once you hit the bottom, push off and up you go

Well, gentle reader, I felt it is important to update you all on what has transpired since the last, incredibly sad, blog I posted. After all the craziness that lead to that, I was left incredibly sad and despondent. I had many people asking me what was up or wrong. I brushed them all off as it is often impossible to describe my difficulties without disclosing that it all relates to my dressing up. This is one of the biggest difficulties for both me and my SO, how does one get feedback or advice when it revolves around a very private matter. Especially when the privacy of the matter is one of the biggest issues. Tough to do.

Anyway, my disconsolate mood was noted by my SO and last Wednesday, she cornered me. I was reluctant to talk at first and tried the soft lie approach. I'm tired/stressed with work shtick...but it was crystal clear to her that I was hiding the truth. Then I decided that I would express my frustration. Interestingly enough I was very emotional, which is really not my style. But I think this actually help to convince her of the profundity of my frustration and sadness. Ultimately, I made it clear that I was upset that she didn't trust me but on the other hand, I totally understood her insecurity. I also made it abundantly clear that what I wanted more than anything in the world was her to be a part of my dressing up and that I had no answers for how to get her involved. This was the time that I was most able to express my exasperation. My joy is so strongly tied to her joy and pleasing her. Yet, here is the thing that gives me unbelievable joy and it gives her such grief....Anyway, she heard me out and advised me that she was just feeling insecure due to the phone history deletion. We discussed the problem of her not wanting to know anything but not wanting to feel totally vulnerable. She said that I should not delete my phone history, which is fine with me. The computer stuff was not resolved per se but she was going to consider how much she felt she could handle knowing. I did acknowledge that I did communicate with other women on the web via fb. This was okay with her but she wanted to give the topic a rest and then decide where she would like to go with it. My only concern with this issue is her being alarmed at how many girls know about Vanessa. This is a tough issue for me as well b/c I have had my trust betrayed so many times but on the other hand I so value the great friends, it makes the sacrifice worth it. On the other hand, if my SO was willing to be involved, I would not be seeking someone to interact with on a regular basis. That being said, I would definitely still enjoy the fun of discussing make-up, shoes, etc with other girls b/c that is so much fun. Just less than currently.

So after that we have been a lot better b/c of the resolutions from the phone and web stuff. It is important to realize that in our day to day life, my dressing up is best not brought up and so after the discussion, I knew it would be best to just be quiet about it. And I was. Which brings me to 2 things that have happened in the last while. One thing is that she bought me a pair of halloween tights when she went to buy some halloween stuff. I noted them in my drawer the day she did it. Now, she has bought me the odd thing in the past spontaneously and so I didn't go crazy but in light of the recent stresses that have resulted from the dressing up issue, I was so pleased. I didn't mention it until last night when I wanted tell her that I was so happy about her doing that. Again, I cannot emphasize enough the scared look she gets at times when I bring up anything to do with the topic of me dressing. I also mentioned to her that I was trying to come up with ways for me to dress up that result in her being indirectly involved and it also being a positive for her. When I was the maid for the w/e she was away, it was a perfect example of this b/c I did a BUNCH of stuff that was quite onerous and that meant she got to make me happy and also get a benefit.

This brings up a very curious issue regarding me and my dressing up. As I mentioned in a previous blog there is a very strong component of being put into situations where I have to dress up. And from this the maid scenarios are powerful fantasies. Now, ideally, the person putting me into this situation and benefiting from it would be my SO. What is interesting about this fantasy is how it means that I would be most happy to do things that would normally be no fun. This is something that can create a challenging conflict. My SO loves me and is a respectful, kind partner. It completely goes against her nature to "manipulate" any scenario to a selfish means. Simply put, she would never want to take advantage of me for a selfish gain. Well, that is exactly what I would want done except that it, absolutely, must include me being dressed up. So, I really wanted to do an awesome job as a maid to get her thinking, "hey, if I get her doing all the crappy duties, then I won't have to." The hopeful consequence of this would be her wanting me to be a maid more. But, she is totally unselfish and so it is highly unlikely that this will happen. Anyway, I did bring this topic up to her and she did her usual, quiet listening. She explained how she would never do anything to manipulate me and I advised her that I trust that she would never do anything selfish that was wholly self-serving and to my detriment. In other words, I am confident that if (and hopefully, when) she did play along with this fantasy, it would be in the best interests of us both. Anyway, the impression I got from her during this discussion was one of a clear understanding. She seemed to get that pleasing her is a major component of my fantasy world and didn't completely dismiss the concept. Which ties into the last topic we spoke about last night.

