Well, things haven't improved...they've worsened. No developments on dressing up and, around halloween, being stuck in the closet hurts the most. Seeing all these events and opportunities pass you by is murderous on one's spirit. Furthermore, the "lose friends" thing has proven quite correct. One girl I just love that is really a kind and caring lady has pretty much vanished from my world. No messaging on fb for weeks. Another lady had a new job and is just too busy, so she is pretty much gone. And to add insult to injury, I've come out to 3 ladies in the last 6 weeks. One of them knew but i actually sent her a message on fb to try to enable more discussion. She replied once. The exact same thing happened with another lady. I have seen both since and they are still lovely and nice but no messaging.
The coup de grace of the coming out fails lately was on Friday when i came out to a lady who is really cool. She immediately let me know that there is no way on earth she could date someone who crossdresses. I have got to say that nothing makes me want to puke my guts out like hearing a someone say, "I'm open-minded but I just don't think I could accept that from my partner/mate." I realize that the statement could be true but it really stinks of hypocrisy to me. I'm open-minded about some things but not everything is more appropriate. Anyway, every time I hear that comment it leaves me feeling like a freak or pervert. Unlovable. Unaccepted. Unwanted. and I have heard it a million times. It just makes me hate that I try to open up to people, it makes me hate that I feel the need to have people in my life. Let's not forget I'm extremely selective about who I tell...they have got to have given me all kinds of signs that they are very cool and trustworthy. So, to hear this from that group is particularly painful. Unfortunately, I don't have any opportunity to hang out with cool kinksters and be in a group of truly open-minded people.
So, I'm sad, really really sad. In a sense I feel like Vanessa is almost dead. It's been over a years since I've been out to Sincity. I've dressed up fully, 4 or 5 times this year. Life is passing me by...So I always like to talk about solutions, but I have none. The SO is aware something is up with me (so mopey) but I'm quite conflicted about whether it is even worth discussing. She hates it, she doesn't want me to do it, she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't want anyone to know....so it seems pretty pointless to invest a ton of effort into going into it with her. So...I guess I am trapped. In a wonderful fulfilling prison of my own creation. I am trying to simply accept my fate and make the best of it but, right now, I'm not being very successful at that b/c of the overwhelming desire to try to figure out some solutions...but I guess I'll eventually move forward and stop being so incredible sad. It's funny b/c being a tranny means that I have so many cues about dressing...I see a nice outfit, I think, "wow, I'd love to wear that." Or there are so many things in my life that remind me of dressing. The housekeeper at the office make me think of how badly I wanted to be one. So me getting over this is going to be a really difficult process...alas...don't honestly have a choice...
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