year old). But this is just so tiresome, I mean really, why can't people be trusted. Now there are a few people that I have told that think it is so cool they don't feel it should be a secret and they might betray me in a way that is done with no malice but for the most part it is just a woman gossiping to another person. So thoughtless, so mean...and it hurts me. For some reason, I have not become numb to the betrayals, but I am tired of them.
So where does this leave me? Well, my facebook thing is what I predicted a few months back. A mechanism to look at cool queens and find out about event but not a device to interface with people I know. My message folder is pretty quiet. I waver between wearing nylons at work and not...depends on my clientèle and how close they are to my home life. I need to get on with making time to dress and just accept that I either have to go out solo or try to get to sincity...it is sad but I can't change this unless I give up my homelife or worklife and that is too much to ask....wow, did I ever draw the short straw at some point.
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