When we spoke last night, I was very cautious to avoid being to crazy/enthused about the topic and kept the talking to a minimum. I thanked her for the halloween tights and advised her of how much it meant to me and why it was special. I advised her that I was trying hard to come up with suggestions that would allow her to be a part of it without making her uncomfy or unhappy. Then I mentioned a story I read on magsinc which is a website that has tranny stories on it. I love the reluctant press, which is a publisher that has little mini tranny stories on it. I review it regularly and when I find one that is to my taste, I buy it. Usually, I am disappointed by the stories b/c the preview doesn't always give you a clear idea of what will happen and they often end up being not my cup of tea. But, the latest one was really quite good. A guy, wants to be a maid, wife digs it, he ends up being a maid at the office she works at. Story 2 was a guy, is already wife's maid, she goes to conference and loans him to a friend and it goes great. Nothing to pervy, really just a tranny maid being a maid. So, I mentioned this story to my SO and I know she gets sort of worried that this is leading to uncomfy places, so I backed off. But before I did, I mentioned that I could technically take over being the maid and cleaning at the office I work at b/c it is only me and one other employee. The cleaners come on the weekend, when no-one is here and it would be a locked place, no chance of discovery b/c no-one has keys except me, the other employee and the cleaners. Her response was, "well, that would save $150 a month." Now I have to say, that there is some problem with this plan and the obvious issue is it would take me, probably 4 hours in total each week...that might be too much time away...But the neat thing was, she said, "well, see how often they are there for." Also, the thing that made me so incredibly happy was her initial response. Instead of it being about the fear of discovery or anything, it was a mildly selfish comment about saving money. Not a comment regarding how crazy it is for me to be a cleaner/maid, not a comment about how my time is worth so much more than that...so that is amazing to me. That is exactly the thought process I would want from her. Vanessa as a mechanism to make her world better. As I mentioned though, there is logistic issues that I will need to address but this has potential it a big way.

one step forward, 2 steps back

So, here is the harsh reality blog to compliment the euphoric blog that preceded it.

After the wonderful w/e that I had, the weekend before last, I was trying very hard to stay "cool" about the events. Regardless, I did share with my significant other (SO) some of the things that I felt. One of these things was the way that I was surprised that I still was eager to dress up on the Monday. Well, that got spun in a direction I should have seen coming when I told her. Her take on it was that I didn't know how much I wanted to dress up, ie. I wanted to dress up more than even I was aware of. From this she can feel that I "need" something she can't supply or be. That was the Wednesday after the w/e. I felt somewhat defeated and very saddened by this. It really frustrates me to have her feel this. Now, she isn't irrational in her thoughts but it needs to be clarified that the way I feel is that I've got this amazing person in my life and adore her. I would love it if she was a part of my dressing but I don't "NEED" her to be...I want her to but not need. So her response to my comments about my w/e were deflating in the least.

Then things got really depressing. The next night we had a discussion that was prompted by me mentioning I had looked at the history on her browser. She wasn't so worried about that but it brought up that I always delete my history and also had deleted the history on my phone. The deleting my browser history has been standard protocol for years. The phone thing was due to the going out on the w/e. Now, before I get more into the details, I want to clarify that I am 100% faithful. She could ride on my shoulders and would never see anything that was inappropriate or could be construed as unfaithful. I'm super proud of this b/c it represents a maturity I've always wanted to achieve. I am this way because I value her and I refuse to be tempted. Anyway, she brought up the phone and web. I addressed the web by bringing up a critical issue, which is, the "how much do you want to know about my tranny life?" question. This harkens back to when we decided on how we were going to work out our issue. As far as she was concerned, it became a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic. I would never bring up the issue and neither did she. As a consequence of this, I made sure that web browser was attended to, so she wouldn't log on and end up seeing tranny stuff. So, I brought this up. Then we talked about the phone. This issue is identical. If she sees my phone has numbers on it from when she was away or I was out in drag, (and you can bet she'd look for it), this would concern her. Since I am so faithful this is where I get angry. One of the most difficult issues for me and getting out dressed up is the fact that I'm forced to walk from parking to the club. That is usually 2-3 blocks on relatively busy downtown streets, passing many, many people on the way. I feel horribly vulnerable. It has precluded me getting out many times when there have been events downtown and I am feeling like there would be just too much risk. For instance, if there is a UFC event then the demographic of the population downtown is not safe for me to be out there solo. I mentioned this to my gfs and they said that I should call them when I get to the parking, and they could come to meet me and walk with me. Aaaahhh but then there is a number on the phone and then what? Well, that's the issue. Now, if I'm planning on going out and actually calling someone, the same situation arises.

Her primary concern is feeling vulnerable and whether she is actually setting herself up to be cheated on, or allowing something to go on and actually being taken advantage of.

I understand her concerns, I respect that they are valid. So, what to do? Well, I've given up my nighttime tranny surfing...after she went to bed, I usually would tranny surf for about 1/2-1 1/2 hours. I am very sad about this as it is a loss of one of the total highlights of my day. Gone...and as a consequence, Vanessa has diminished greatly, since more of her life was through social networking. But this addresses the web history issue. My phone...I want to throw it out. I guess I just have to risk a beating and not make any plans to keep her contented. This way, I'll have no phone numbers she would be bothered by. But it means I'm not able to communicate with the girls in my tranny life.

but I am sad, very sad...I feel stuck b/c she doesn't want to know but also can't deal with the trusting...so I'm stuck....

the other consequence of all of this is my loss of joy in the dressing up world. It is so tied to such negativity right now, I'm super down on it. sucks so much.

oh, we're off and on our way!

Well, well, well, so much to say...After the fabulous w/e 2 weeks ago I thought I'd be back closeted for some time but fate smiled on me. Since thanksgiving was coming things sort of unfolded in a beneficial way for me and it made for an awesome, landmark-event kind of w/e. As always, a little back story.

I am involved with a woman who is perfect for me in every way except for one. She hates my crossdressing. Not a vague dislike but hate. She knew I do this when we started but, at that time, it really only consisted of me wearing the odd pair of nylons beneath my clothes. Coincidentally, as our relationship grew, so did the nature of my crossdressing. I began to see signs of concern when I was wearing nail polish in public. This seemed to be a tipping point for her. Also and tragically, because she is so special to me, she is the person I want most to be a part of my femme life. In my perfect universe we would go on shopping trips, go out to dinner with me dressed up. Unfortunately, as I tried to put all that in play, it pushed her beyond her breaking point and she laid it on the line that she hated it. We spent significant time deciding how to proceed. Here was this perfect union but there was this big flaw. We knew it seemed ridiculous to break up over it yet, it really was (is) a big deal. We did a lot of talking and counseling and it was an interesting process. For her, it was just a small part of me that she couldn't accept. For me, it was the thing that defined me and gave me so much joy so, her not accepting it meant reject almost all of me. So, we decided that she would have NOTHING to do with it but it also meant that she had to trust me....which was not super easy for her to do since she had been cheated on by an ex-bf. Then life got really busy for me and my opportunities were quite few.

but then, I got control of my schedule and started getting going on my make-up. The make-up thing was always the limiting step on me getting out. I didn't feel comfy being out in a skirt and tights and in boi mode. So, I finally got determined to make myself as good as I could in make-up and when it started to come together, I was ready to venture out. This was really my goal forever. To just go out as a girl and to enjoy the thrill of dressing up and making up. So then, I went out with a group that I had known of forever on yahoo groups, the girls night out. It wasn't what I was looking for but one of the girls was going to Sin City after and I was dying to go there as well. I tagged along and WOW...life changing moment. I had found a place to go that suited me to a tee! The place was full of people (mostly girls) just like me...lovers of dressing up!

So, when I got the time, I went to Sincity. This varied greatly, in that, I may go 2 times in one month and then not for 4 to 5 months. But this was my outlet, and it was acceptable to my significant other (SO).

Now this is where it gets a bit curious, over all this time 2 things have happened. Firstly, I have continued to dream of her being a part of this. Secondly, since she won't be my gf, I have sought them out.

So, since I have always wanted her to be a part of things it has lead to some really difficult times. Her initial concern was that I wanted to be a woman (never, I love being a man in the bedroom and I truly think men are so gross) and so any push to dressing up would make her worry about this. I think she realizes that this isn't true now but the issue is her utter disgust at me being dressed up. She simply thinks it is such a turn off.

Back to this w/e...so, I have wanted to be a maid since I was 12. It remains one of my most powerful fantasies. So, since she was going to be away, I brought up my dressing up to her. Now, she knows that I'm going to dress up while she is away and doesn't mind this. But I had a thought/dream/fantasy and I decided to try to risk sharing it with her. I told her that it would be a dream come true if she was to leave me instructions for the w/e along the lines of "dress up and do these duties." That's it...she wouldn't have to see a thing but I needed to know she actually wanted me to do it as a girl or no deal. Anyway, the discussion went quite poorly and I accepted that this was just the way things were going to be. No change in things. Her point was, she thought that this particular offer was fine but where would it lead. She has repeatedly tried to do/say something nice about my dressing and then have me push her way passed what she could deal with b/c I misinterpret her. Regardless, I was stoked about getting to dress up, so I just moved on.

Then I was able to co-ordinate going out to Club 23 with a friend and that was just so cool. The club was pretty quiet but we danced and it was like 2 weeks ago where I was just a girl going out with another girl. Super cool thing was the fact that my gf let me do her brow with a pencil....It really meant a ton to be asked to help with someones make-up. Just another of those feminizing moments I crave. I was pretty satisfied with my make-up and my outfit was tame b/c I wasn't sure that she would groove to club 23 and, therefore, I dressed less fetish and more appropriate for a gay club if necessary. We were just like 2 girls out having a night of dancing. Wonderful. Also, I picked her up at her place, which meant actually getting out of the car and walking to her house...eeeek.

Then, when I got home and got all cleaned and finished surfing the web for a bit, I pulled up my pillow and there was a letter. It said Vanessa's (my real name was here) list of weekend chores: 1) Please get dressed up and: 5 things were on the list...3 were stated as direct instructions and 2 were "if you feel inclined". The last thing it said was Have Fun. I could have died! I couldn't believe it! Before she had left, she was kind of grumpy but as she was leaving she actually said I was to do so vacuuming upstairs. That seemed odd at the time and I was thinking, "no dress up? no clean up!" except my usual tidiness. In light of this letter, I was even more thrilled b/c if she is in a bad mood, she is usually even less accepting of my dressing up. This time, she actually encouraged it and the way it was said was like someone discussing a servant. You'll do the upstairs...sort of comment. So, there I was.

One of my issues with cleaning my own place is the fact that I do it as a boy...so it has always detracted from the fantasy. But this was different b/c I was being instructed. Also, I've often wondered, if I actually got to be a maid, would it suck after a while. Would the work turn me off the experience. So, on Sunday I got up, did a little running around, worked out, ate a very late lunch, I painted my nails a very feminine hot pink begetting my occupation. Then I got to live my dream. This was quite powerful for me. Would I like it? Am I actually a big faker or do I actually want to be a maid? b/c I could have easily just cleaned in boi mode but...I didn't. I got made (maid) up and got dressed in my maid uniform (plus apron, collar, hair thingie, wrist cuffs, black hose, bra, 4"heels). When I looked in the mirror, my heart skipped a beat and I thought, "this is my fate, this is what I'm meant to be." Whoa...so then I got to work. I worked for about 3 hours and then it was getting late (plus I was tired from the night before). I got all cleaned up and went to sleep. Funny thing...I wear silicone falsies and when I was working they got sweaty and kept falling out of my bra!

Now here is where it got really profound for me. I fully expected to not dress up on Monday. She was heading back so it would mean that I would have to get up and get cracking on getting painted and get to work. Plus I wanted to make an awesome dinner to thank her and I needed to get the food for this. So, on Sunday night I actually removed my nail polish, thinking that I was done with the dressing. I woke up a bit early on Monday. Not to be gross or too graphic but it is relevant that I satisfied myself in the am. This is very important b/c when I do that, I'm almost guaranteed to not dress up as it sort of deflates my drive a bit. So, I figured that I'd not dress up, so it didn't matter. Now, this is where things really got super powerful for me...Instead of chilling and just doing a little more, I actually wanted to dress up again. FYI, this means 1 hour minimum to get painted. But I did! I couldn't wait to do it. And it wasn't put on or me trying to be something. I just wanted to do it. And I did. Same as the night before except with a blonde wig. I worked so hard to get the list done and I did plus made prime rib with fabu veggies, salad, potatoes....Awesome! I was so happy!

Now here are some of my reflections on things from this w/e. I actually did like being a maid...really! and I did enjoy the work. One of the things I really loved was how I stopped reflecting on my outfit and make-up and just worked. Boy do I need practice with my ironing! Also, I am beginning to think that the maid fantasy is also tied to my need to please. I really was focused on trying to do an amazing job. Not only to please, which was super important but also....and this is more fantasy stuff, but I figure, she comes back and sees all this awesome work that has been done and it spurs something in her mind. Hopefully, it gets her thinking about how she could benefit from this and do it, not too satisfy my kinks but to spoil her a bit or a lot. I was able to convey how happy all of the maid work made me pretty well. She did want me to "be cool," so, I've got to not overdo it in the next while or she will get freaked out.

Well, I've gone on too long for one blog but I'm just so happy!